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The time has come, seahorsedad said
Who: Sufferer and everyone crashing at Dualscar's hive this week
When: throughout the curse week
Where: Dualscar's hive, which he's now sharing with two freeloading holy bros
Style: whatever
Status: pretty open
Freshly equipped with new hands--new hands with thumbs!--Sufferer finds himself taking care of multiple trolls who have been turned into animals, including but not necessarily limited to multiple cats, an aquatic hoofbeast, an Alternian bee, and a mute penguin. Of course, this being the party hive that it is, others drop by during the course of the week as well.]
[OOC: mingle, start threads with each other, have fun! Just let everyone know in subject header if it's closed or open or what.]
When: throughout the curse week
Where: Dualscar's hive, which he's now sharing with two freeloading holy bros
Style: whatever
Status: pretty open
Freshly equipped with new hands--new hands with thumbs!--Sufferer finds himself taking care of multiple trolls who have been turned into animals, including but not necessarily limited to multiple cats, an aquatic hoofbeast, an Alternian bee, and a mute penguin. Of course, this being the party hive that it is, others drop by during the course of the week as well.]
[OOC: mingle, start threads with each other, have fun! Just let everyone know in subject header if it's closed or open or what.]
no subject
You're going to hurt yourself.
no subject
[That snappy response interrupts, because really, don't think his temper is doing any better. He isn't doing this to be 'cute' or because he thinks it's funny; this is serious to him, and he's using the means available to him to make his point. Speaking of, mrowl mrowl MROWL YOWL.]
no subject
Well, maybe I do!
[Sufferer's cheeks are flushed red now, and his eyes are alight with agitation and distress. Karkat can probably feel how his muscles have all tensed up.]
Do you know what your sign is, Karkat? You're a smart troll, you've figured it out by now, right? It's the shackles I was wearing when I died. The sign my followers chose after I died was an instrument of torture, the thing that killed me!
What kind of sick weirdos do something like that?!
[No, seriously, he really wants to know.]
I think the only reason they didn't choose an arrow to represent them was because that sign was already taken!
And then what happened? Sweeps later, Summoner came along! And he blew it too! He went to war against the Empire, rallied the troops, all that noble, well-meaning bullshit, and he still failed!
The Empire can't be beaten. They're too strong, too entrenched, and even if I changed a few troll's minds back then, it doesn't mean shit now! The Condesce is going to win, she's always going to win, and you know why? Because she has my best fucking friend powering her hell ship, and that's my fault too!
[Abruptly, he covers his face with both hands.]
Lulu... no... Dolorosa should have just left me in the Caverns to die. Everyone would have been better off.
no subject
[Yeah, Karkat kept meowing throughout that diatribe of self-loathing, but that doesn't mean he didn't listen. By the end he's madder still, fur actually floofing up in the most ridiculous form of agitation you could get for the situation.]
You didn't win, but don't you DARE tell me you should have been left to die. You know what you did? You made their lives better for the time you knew them. They might have suffered after, but it wasn't your fault. If you had gone to the Condesce and personally told her to enslave your friend and to oppress us all, then I'd blame you. If you had gone to--to whoever it was who harmed all your believers and followers, and told them to persecute and cull them for it, then I would say it's your fault. But what you did was you dared to hope, and you acted on it. You did what you could! And it wasn't enough, but so fucking what!
I'm going to let you in on a little secret that's been taught to me: you are not perfect. Yes, I hear you blaming yourself and hating yourself for what you couldn't do, but listen to me. You're holding yourself to some ridiculous, unattainable standard. You can't do everything! And failing to prove that wrong does not mean you're some unforgivable heathen who should have been culled the second his meteor touched down on Alternia.
And how rude can you be, to be such an complete jerkass to presume for people that they would be better without you? Have you even asked them? Has Psii ever told you he wishes he never met you? What about the Disciple? The Dolorosa? She did something no one else has likely ever done and raised you as her own, so shut your stupid flap if you're going to tell me she shouldn't have! She was a grown troll, you dickbag, and she made her own decision. She could have left you at any point, but she kept you safe and stayed with you that whole time, didn't she? And I'm sure the others didn't care any less for you.
I can't know why whatever past followers took your irons as their symbol, but here's my guess. It was a mark of what they did to you, of how much they hated you and wanted you to suffer for what you preached, but they followed you anyway. It's a kind of rebellion. Even after you were dead and gone, they found merit in what you taught. And why do you think they killed you? If your words meant nothing, they wouldn't have bothered! The empire has bigger fucking threats than offing some madtroll who doesn't know what he's talking about!
Don't you presume to know the Summoner's life or what he thinks is or isn't worthless when you're not him, either.
Your life sucked in the end. You got killed, and tortured, and you didn't accomplish what you hoped for, and I'm not for an instant trying to deny any of that. You suffered! I saw you, how you were hurt, the aftermath of what they did as far as it applies to you. But just because you suffered doesn't mean you get to be an insufferable prick about it.
[He pauses, just briefly, to catch his breath a little.]
If you want to say who went through more personal pain and hatred, it's you, hands down. I'm not even going to contest that. But if you want to argue about who fucked up more things with what he did, shut the hell up, because I beat you unquestionably. You had some followers that died. Sucks for them! You know what I did? I started playing the game that irrevocably condemned our planet to meteoric apocalypse, and in turn triggered the Vast Glub that led to the extinction of nearly every single member of our species. As if that wasn't enough, I went on to stand by, gawking like a dope, as one of my teammates singlehandedly destroyed our one hope of repopulating the species. But guess what! I didn't just screw over one species, but two! I also gave cancer to a whole entire universe that I helped to create because I was too damn impatient to do it the right way at the time, leading to further suffering for my team and the team of humans our universe eventually spawned. You cannot come close.
The thing is, though, people tell me to stop blaming myself for that too. Do you think Gamzee's wrong for telling me to stop dwelling on it? To not hate myself so much? It's in the past, Signless - it's done, and I can't go back and change it. If I did, we would all be even more doomed since paradox space doesn't like alternate timelines. It's set in stone. I could have done better if I'd done things right, no shit, but it's too late for that now. So what can we do? Am I just supposed to sit around and mope? No. What we do, is we do better. You're alive here, and you can't undo what happened in our universe, but you have this. When I screw up, I hate that I did it, but I learn and don't make the same mistake next time.
I'm not going to lie and tell you it's easy to stop blaming yourself, or to not hate yourself for where you fell short, but that's not all there is to it. You have friends and quadrantmates and family, in a bizarre human-esque way that sill matters, and we actually give a shit about you. If you were as worthless as you're trying to make yourself out to be, I wouldn't have bothered with this.
My tongue's going to fall off at this rate, so I'll wrap this up. Stop telling me you shouldn't have lived, because that is a rank heap of hoofbeast shit. Stop arguing with me and trying to tell me you're this unforgivable, irredeemable failure, because that's an even bigger heap of it, and I won't hear it. And last, actually give what I'm saying a chance, and let us people who let you into our lives help you, you mewling little grub.
[At long last, his claws retract, releasing their hold on him.]
no subject
[But the situation is serious, very serious. Sufferer listens, letting the waves of anger and self-loathing wash over him, and it's almost too much to process. One thing stands out though, at the end. The part about others helping him.]
Karkat, I...
[His voice catches in his throat, and wavers when he finally gets it to work again.]
I... I don't know how.
[And just like that, the dam bursts; candy-red tears start trickling down Sufferer's cheeks, and he raises his hands again to hide his face. Troll Jesus wept.]
[Literally.]
no subject
Hey--hey, come on.
[Quite gently, he reaches and places his paw to his forearm.]
I didn't mean to upset you that bad with that; I just wanted you to listen. But hey--I know it's hard, alright? I've been there in my own way. It's not always easy to take help even when people are handing it to you. You just have to be willing to listen, and try to accept what they're telling you. If you trust these people and they're being sincere, it'll be for the better. And trust me, it's better than just hating yourself with no one to pull you out of it.
no subject
[Sufferer scrubs violently at his face, trying to wipe it clean and only smearing the reddish tears all over the place.]
I'm sorry, I can't do anything right, I don't even know how to ask for help, and I don't even deserve help, not after what I did to everyone, and...
[He trails off again, beset by a fresh wave of tears. Very gently, he tries to move Karkat off his lap so he can curl up in a ball on the couch.]
no subject
You can do things right, and you do deserve help, and I'm not going to let you tell me otherwise. If you didn't deserve it I wouldn't be here trying to give you any; I would have told you to cram your head up your ass so the stupid shit you're spouting winds up where it belongs. But you are being stupid about this still. Just listen, would you?
You have a moirail, don't you? I know he can't talk this week, but that doesn't mean he can't listen or that he'll be mute after the curse ends. Tell him about your feelings and figure this stuff out. Or talk to the Disciple, or anyone else who cares about you, because hey, half the point I'm making is that you have those. If you keep pushing them away because you feel like you don't deserve it, you're not going to help anything. If they don't want to, they can tell you no. You're not some black hole sucking everyone's will into it just to cater to your whims, so at least have the decency to respect that could legitimately want to give you what help they can.
no subject
[But it's a half-hearted resistance effort, and Sufferer listens to what Karkat has to say. He knows, intellectually, that his descendent is right. But knowing something in his head and actually practicing it is so much harder.]
You think... you think Dualscar would listen to me?
no subject
[At least he can hear the stubbornness dying down in his voice. It's good to know that some of this is sinking in, even if with effort and difficulty. He's reminded, in a way, of earlier days when he and Eridan were moirails. Speaking of--]
He is your moirail, isn't he? It's part of the point of the quadrant for him to be there for you. If he doesn't want to listen and help you with your problems, then there's something wrong with the relationship. But don't you just use him as a target to whine at, either. You have to actually listen to him if he gives you advice, even if it's difficult.
no subject
[Sufferer sighs, and idly runs one hand down Karkat's back. Even if he can't feel how soft his hurt is, the motion itself is comforting.]
I think... I need to go have a jam with my moirail.
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As you have finally located some actual sense, I'll let you go do that. You'll get this mess figured out eventually.
no subject
[Sufferer gets up off the couch, leaving Karkat to his sunbeams. Once, any interaction between the two of them wouldn't have ended until he'd gotten to hug his descendent, but that is just one more thing that got lost when he died.]
[He does stop, though, on his way to find Dualscar, and looks over his shoulder.]
Thank you, Karkat.
no subject
[He says it matter-of-fact, but really, beyond the ridiculous framing, he's glad his ancestor is actually giving his point a chance. For now, he'll hop back onto the couch, curl himself up, and
take a naprest his eyes in the sunny spot.]