vatheon | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Characters: Orihara Izaya and the world of Vatheon
Location: Most likely in the Plaza, but anywhere really.
Time: Monday evening
Style: Action or prose.
Status: Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open

[This might be considered a warning sign for mental instability but if anyone actually knew Izaya, it wouldn't be that shocking. It's still a pretty interesting sight regardless.

Izaya is pacing back and forth. Between one street lamp and to the next. He's walking in a quick, even line back and forth, back and forth. He stops at each street lamp and occasionally pulls out his starfish communicator but only to put it back away and continue pacing. If anyone had been watching for a while now, they might've known that he's been doing this for a good twenty or maybe even thirty minutes.

He's muttering to himself too. Even better. Oh but the slightly worse part is the flick blade he continuously snaps open and shut in his other hand- of which is clicking loudly over his ramblings. He doesn't look upset. Actually, he looks kinda of energetic and excited.

Go and interrupt his thinking time?]

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Izaya took a step back when Shizuo stood up. He still expected that any moment, that rage would crack back like a bullwhip and Shizuo would rip up the nearest thing and hurl it at him. His hand even went to his pocket where he had put his knife away. It didn't happen though. Instead, Izaya found himself stiff in alarm as Shizuo put his hand against his chest yet again. Izaya's fingers twitched against the material of Shizuo's shirt and he wanted to reject the man.

"You don't know what this means. You don't understand. You can't just wake up and decide that this is what you want," he argued a bit viciously, but he didn't remove his hand. Instead, he closed his fist completely and pulled himself right up to Shizuo, tilting his head up to stare at him intently. "I didn't expect to ever be like this with you. I didn't expect you to ever stop hating me. And I still think that this is nothing. That you don't mean this. I know you're not playing a game with me. But I also know that you're lost."

He didn't entirely care though. Shizuo could drag himself into Izaya's world if he wanted to. Izaya didn't think that that was what Shizuo really wanted, really understood, but if Shizuo insisted, then Izaya would be selfish. He would take advantage of Shizuo allowing him this rare slice of heaven. Something that had, up until recently, seemed completely impossible. But Izaya was going to be selfish. He wanted this. A lot more than he'd probably let anyone know ever- Shizuo included.

He pulled Shizuo down toward him by his shirt and leaned up at the same time. It was an aggressive action but when their lips met- it was pure gentleness. It was an easy kiss, full and warm-lipped. There was a fleeting moment of fear and excitement that rushed through him and Izaya felt this spring of indescribable joy inflate in his chest as he did the one thing that he'd contemplated for the longest time. And when he broke the kiss, that smile was back on his face. That smile that shrieked sincerity and a rare happiness because that felt so good and Izaya felt gleeful as a stupid child. He forced the smile down though and eventually closed his eyes and released Shizuo's shirt.

"Thank you."

Shizuo didn't respond to that sudden vehemence, instead just standing and accepting. It was true, after all. He was lost, and wavering in between clarity and confusion. Izaya had said he wanted his heart, though, and Shizuo had promised him. Shizuo had cut himself so that he wouldn't forget. No, he didn't understand entirely what it meant, and Izaya was right - it wasn't something he could just wake up and say he wanted, but Izaya was also wrong. Shizuo didn't wake up and decide. He decided before he was awake, when everything - Vatheon included - was under a curse. And then, when he woke up, it wasn't because it just happened. Izaya woke him up. That meant something. Even if Shizuo was lost. He'd hold onto that.

"It's not nothing." That was the only protest he voiced, and there was a hurt quality to it. Izaya deserved to say those things - feel those things - but Shizuo wanted a little more weight than he was offering.

Then Izaya pulled him forward, and Shizuo knew what was coming. It was familiar in a dangerous way, and an anxious thrill made him hold his breath and stare just as Izaya's lips met his. Shizuo closed his eyes immediately thereafter and felt, returning the kiss with a shy gentleness. It was so different from the kiss that Izaya had given him to wake him up.

When Izaya pulled away and Shizuo saw it - that smile, the one he promised himself about - he stared, eyes wide, almost disbelieving. That had been so easy, so perfect. Shizuo's own expression was openly happy, tender, and remained that way until he finally looked away.

Then, eye contact broken, it was easy for doubt to resurface.

"Don't," he mumbled. "Don't tell me I don't know anything and then thank me." Contrary to his tone, he felt inexplicably happy, having seen that smile - that had been all he wanted to see, especially as he watched Izaya break the evening before.

But it was difficult. So much disbelief existed between them that it was hard not to vacilitate between joy and pain - acceptance and disbelief.

"Hey, hey Shizu-chan. You know what tomorrow is, right?" he said, holding up an index finger in front of Shizuo's face. "It's Valentine's Day." That was something pretty funny to think about and Izaya found himself actually laughing. But it wasn't like the other night's laughter. It wasn't broken apart and damaged. Instead, it was just as it always was. Light with a little bit of harshness to it that just came with the package deal that was Orihara Izaya.

He stopped though and looked at Shizuo for a long, quiet minute or two before he reached a hand back out and put it against the back of his neck. He pulled himself to Shizuo and held himself there. It was difficult to not touch now that he had already allowed himself the pleasure. "Maybe you do know some things. We'll just have to see."

He rested his head against the center of Shizuo's chest and pressed his ear against his body until he could hear the dull thud of Shizuo's heart.

"This doesn't change everything. Just some things. The important things. And-."

He stops and his eyes narrow into harsh little red slits as he considers his next words. But he knows that they are mostly sincere.

"I'm sorry. That I've...hurt you. Tried to destroy your life so much." It's forced but he means it. He had never wanted to apologize for tormenting Shizuo but he knows that if this...whatever it is...is going to get anywhere that matters, then he has to.

Valentine's Day. That was right. With everything that had been going on, Shizuo had forgotten about the holiday. He had wanted to get something for Zelda, because of how she was always there for him. And that was more important than ever. "I forgot," he replied, and found himself suddenly uncomfortable. "Because of...everything." What did that mean, now? It was a holiday with which Shizuo had never really bothered before. That, too, was changing. He didn't know what to say about it, so he looked at Izaya as Izaya looked at him, almost blankly.

When Izaya pressed himself against Shizuo, Shizuo was stiff initially, but once again made himself relax. Izaya had said that he didn't understand what was so terrifying for Shizuo, but it was this, exactly. Closeness, both physically and otherwise. As far as Shizuo was concerned, giving Izaya his heart in that metaphorical sense of the expression had not been the difficult part of this exchange. After all, he had tried to give it to him twice before, both under and awakened from the curse. Rather, it was what followed - what Izaya chose to do with it. Izaya was still Izaya, would always be Izaya, and there were things about him that still bothered Shizuo. The glimpses into kindness had begun change Shizuo's point of view, but old impressions wane slowly. Shizuo still had an image of Izaya wanting to break him.

Some things wouldn't change, but Shizuo didn't know what those things were. That was worse than what had already changed - and what would change even more.

He brought a belated hand to Izaya's back and rested it there, recalling how he had held Izaya the night the curse broke, and how Izaya had remained stiff and unrelenting. Izaya had wanted him to wake up.

"I can't figure out if it's better for some things to say the same or not," he confessed quietly.

The apology was unexpected. Shizuo had given his earlier, but had never expected one in return - certainly not like that. He wondered if he could just forgive Izaya for all of that - if this new thing between them could somehow erase everything that existed in the past.

"Okay." It was an acceptance, but not necessarily a forgiveness. He wasn't ready for that yet. There was still so much ground for them to cover, first. "Just don't do it anymore." That was the most important point - there was so much at stake now.

It was a weight somewhat lifted, but not fully removed. Shizuo could breathe a little easier, now, because a few things had finally slid into place, but he was still afraid to abandon all concerns.

"Hey," he said, looking down at Izaya. "You're not worthless." Selfish, maybe. An asshole, yes, by his own admission. But not worthless. Shizuo wouldn't have spent his adulthood chasing Izaya down if he were worthless.

The weight of Shizuo's hand was comforting. Although there was still something tense about the situation that Izaya didn't completely like. He could tell that Shizuo didn't really fully trust him but he wasn't surprised necessarily. After all that they had been through. It wasn't as if Izaya trusted Shizuo either. While Shizuo liked to play victim, it's not as though he had always been entirely innocent. He hated Izaya blindly and accusingly.

"Okay?" he mocked with a bit of a tone of agitation. "I never apologize for stuff and that's-. Ffft." Asshole. Last time Izaya apologized. It really was a rare oddity and he had a feeling that Shizuo didn't know how rare it was. Izaya never regretted or apologized for fucking up lives. He glared up at Shizuo, his eyes back into that familiar narrowed stance of defense and he all but sneered.

"I was planning on hacking into your phone and destroying all of your personal bonds here one by one, Shizu-chan," he grumbled, "Your faith astounds me." But he rolled his eyes and dropped it. It would probably take a while for Shizuo to get over that. When Shizuo spoke up again, Izaya glanced up and instantly grinned.

"Shizu-chan, I know that." He pushed away from the body guard and stumbled back a few steps as he put his hands into his pockets. "I've always known that I'm not worthless. I know far too many people to be that. And I've always known that I'm not worthless to you. You've said plenty of hurtful things to me in the past, but that's the one thing that never really did any damage," he said and even put on a mild pout as if to emphasize all of that Shizuo did that had hurt him. It was sort of a joke but honestly, it had been a little tiresome to have someone so untrustworthy of him.

"So, you think you can finally believe that one percent chance of me that wants to be good?" he asked, staring at Shizuo steadily from where he stood. "At least a little bit?" he added, because Shizuo was right- Izaya was always going to be who he was and that honestly wasn't a good person. Shizuo would have to deal with that and Izaya wasn't about to change his entire existence just because Shizuo decided he was, for whatever reason, open to this idea. Izaya had to think on that one too.

Maybe Shizuo just wanted a lover very badly. Or perhaps someone who wouldn't cower in fear if he touched them. Whatever the reason, Izaya would accept it for now with a blind sort of love.

It wasn't that Shizuo didn't appreciate the apology. He did have the common sense to figure that Izaya was not the apologetic type. Years of being taunted and seeing him in action had given Shizuo that impression and then some. However, Izaya was right in the sense that Shizuo didn't quite get the weight of the apology - due in part to lack of full trust, and in part to not quite wanting to forgive him. And though he had given Izaya a grand gesture of offering his heart - more than once - covering the rest of the distance just wasn't that easy. There were some things that couldn't be easily erased by this slow, rough transition into new territory.

And though Shizuo did tend to play the victim, he knew he wasn't blameless. That's what he had tried to communicate earlier, with the allegorical tale from his childhood. In that story, one monster ate the other, and Shizuo couldn't shake a foreboding feeling that such an ending might still happen. Though he would not communicate this to Izaya, Shizuo didn't fully trust himself, either. After all, it took Zelda to make him realize that Izaya had actually been kind. Without her, it was likely Shizuo's vision would still be colored by wanting to see everything bad in Izaya.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Shizuo replied to Izaya's agitation, irritation of his own seeping into his tone. It was more frustration than anger, because he didn't understand what more Izaya wanted from him. Did he think that it was going to be that easy? After everything? Shizuo shook his head and was glad that Izaya decided to pull away and give him some space. Suddenly, he needed it.

Especially when Izaya seemingly misinterpreted what he was trying to communicate to him. Of course Izaya didn't see himself as worthless, but Shizuo was trying to say, You're not worthless to me. It felt futile and silly to correct Izaya, so he didn't, but this conversation was reminding him of just how tired he felt. He was too ill-equipped to try and wade through this level of miscommunication.

And though Izaya's question was a simple one, the answer wasn't exactly simple for Shizuo. "Yeah. I finally saw it." He saw that Izaya had wanted to be good to him - had not wanted to take advantage of him under the curse. He saw that there was more to him, and that made Shizuo want to respond to him, to give him a chance. But even being able to retain that believe couldn't make Shizuo put all faith into Izaya - it was too much too soon.

He didn't say anything more about it.

Of course Shizuo did indeed want someone who wasn't afraid of him, and there was a part of Shizuo that did yearn for a whole acceptance, but that wasn't even what he expected from Izaya. He did not look at it as though he were gaining a lover who wouldn't cower in fear. He looked at it as though he was finally, after all that time, coming to terms with the fact that he didn't feel hate for Izaya. Not anymore.

Izaya watched Shizuo and no, he really didn't know what he wanted from Shizuo either. His eyes went downcast and for a moment, he looked a bit stoic.

"It's kinda difficult to accept this as an actual reality. A possibility. It's not that I want you to say anything. The fact that you're even standing here and letting me touch you says enough," Izaya said honestly. He knew perfectly well that this was going to be hard. Sure, every relationship was difficult to some degree but they were an unusual exception that accelerated them to a new level of difficulty. And there weren't any cheat codes to help get through it all. In some way, it almost felt too late for Izaya to take that chance.

But Izaya was so estranged and in far too deep for him to reject that chance. He was only twenty three and still had the mind that he was going to be immortal. In a way.

Izaya watched Shizuo, examined his handsome face and took down the details mentally. Countless details that he had remembered from a long time ago but important nonetheless. He could see how tired and lost Shizuo was with all of this and Izaya frowned a little.

"Shizu-chan," he said lowly, stepping closer to him but he didn't invade his space. For once. "Don't look so tired. I think that this is supposed to be a happy transition. Or something positive like that. Ne. I'll leave you alone for now," he said, figuring that that's what Shizuo really needed. The time to himself to figure things out. Izaya half-expected to hear from Shizuo later to hear that he hadn't really meant anything. That he had just been confused. Izaya really wouldn't be too surprised. Maybe Shizuo didn't hate him but this was a different ground that went beyond expectation. It was. Well, it was romantic.

Izaya grinned at Shizuo briefly before he spun around swiftly and started to walk off from Shizuo.

A happy transition. Shizuo felt an odd desire to laugh at that because somehow, he felt as though he couldn't grasp what exact happy was supposed to mean. Not exactly. Earlier, he had felt it - a response to Izaya's open, genuine smile, because it had been so unexpected and had caught him so off guard, but right now it just felt harder. Difficult. It's one thing to offer a heart; it's another to discuss it, to try to make sense of it. Zelda asked him the night before if Shizuo would want to go back to the way things were, before Vatheon, and he had said yes. He still wasn't sure if his answer would change.

But maybe it could. Izaya seemed to have faith in it, and Shizuo wanted to meet him halfway. He wanted Izaya to touch him, even to kiss him again, to make him feel more, just as he had earlier. But as Izaya said, it was difficult to accept that as a possibility. As an actual desire, especially since it started out as wanting to throw street lamps at Izaya. He wasn't really sure how that had led to this. It felt fast, though technically, it really wasn't. Shizuo, however, couldn't conceive of the gap between hate and love as related in terms of intensity in emotion; rather, it seemed wide and he needed time to process the crossing. He didn't trust that mild yearning.

"Izaya -" Shizuo called out as the informant started to walk away, but then he shook his head. "Forget it." He really didn't know what to say, and maybe it was better if he didn't say anything at all, for now.

Instead, he patted his pockets to find his cigarettes, and turned to walk in the other direction. He needed to figure out what to do for Zelda, and that would be a nice distraction from this meeting.

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