vatheon | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Characters: Izaya and Shizuo
Location: Shizuo's place
Time: Night
Style: Action cool with you, baaaybe~?
Status: Closed

[This was stupid and this was dangerous. Mostly stupid. Izaya slipped away from Jacob's for a bit. He didn't know why Shizuo wasn't furious with him but he was selfish enough to take it in stride. It was probably apart of the curse.

Also, he was kinda concerned.

Shizuo was never sick. Curse or not- this was weird. But the problem was- Izaya had never really been sick before either so he was kinda helpless.

But he had enough common sense of first aid that he wasn't totally useless. When he arrived at Shizuo's, he had a nurse's hat placed on his head.]

I would've dressed up but I don't think we're at that stage in our relationship.

[He says it with a poker face.

It's a good twenty minutes later and he's forced Shizuo into bed, tucked him in, and is now sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning over with a hand pressing a wet towel against his forehead.

He's shoved a thermometer into Shizuo's mouth and has something cooking in the kitchen.]

Can't believe Shizu-chan's sick...

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Shizuo feels like shit.

He is probably - no, definitely - being a little more melodramatic about this than he should be, but being a man with a track history of superior health, he isn't used to feeling ill. And he certainly isn't used to feeling weak. But there is a first time for everything - especially in Vatheon - and this time, Shizuo has caught some sort of bug or something that makes him feel not only weak, but uncomfortable as well. He can't breathe through his nose, he has a cough that made him question whether he should stay a smoker - and to top everything off, he can't sleep worth a damn. Every time he tries, he has strange dreams about people jumping off buildings and dying. Sometimes he sees Izaya fall to his death and sometimes he thinks he can hear Zelda crying over Sola's body. It is a mess. Shizuo drifts in and out of too-hot-but-too-cold consciousness confused about which dream is real and which nightmare is just that.

That's how he wound up texting Izaya.

He remembers, of course, that they are supposed to be fighting about something - that he's angry with Izaya - but Shizuo also has this sense of residual apprehension that acts as a delayed reaction to seeing Izaya and Sola leap off a building, and it is exasperated by his fever. It made him want to see Izaya, just to be safe. Maybe he should have been concerned about passing on his germs or about whatever it was that upset him to begin with, but Shizuo is sick. And tired. And really, he doesn't want to be left alone feeling weak and helpless. It isn't like he could have called Zelda. Even in his state, Shizuo knows that is off-limits.

When Izaya showed up at his door, Shizuo greeted him with open relief. Izaya - alive. Screw everything else; he'd work out the finer details later. And though he may have protested being put to bed a little, Shizuo is already feeling a little better.]

I can't believe it either. [Except he has a thermometer in his mouth so it's more garbled than he intends.] I'm weak.

[That is the scariest part. He never feels weak.

He wants to go uproot a street sign or vending machine just to prove he can.]

Mmhm. It's pretty weird.

[This is kind of awkward from Izaya. He knows that the only reason that they are even in the same room right now is because Shizuo is sick. Otherwise, Shizuo probably wouldn't have anything to do with him- unless it involved digging his grave and putting his body in it.

Izaya attributed the concern of his well-being to Shizuo being delusional as well. There was no way Shizuo would ever care about that.

It's a pretty bittersweet moment, actually, because Izaya's figured by now that they're done and over with. Yet here he is, gently patting Shizuo's head and rubbing it as he waits for the thermometer to take his temperature.

He's never taken care of someone before. It's not so bad.

He takes the thermometer away and sighs.]

You have a fever. It's not super high but it's still not good.

[He sets it aside before he leans over again to put the back of his hand against Shizuo's cheek, a frown pulled at his mouth.]

You do feel hot.

[He hums and takes the towel back off of Shizuo's head to dip it into the small bowl of water, wrings it out, and then places it against his forehead again.]

I'm going to go get you the stew. Do you want anything in particular while I'm up?

[Shizuo doesn't really know the first thing about illness, himself, but at least the fever seems to explain his vivid dreams. When Izaya's cool hand presses against his cheek, Shizuo's eyes close for a moment. He's still a little caught up in the memories-that-aren't-really-memories, so touch from Izaya is good. Reassuring.

Then when Izaya removes his hand to busy himself with the towel, Shizuo opens his eyes again, looking carefully at him.

He wants to ask him not to bother with the stew and stay there, but Shizuo bites his tongue because that sounds really pathetic. He just shakes his head, quietly, and looks away, wondering how much he'll hate himself for being so dependent and weak once he's back to being himself.

But then, just before Izaya exits the room, he speaks up.]

I'm sorry. For making you do this.

[Because obviously it isn't something Izaya had been excited about doing, given his initial excuses, and Shizuo thinks it has to do with the foggy, half-dreams he has and the memory of hurt and anger. If he thinks about it too much, though, it just makes his head ache.]

That's fine. I don't mind. I'm just kinda happy you even want to see my face at all right now.

[And that's all he'll say about the situation for now. He doesn't want to get into it because for once, he's thinking about what might ruin their relationship. Granted, he's already buried their relationship but right now...He's feeling a little hopeful.

Out in the kitchen, he pours a bowl of stew for Shizuo. He can't believe he hadn't eaten yet. That wasn't impressive at all for a sick person. Pouring a glass of water, he leaves the room with a tray.

Coming into Shizuo's room, he sets the tray up over Shizuo's lap and unfolds the napkin he'd brought with him and tucks it into Shizuo's shirt. You bet Izaya's a sort of mama bear.]

All right. You need to eat most of this and drink all of the water, got it?

[His tone is relatively firm and he dips a spoon into the stew before he raises it out and holds it out towards Shizuo's mouth.

Then he realizes. He was feeding Shizuo.]

Hn..Heh..Sorry, Shizu-chan. Uh. I'm sure you can eat this on your own. Uh. Here.

[He turns the spoon around somewhat so Shizuo can take it from him.]

[It's...a little embarrassing. Izaya's doting. Shizuo's never really been taken care of before...well, before Zelda. Remember that hurts, a little, so instead he tries to focus on Izaya's directions.

And...taking the spoon from Izaya.]

I can.

[It's an embarrassed mumble. No one has ever tried to feed him before. That's just - weird. And...kind. Izaya's kindness - something Shizuo is still just getting used to seeing.

He eats quietly, trying not to weed through the broken memories. It's a slow process, because he doesn't have much of an appetite at all, but he tries to do Izaya's cooking some justice and manages to eat over half. He does drink the water down, though. He hadn't realized just how thirsty he was until it was in his hands.

Once the dishes have been cleared, Shizuo speaks up again, quietly.]

Lay with me?

[Then he coughs...And realizes that's probably a completely unappealing suggestion, looking a little sheepish as a result.]

Nn, never mind.

[Izaya doesn't watch him so much as he looks around. Now that he's not coddling Shizuo, he doesn't really know what to do. He's not sure if he's doing this right. He's not really sure if he should even be here.

But in some way, he's glad he is.

Then the question comes and Izaya stares at Shizuo- a little shocked.

But then right, yeah, Shizuo's sick. Disoriented. He has no idea what he's asking.]

Um. No, it's okay. I can. Just hold on.

[He stands up and pulls the tray away from Shizuo and puts it aside. Maybe he shouldn't take advantage of the situation.

But Izaya also feels pretty shitty and lonely lately and these are feelings that he is not used to. But he does know that he'd be able to repel it a little by taking advantage.

By being, what Shizuo had told him to do, selfish.

So he, after a moment, he takes his jacket off and sets it aside before he climbs up onto the bed. He's not sure where to go so he lays on top of the blanket next to Shizuo, on his side and faces his...

Shizuo. And just sort of stares before he glances down.]

Is this fine?

[Shizuo wasn't expecting Izaya to agree. He is, after all, kind of germ-ridden and pathetic right now. But when Izaya does, it's clear by Shizuo's expression that he's happy about it. He's been feeling pretty shitty and lonely himself, lately, and though he is disoriented and confused about the details of the past few days, it doesn't fully erase what he's been feeling. And what he knows, in this moment, is that he wants to make sure Izaya stays close. Maybe then he won't have those confusing dreams.

But...on top of the blanket and keeping his distance isn't exactly what Shizuo meant.]

No.

[He tugs at the blankets, almost childishly, trying to urge Izaya under them.]

Closer.

[This was bad.

But what part of their relationship wasn't? Izaya smiles a little childishly himself and nods to Shizuo. Fine. He could get closer. He rolls onto his back and begins to unclasp his jeans.

Shizuo's really hot right now. Izaya knows that it's not going to be comfortable laying against him fully dressed so shamelessly, he strips down until he's just in a pair of dark red boxer briefs. ~~Which I might add do some serious wonders for his hips and ass in case you haven't seen pics.~~

Then he pulls the blankets back and crawls under. He pulls them back up around them and instantly scoots up against Shizuo, compressing his body against Shizuo's and hooks an arm over his waist.]

This close enough, Shizu-chan~?

[His tone is mocking but his eyes are pretty sincere. He does want Shizuo to feel better.

Because Shizuo does look and sound really pathetic right now.]

[He didn't mean strip down, either. But. This is better than being separated by the blanket, and really, Shizuo's too sick to be too embarrassed about it.

Mostly.

Izaya's body is cool and comforting against his, and Shizuo makes a soft noise of agreement, the mocking tone completely lost of him. He doesn't want to lay on his side, because he doesn't want to inadvertently cough all over Izaya, but he does cover Izaya's arm with his own.

He's content. And happy. And he might have fallen asleep, too, except that hasn't been working out for him lately, so he decides to talk, instead.]

It's good that we're not fighting right now. You could probably kill me. I bet I can't even hold bat right now. You could stab me, easy.

[They talked about how they couldn't kill each other plenty, but Shizuo isn't thinking about that. He's just rambling, really.]

I know you won't though.

[Izaya instantly felt Shizuo's fever but didn't mind it too much. He just pressed a little closer. He slid his hand over Shizuo's chest and rested it just on top of his heart. Or where it was assumed to be anyway. Right over where those tell-tale scars were.

Izaya knew that he shouldn't have messed this up. But. Maybe there was still some hope. Maybe. Even with this curse...it seemed like Shizuo was still kind of himself.

Just disoriented.]

I'm glad you know that. Seems like you trust at least some aspect of me. That's refreshing.

[Perhaps he shouldn't have said that so bitterly. But it just came out. He tucks his face into Shizuo's neck and sighs against him.]

I thought I'd never get you like this again. Guess I was wrong again~. Look at you, Shizu-chan. Always being the most unpredictable thing even when you're barely coherent.

[Unlike with Izaya's mocking tone, Shizuo picks up on the bitterness. And tenses. He knows Izaya's right, but there's more to it, too. He wants to argue because it seems like the issue of trust is more complex than what's immediately available in his mind, and it bothers him.

When he speaks, his tone might contain a little bit - just a hint - of a whine.]

I want to trust you more. I do. It's just hard, Izaya. I hope you can see that I've been trying, because I really have - but thinking about it is hard right now.

[He can feel Izaya's hand against the skin above his heart. It makes him think of the curse that changed everything - but even those memories are foggy, thickened and distorted by his fever. In the end, though, everything worked out okay, didn't it?

But if it did, why did he feel so unsettled?

He sighs, then, trying to relax again.]

I don't want to talk about that. I want to hear you talk. About something...nice.

[Not about trust and unpredictability and thinking that this won't work out.]

[Another sigh because Izaya knows that now is not the time to bring these things up. So he drops it with a nod. He knows that Shizuo tried to some degree but...

Not really.

He doesn't reply to Shizuo instead.]

Okay. I'm sorry.

[Another apology meant for more but he lets it drop. He thinks on what he could talk about that's nice.

He figures he could be romantic but he doesn't see the point in that. He shifts around until he's laying on top of Shizuo's chest, his arms folded comfortably over his chest as he grins down at Shizuo.]

All right. So you know my jacket? That was given to me by my mom. You probably would have really liked her. She's a sweet lady. She was really accepting of everything. But my dad and her worked and traveled a lot. Especially in Europe so they were never around. She called a lot. I mostly raised my sisters but that's okay. I didn't mind.

[Granted that's probably why they turned out the way that they turned out.]

She was always there for me when I was younger. Y'know. I've never considered myself to be gay or anything because I just don't really care about sex but when I was younger and in high school- well y'know. I had a feeling. And I guess I probably am. If you weren't around...I don't know. But I told her that and she was really nice about it.

Granted...she told me to go buy yaoi manga to educate myself because she didn't think she could handle researching that on her own but she was supportive. I think she knew I wasn't that interested in sex though. It's always been below me.

[Yes. This is important. Because he's talking. About himself. In a personal way. That's a pretty big deal for Izaya. It's mostly idle chatter he doesn't care about but still.]

[He's glad Izaya lets it drop, but shakes his head at the apology, as though to communicate that once again, he doesn't need to be sorry. He likes Izaya's position on top of him - likes the fact that Izaya doesn't seem bothered by his illness and wants to be close. Shizuo brings his arms around Izaya's back, clutching him gently, as though to keep him there, just in case Izaya decides to move.

Then he listens.

It's calming, listening to Izaya talk. Shizuo could easily close his eyes and fade away as he listens, but he doesn't. He keeps them open, watching Izaya as he talks, and tries to navigate the fog in his head enough to remember everything he says. Despite how disoriented Shizuo has been, he knows this is important - because this is something Izaya simply doesn't do.

He chuckles at the yaoi manga advice.]

She sounds like a good mom.

[Sure, parents all have their shortcomings, but to be accepting - that was important.]

You know, I sometimes wondered where you got your jacket from. That's sweet.

[He smiles, and wonders if he'd ever get a chance to meet Izaya's mother. Probably not, if what Zelda said about Vatheon was true - that leaving means going back as though nothing had happened. Slipping right back into life. It's a sad thought, from where he is now. Reflexively, he tightens his hold.]

Do you miss her?

(no subject)

kingwithnocrown - 2012-02-28 06:12 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

a_violent_end - 2012-02-28 06:36 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

kingwithnocrown - 2012-02-28 19:54 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

a_violent_end - 2012-02-28 20:11 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

kingwithnocrown - 2012-02-28 20:59 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

a_violent_end - 2012-02-28 21:12 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

kingwithnocrown - 2012-02-28 21:20 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

a_violent_end - 2012-02-28 21:32 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

kingwithnocrown - 2012-02-28 21:37 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

a_violent_end - 2012-02-28 21:47 (UTC) - Expand

[Izaya had dark dreams. Literally dark. Where all he could see was barely the curve of Shizuo's naked body. It was erotic in a subtle way. It was more sensual than anything. They were touching- exploring, curious.

It was a blurry dream. Practically drugged and lethargic in movement and comprehension. He could see Shizuo's bright eyes. He couldn't tell if they were even making love or just--

Existing.

But then he started to stir the moment he started to realize what was happening. What they were doing-

He awoke to find himself on his side, his whole body practically sealed to Shizuo's. He felt a little dizzy upon waking and for a fleeting moment, fear jumped up in his gut.

He instantly wanted to dart out of the bed. But then recalled last night. Not to mention, his intimate dream had him languid and relaxed. He slid over onto his back, leaving his pelvis and legs against Shizuo's as he twisted over.

He stretched his arms above his head but then just rested his wrists above himself.

His eyes shut and he took a slow breath.

He knew he had to go soon. Especially since he could already hear that Shizuo was breathing deeper, more clear...

But he could just. Wake up for a while.]

[It had been the most peaceful sleep Shizuo had since the night that Sola died. For once, he didn't have nightmares, and he was able to sleep deeply. Somewhere along the night, his fever must have gone down, because he felt so much clearer upon awakening. Once aware, Shizuo doesn't open his eyes right away. His head aches in a subtle kind of way - as though it is a mild reminder of his higher fever the night before - but he can think again. He can remember that Izaya had killed Sola, and that Izaya had lived -

but only because of Sheik.

He also remembers Izaya laying with him. Taking care of him. Making him eat.

Shizuo can feel Izaya's legs against his. All the emotions he couldn't place the night before come floating back - the anger, the hurt, the loneliness of having to leave both Zelda and Izaya - but still he keeps his eyes closed. Waits. A lower fever means a clearer head, but Shizuo isn't exactly feeling up to par. His muscles still ache and - he realizes, almost sardonically - he still wouldn't be able to throw anything at Izaya if he tried.

Not that he really wants to.

He coughs, though. And coughs some more. And then it's game over, really, and he sits up to recover. Once the fit has passed, Shizuo looks down at Izaya. And then he closes his eyes, because it hurts, already. More, because of what they did last night. Because of the way Shizuo wanted him by his side.

He uses a hand to rub his forehead.]

Izaya.

[It's firm, if a little hoarse from the fit.]

[Izaya doesn't know that Shizuo woke up until he starts to cough and he can feel him sit up beside him. A part of him wanted to just sit up and get dressed.

He waits though.

The moment Shizuo says his name, he knows- he knows that it's over. That last night was just a memory now. Izaya opens an eye and stares up at Shizuo.]

Morning, Shizu-chan.

[His voice is reluctant and he sits up onto his elbows. Hanging his head, he grins a little and begins to pull the blankets off from his legs.]

I'll get dressed and head out, nya?

[He edges towards the end of the bed and starts to get out of the bed.]

[That's probably the best solution. Izaya leaving and hiding away again. Maybe for good. Shizuo back in his old apartment, hiding himself - from Zelda. From Sola when he finally wakes up. A couple of cowards hiding because it's just better than way.

But it's complicated. Now, especially. Shizuo obviously cares about Izaya (in his opinion). If he hadn't, those ridiculous needs and desires would have never surfaced. It doesn't mean he isn't hurt and betrayed - he is, in ways he's not sure he'll ever be able to fully put into words. It hurts to even consider having a conversation with Izaya.

So he decides to just jump into it. No hype or build up, not even bothering to tell Izaya to stay. He grits his teeth in preparation - against the fresh onslaught of anger and pain almost too much for his weakened body to bear. It sounds cliche, but Shizuo is tired already, and it hasn't even started yet.

And he speaks. He makes an effort to keep his tone as steady as possible, but that's fucking hard when you've been betrayed by the person who - yeah.]

You didn't make any promises. I know that. But you said you'd try. For me.

[Well shit. Exactly what Izaya doesn't want to do. Great.

He bends over to pull his jeans up at least. Buckling his belt, he glances at Shizuo. All right. So this was going to be The Conversation.

So he turns on his heel and crosses his arms over his chest. He looks. Indifferent.]

I did try. But then I realized that you've never given me a chance to begin with. Whenever I asked for your trust to begin with, you'd just bring up the past and how I've given you so many reasons to not trust me. So I don't really know what you wanted from me. And don't argue that you tried. Shizuo, I jumped from a building and you didn't even try to save me.

And I can only assume that that's because you didn't even trust me that I was really jumping from a building.

Even when I jump from a building, Shizu-chan, you don't have the capacity to trust me enough to save my life. If Sheik wasn't there, there would have been two bodies cracked open at the bottom.

I'm sorry I betrayed you, Shizu-chan~.

[It truly sounded genuine. He picks up his sweater and pulls that down over his head.]

But. Shizu-chan. I guess you just kinda ...hurt me. When you told me that...

[He stops and shakes his head. He picks up his jacket and throws it on.]

It doesn't matter.

Edited 2012-02-28 22:59 (UTC)

[Shizuo chooses to stay sitting in bed. It's probably an arguement worthy of yelling and getting in Izaya's face, but he just doesn't have the energy for that. He shifts around so that he's propped up, watching Izaya throw on his clothes, listening.

He says...a lot. Shizuo doesn't know how to begin with replying.]

You don't want me to argue with you. But what else am I supposed to do, Izaya? I told you I'd try - I was trying. I thought we were in a good place. You made me feel like we were okay. I can't just change everything quickly, I thought you knew that I was trying.

And of course I didn't trust you to jump off of a fucking building - who are you Izaya? A suicidal little kid trying to prove his love? No. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. You're not a teenager Izaya. You know what you're doing better than anyone else knows what they're doing. I'm not going to trust that you choice to kill yourself for your love for me.

Especially because at the same time you ruined my life at the same time as you jumped off the building. That's not proving your love. That's proving shit.

[Shizuo coughs a little, but refuses to let that throw him off his speech. It's not like he's the most verbal or well-spoken person - he needs to keep going when he manages to work up the effort.]

And don't say sorry and sound serious. You're not sorry. You're getting exactly what you wanted out of this. [Shizuo spreads his arms, gesturing.] I have no one, now. I've hurt one of the only people who actually gave a damn about me - by dating you. And I thought you gave a damn, too. I really did. But here I am. [He drops his arms.] I have no one. Not Zelda. Not her weird little roommate. Not even Sola, who, by the way, I considered a friend. I just have you. The person who wanted to ruin my life, and did.

[He shakes his head, angrily, even though it aches to do that.]

Don't you fucking say it doesn't matter. It matters, Izaya. It matters because you were hurt and you decided, instead of telling me about it, to hurt me even worse. People who love each other don't do that, Izaya. That's not love. You don't love me.

[That last bit hurts to say, because last night, Shizuo thought he did. Believed in it. Saw Izaya's kindness. But Shizuo had a view of love that was based on a promise to never hurt the other person - Izaya didn't fit into that view. Maybe he cared, but not enough.]

You said you wanted to protect me so that I wouldn't break again. Well you broke me. You said you didn't want to hear me in pain. Well I am in pain.

[He sighs, and won't look at Izaya now. Being so candid is unlike him, but what's the point, anymore? Might as well be open and honest since everything is ruined.]

I don't know why I did it, Shizuo. But the fact of the matter was that you didn't even care enough to try and save me. Which is fine, really, and I was doing it more for myself than to spite you. I've always been fascinated with death. I've always wondered what it felt like. And you can't die here.

[At that accusation, Izaya's eyes brighten and suddenly he barks out a laugh.]

Oh, God, Shizu-chan. Your life is ruined? Ruined? Wow, that is a big statement. Don't you think? I mean, you're perfectly fine, aren't you? You're still friends with your princess. You just don't live with her anymore and I didn't do that. You did that. Don't act like you're so alone.

Aw. Tragedy, Shizu-chan. I'm so sorry that you were destroyed by dating me. I'm so sorry that that I am all you have left. That must suck so much.

[Now he's just sneering at Shizuo because really. Like he thought that was going to make anything better?

Yeah. Right.

But then when Shizuo says that- that he doesn't love him.

Well. Izaya's eyes widen and for a moment- he looks shocked. Then his eyes darken in ...blatant pain.

He stares away and then whips around.]

I knew that I shouldn't have come over. Bye, Shizu-chan.

[He wanders towards the door but then stops and looks over at Shizuo.]

It's funny. You acknowledge that I was hurt and scold me for how I deal with it. You're right. I should have talked to you about it. But you would've probably just told me that I haven't done anything to warrant the importance that Zelda has toward you.

Oh, sorry, I made an assumption. Sound familiar?

Although you're right Shizu-chan. People who love each other don't do that. But that's the thing about our relationship- we don't love each other. I have that importance of you. I have that feeling toward you. You? I have no idea where you stand with me.

Well. Did. I don't know where you stood with me. I know now that this is pretty much over, right?

Although I should say- you're not the only one trying to figure things out. You're not the only one who struggles with control over himself.

Nnngh. I don't know why I'm even bothering. Tch. See you.

[Annnnd he's just going to exit through the bedroom door now.]

[Izaya didn't and never would understand why Shizuo cared about Zelda like he did - why his separation from her was, in a way, ruining his life. Maybe it's because Izaya spent too much time only caring about himself - and supposedly Shizuo. But he just didn't understand. And maybe it's something he'll never understand. That's why Izaya is dangerous. He doesn't just hurt people. He hurts the people Shizuo cares about. And if he can't see that it's wrong, that it makes him feel ruined despite the fact that he's "fine," then Izaya just doesn't see it. Maybe he struggles with empathy.

But he cares. In some fucked up Izaya-way, he cares. Shizuo knows that because of last night. He's seen it. He's not sure that Izaya really loves him - maybe he's just confused as Shizuo himself it - Shizuo really doesn't know. But Izaya is kind - to him.]

I get it, now, Izaya. I get that you'll never understand. That you're either too blind or you just really don't want to see. In normal relationships, people care about the people that their lover's care about. If I said I cared about Kasuka more, would you try to hurt him? Zelda is my family here. If you were a normal lover, you'd want to be able to see what I see in her - to try to get to know her the way I do.

But you're not normal. I'm not normal either. And I guess that's where this all comes from. We're both terrible, dangerous people, and we both hurt each other. A lot. We'll just keep destroying each other all over again.

[He wants to be angry. Wants to feel the desire to forcibly kick Izaya out of the room.

He doesn't.

But if Shizuo has no one, now. If he made sure to stay away from Zelda and Sola and everyone else, which he already planned on doing...maybe it would be okay for Izaya to be dangerous.

...because. What he felt last night....

Shizuo is up before Izaya can leave, grabbing him and pulling him into a hug from behind.]

I get it. Okay. I get that you're hurt. I'm sorry, I really am. I'm hurt, too. I want to scream at you and I want to hate you...but I don't. I feel like you don't know what you're doing. I feel like there are a lot of things you don't understand. There are a lot of things I don't understand, either. And Izaya I know you need to be protected too.

[He leans in and speaks against Izaya's back.]

I want to believe in you. I want to help you and trust you. I want to fix you. And Izaya, I'm hurting from what you did, and I want you to fix me too. Fix it.

[He lets go, then, and stands straight up, feeling a little worn and lightheaded. He isn't sure if Izaya will stay, after that, but he walks back to the bed to sit down.]

Well maybe I'd be able to see something worthwhile in trying to get to like her if you didn't go to destroy our relationship because of her. And if you didn't put her before me for the stuff that matters. You're the one that doesn't understand. I don't see what you don't get about how that kinda hurts. Kasuka is family. Zelda is like family. If you were a normal lover, you'd understand why I'd be upset at being put on the back burner.

I guess. What's it matter any more?

[After all. They're done, aren't they? So it's fair game now.]

Nn!

[His voice breaks out of him in surprise when Shizuo suddenly grabs him. For a fleeting moment- he's convinced that he's about to have his spine snapped.

But it doesn't happen. He's still tense. But he's quiet and listening, his eyes wide and his head bowed low.

When Shizuo lets go of him, he stands there for a moment, slouched over somewhat. He brings a hand up to his face and places it over his eyes. He takes a deep breath, a shaky breath, and tries to maintain himself. Control.

He spins around and walks back into the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind him to confirm his position in staying.

He walks to Shizuo on the bed and bends over in front of him. His eyes are strained and maybe, just maybe, they look a little wet.]

You're right, you know that, Shizu-chan? I am hurt. And I didn't know how to handle it. I don't care what people do to me. I've been kidnapped before and persecuted. I didn't care. I don't normally care that people hate me or don't want to be around me because they don't matter. But I care about you and I don't know how to handle that. I'm used to just hating you. I've never- I've never....I know you haven't either. I'm sorry. I just don't..I just didn't...know how to...It hurt and I didn't know how to deal with that. I just did the first thing...I know I messed up.

I know I've given you a lot of reasons to not trust me. I'm sorry. I want you to believe me- I am. I...want you to fix me.

[It's a slow admittance. But it's steady. He sits down slowly, sitting onto his knees, and places his hands onto Shizuo's knees as he now peers up at Shizuo, his eyes cleared now.]

But only for you. My guilt is here for you. I still don't care about other people. But I care about you and. I'll fix you. If you fix me. And I think that's a promise I can keep. I can...try...to be more open...when I'm hurt. I didn't want to hurt you. I just couldn't...help it. I'm sorry, okay? I'll...hnn...I won't hurt people you're close with. I...promise. I'll try. Honestly try this time. Um. If you let me.

[Yeah, there are things Shizuo doesn't understand, too. They are both new at this, still, and being the destructive people they are bound to fuck up on such drastic scales. But that's how they are - both of them, really. But more than anything, a relationship is about accepting the other person, completely. It's something for which Shizuo yearned, for a long time. And...maybe Izaya yearned for that too. Not in the same way - but from him. Izaya wanted to be trusted and accepted even though he does terrible things.]

Okay. I understand. You're right. I'm sorry I hurt you. Really sorry, and not just because of what happened. Because I don't want to hurt you. I care about you, Izaya. I know you said that you need to feel it in order for it to make sense, but you have my heart. Still. Even after all of this.

[He touches Izaya's cheek, gently.]

I believe you.

[Of course it is unsettling that Izaya cares only about him - but if he means it...if he tries...maybe one day, it'll be safe for him to be around Zelda again. Maybe they could work things out and make everything okay, again. And even if they didn't...

Shizuo has made his choice. He's investing in this, for better or for worse.]

Thank you. I'm glad you want to try. [He doesn't know that they will ever be able to fix what's been done to Zelda and Sola, or to his relationships with the two of them, but he finally has his promise.]

I won't put you on the back burner anymore.

[He covers the hands on his knees, squeezes them.]

I'll fix you, Izaya.

[This conversation was a lot less explosive than Izaya had suspected. He'd figure that Shizuo would try to kill him and that any potential hope for this sort of thing would be immortally impossible.

Izaya had prepared for that. He predicted it.

But that's the thing about Shizuo.

He was always so damn unpredictable, wasn't he?]

Shizu-chan...

[His voice is quiet, and suddenly, he's smiling widely because that..honestly meant a lot to him. More than he could probably let Shizuo ever know. He doesn't like to be on the back burner- least of all for Shizuo.

He wants his attention and his heart- fully and entirely. Izaya's just selfish like that. He's going to try. And he promises that not only to Shizuo but to himself.

He didn't want to mess this up again. No way.]

Thank you.

[And then- Izaya's moving fast and hard. He slips his hands out from under Shizuo's in favor of throwing himself into Shizuo.

His arms around his waist, his face into his stomach, and the force of the hug bring Shizuo into the bed and Izaya partially ontop of him.]

I'll be good for you. I swear. Just- give me a chance.

[That smile. The one Shizuo wanted to see. He smiles in return, because it's the smile. The real one. And it's really nice to see that.

He's pushed on the bed, but he doesn't mind at all. Closeness is what he wanted yesterday - and it's what he wants today. And tomorrow. And for as long as possible. He wraps his arms around Izaya.]

I believe you. And I do want you to try. But Izaya, if you fuck up, just come to me. Tell me. It's okay. I'll accept you, no matter what. I'm ready to feel that - to tell you that. It won't be easy, but if I'm going to fix you, it means I have to accept your screw ups, too. And I do. I wouldn't be having this conversation with you if I didn't.

[And yeah, it still hurt. He still had the memory of Sola hitting pavement, and he still distanced himself from Zelda - there were a lot of loose ends and just because they were going to make this work, didn't mean it was without pain. But they were both hurting. And working to fix that.]

I'm yours, Izaya. Only. All of me.