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Who: Summoner and Signless
When: Right now / late as all hell
Where: Signless's apartment building
Style: Prose.
Status: Closed.

Fuck, he's messed up, well, no, no he hasn't, but he feels like he's messed up because damn, when Darkleer had gotten stone cold again like that before leaving, Summoner knew what was happening. He knew Darkleer would just fade away, if not from everyone, then just him and he really didn't want that but it had to happen because he knew, he... He knew what was going on. Still his heart ached and he couldn't bear to be with himself alone right now so he made his way to someone he felt he actually could talk to. Even is Lysunder really didn't want to do this either...

The weight of everything, of what just happened, of his body, of words said, his horns, his pity for someone he couldn't pity, shouldn't, it all came down when his feet finally hit the floor of the balcony outside Signless's room. And this great General felt his knees buckle and he legs shake, and suddenly his whole body shudders as knees hit ground and elbows met the hard surface beneath him to hold him up as he curled into himself. The Summoner wanted to bawl, weep, wanted to feel that release but he dared not let himself as he crouched into himself on that balcony. Maybe he could just stay here and Signless wouldn't notice. And when he finished releasing his woes to the floor beneath him, he could leave, as if never there...

Maybe, he told himself, not folding back his wings, letting them lay over him like a golden orange sheath and sulking limply around him and the floor.

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Signless sleeps fairly well these days, usually curled around Psii or Disciple, his mind free from visions or nightmares, just moving lazily from one blurry image to another. Most of the images are from his life, revisiting old memories like friends, seeing things for the second time, getting to examine them and turn them over in contemplation. But his sleep has been eerily dreamless tonight, and the thump on the balcony awakens him from a light doze.

His first thought, muzzy and blurred with sleep, is of Darkleer, and he wonders if there's an arrow somewhere in the hive, quivering in the wall and bearing a card with some kind of delivery. But no, there was no shattering glass, no whoosh of disturbed air, just a thump.

Carefully, he slips off the couch, lightly lifting Psii's arm off him and setting it down comfortably, and he pads to the balcony, his eyes picking out a large, dark shape there. His brow furrows in confusion, and his second thought is that someone has heaved a rock up there, but then he sees the wings, laying crumpled over the form, and any residual sleepiness flees as he opens the door in a hurry and crouches next to the Summoner.

"Lysunder? Lysunder, what happened?"

His body shakes, one could say crying perhaps? But further inspection would show that he's laughing. Hushed, forced, desperate laughter stay stays muffled as he keeps himself curled down against the floor, feeling no need to look upon a man he's idolized while having such woe in his eyes. Summoner's head keeps low and he shakes it slightly, not moving besides that and the laughter that slowly dies now.

"I figured, I fucked up one relationship, might as w-well make that two for the night."

His voice is as desperate as that laughter and he feels himself to be but and insect in the other's presence, perhaps he's always felt that way to him in some respect. But now, he'd probably feel that way with anyone...

"Oh, Lysunder... Lysunder, my friend, my brother, do you really think you could get rid of me that easily?"

Signless' voice is sad as he regards the desolate, curled up pile of troll at his feet. He adjusts himself, getting his knees underneath him, leaning close to the other troll's body. He examines Lysunder's wings, and the way they're falling around him like a cloak, like a blanket, like a wall keeping them apart. He reaches out, touching the nearest one, and starts trying to get it to fold back into its normal position. This takes two hands; otherwise, one would already be in the Summoner's hair.

Edited 2012-02-04 11:17 (UTC)

He scoffs, shaking his head again but staying silent this time. Summoner's wing twitches when a hand touches it but goes limp quickly, as if asleep, yet Summoner just could careless at this point. He enjoys the way their handled though, Signless's light touch sending a chill through his wings and down into his back. For the most part he remains still though, not needing to say a word, not wanting to, not wanting to already feel soothed by the other's voice even though he he.

Hell, he's making all the wrong choices tonight, isn't he?

After some grappling and manipulation, Signless gets the wing folded down the way he wants it, back in its natural position across the Summoner's back. Then he gets right in there, curling close around the other troll and pressing his body against his, one arm going around Summoner's shoulders and the other hand resting on top of his head.

"Whatever it was, it can't be as bad as all that. We'll fix it, we can set it right, shoosh, it's okay, my friend, it's okay..."

Signless' hand starts combing through Summoner's hair, gently untangling the snarled up knots and brushing the red strands behind his horns.

"No, no, it is fixed. That w-was the purpose of it, that w-was what I had to do and did. I can't afford to have such connections here, so I fixed it." He did, he really did, but why did he still feel so terrible? Summoner felt like his world was crashing down and this wasn't even his world! Emotions like this, they held so much, this is why he couldn't afford to have such things, to be swayed so.

The General's throat catches and he coughs, the coughs forcing out a few gasps before he finally feels a sob leaves him, still managing to hold his tears back. He doesn't move into the other's touch even though his body wishes to, wishes to push his head into that head, to curl closer to Signless. Instead he stays where his is, a ball on the floor, wings dead behind him and heart feeling even deeper in the grave.

Yeah, good luck trying to stay away from Signless' touches, bro. Even though Summoner hasn't moved away, he hasn't moved back yet either, which just makes Signless cuddle closer, getting right in against the taller troll, manuevering in close against him. After a moment's thought, he readjusts his cloak, tossing it over Summoner's back like a blanket, the cloth (still warm from his body heat) settling over bright golden wings like an embrace.

"If you fixed it, Lysunder, then why are you so sad?" Signless moves one hand to Summoner's back, and starts gently papping him betweeen the shoulder blades, between his wings, remembering that he'd liked that before. His other arm winnows around Summoner's front, hugging him close as Signless ducks his head, ducking under a long, oversized horn so he can nuzzle at the side of Summoner's face, his nose buried in one red sideburn.

Still he doesn't move, except to move with Signless's hands. The ornage blood let's himself be directed and pushed and pulled closer, moves his head when Signless pushes his cheek close and closes his eyes, feeling his cheek burn from the proximity of the other's face. Still he can feel the welling up behind his eye lids and he wants to just sink into the feeling, let it drown him, drown everything. Oh does he hate crushing another man, and that's precisely what he did to Darkleer, at least in some respect.

"I don't know how to answer that, I, I am not sure. I know w-what needed to be done, so I did it, but still, I feel this way," he moves a hand up to reluctantly grab onto the cloth of Signless's cloak, his grasp weak, fingers shaking.

"I suppose I allow myself to feel this w-way, because I know he won't allow himself to indulge in his sorrows this way. Unless... uh... unless, I've been mistaken this whole time. Praise to the mother I hope to be mistaken," even if he damn well knows he's not.

Signless notices when Summoner takes his cloak and pulls his closer around himself, and he interprets that as a good sign. It's bothering him how the other troll is keeping himself so isolated, so distant, but then, he did fly here, seeking him out, after whatever happened. He says quiet at Summoner speaks, listening carefully to what he tells him, his only movements the gentle, papping rhythm he's set up on his back.

"What happened?" he repeats, once he's sure Summoner is done talking. Pap pap pap, between his wings.

"Heh," it leaves fast, like what Signless said was a joke he really did find funny. Summoner shakes his head slightly, eyes closing tighter, if they can even manage that.

Signless stays quiet then, just papping and holding Summoner and waiting for him to be ready to speak.

That may be a little while, and more prompting. He's not good at this sharing feelings thing, okay? For now he just keeps silent, still curled into himself, still just wanting this whole day to stop, to end, to have never have began. He wishes he never had come to this dome, hurting someone, anyone, wasn't worth this... Even with The Signless here. And still, he's being a fool infront of him.

Again.

It's okay, Signless can wait. He hugs Summoner tighter, almost like he's trying to crawl under the other troll's skin, and continues papping him, up and down, all along his spine.

After awhile, he starts singing, softly and quietly, under his breath. He actually has a surprisingly pleasant singing voice, a gentle, mellow tenor.

"Don't be afraid, the sun is out the window,
Don't be afraid, you're never alone.
Look to the skies, those who love you are waiting,
Waiting to guide you home."

His brows furrow when he starts to hear the other sing and he breathes deep, trying his best to calm his nerves as the soft words wrap around him as Signless has been doing with his arms and body. Slowly Summoner manages to calm himself down, only having allowed a few tears to fall, those of which he quickly moves to wipe away with a wrist, the moisture soaking into the tightly wound bandages there that spiral up his arms.

"I suppose y-y-you deserve and explanation, yeah?"

A slight laugh, sulking still as he remains on his knees, still having yet to sit up, wings limp.

Signless can feel Summoner start to relax a little, some of the tension bleeding out of his body, and he keeps humming the simple tune over and over as he does.

"If you want to give me one, I'll listen. If you don't, that's fine too." He smoothes some of Summoner's hair down over the back of his neck. "I'm not going to judge you, either way."

Again Summoner takes a while to respond, this time finally sitting up. Still his back is arched, head sunk low back his chest. Lysunder's eyes stare in the balcony floor and his hands lay limp at his sides, wings the same. Another pause, lips closing, tongue trying to wet them and they open again, the light smack of lips leaving the front of his fangs his hear and he tries to meet the other's gaze but he simply can't.

"I suppose you know nothing of the Expatriot's and my relationship... whatever it w-was. I, I'm still unsure." Summoner closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Tell me if you know anything of our interactions, I, it... it wi-will let me know where to begin."

"Excelsior."

Signless corrects him automatically, then busies himself tucking his cloak closer around Summoner's shoulders. So this has something to do with Darkleer; he doesn't think the blueblood hurt Summoner, at least not physically, which means this must be something else. A wound that will be more difficult and time-consuming to heal.

"I knew that the two of you spoke, but that is about all I know."

Darkleer was very good about making their conversations private, you see.

"Right...right, sorry."

He swallows, nodding. Okay, yeah, he has noticed Darkler privates all their conversations, and they have only met in private as well. He's not quite sure how to start this, it's so... very confusing. Summoner is terrible as expressing his own problems. But he can tell stories... A deep breath, keeping his eyes closed and he moves his hands to anxiously knead into the cloth of the other's cloak.

"Darkleer as I, speak often. Frequently... In fact," sigh.

"Not a message either of us send up onto the network goes past either of our attention and like clockwork we respond to eachother. Ye-yet. I can be like that with many, there's nothing to think of it, really, uh, so I suppose I had not realized wh-what was happening." Lysunder's throat catches and he closes his mouth, taking a deep breath through his nose before continuing.

"We have argued, and bickered, and as I always have, flirted, of course. I know wh-what, what I do. But within our conversations we have gotten serious many times, and I fear something else had been happening as a result..."

Edited 2012-02-05 03:31 (UTC)

Signless listens, quietly papping with one hand, the other one resting on Summoner's opposite shoulder. He listens, and this sounds very familiar, a story he's heard before, many times, and he sighs. The paps on the back stop, and he moves his hand to try and lay it on the side of Summoner's face.

"And you started feeling things for each other that you didn't intend to."

He thinks he knows where this is going.

Edited 2012-02-05 04:09 (UTC)

"More than didn't intend, should never have intended. A range of other things have happened in person and not, and tonight I made sure to snuff it before it-" he swallows, turning his head away from Signless's hand.

"-Before I merely became a new scar for him to bear. The dark cave he spends his life in is no place for a star that belongs in the heavens, leading those in the right direction." Lysunder shakes his head, moving his hands to his face.

"I have no place in anyone's life in such a way. I belong to another purpose."

"Oh, Summoner..."

Yeah, you think it's going to be that easy to get away from Signless' affections? Nope and nope; when Summoner moves his head away, Signless just rises up on his knees and tries to coax the other troll's head over onto his shoulder, taking care to mind his horns.

"Summoner, Summoner, Summoner..."

Signless strokes the back of his head, curling his arms tight around his neck, the soft place where his neck meets his shoulder very inviting and ready for Summoner to lean into, if he chooses to do so.

"Why are you so afraid to be happy?"

"Fear has no part here, this isn't about fear of anything, nor is it about my happiness, but infact the happiness of others."

He's feels too weak to really struggle and Signless does well to be inviting. The General breathes deep and he slumps forward and curls around him, fingers tightening around the hem of the cloak, hiding his face in Signless's shoulder.

"I wi-wish it was so simple."

That's better. With Summoner's face in his shoulder, Signless wraps his arms tighter around him, stroking the back of his head with one hand and papping between his shoulder blades again with the other.

"Shoosh, it's okay, we'll make it okay, shoosh, shoosh..."

Signless rocks them back and forth for a few moments, murmuring quiet, comforting nonsense syllables into Summoner's ear, until he suddenly paps a little harder than usual and clears his throat.

"You say you're one of my followers, Summoner, but sometimes I wonder how well you really listened."

He's going somewhere with this, bear with him.

He doesn't respond, hearing the change in tone. 'Really listened?' He's listened through so many sweeps, so many sweeps hav Signless's stories traveled before they finally got to The Summoner. He's not sure what the other means by those words but he can feel Signless readying himself to speak again, hands clenching, calming still, almost perfectly silent.

Make it better, no, he did make it better, that was the purpose. There was no fixing, no making better, nothing, that's what this was about. The pain he feels is an echo of the emotion he felt once Darkleer hardened at that last moment, before he turned to leave. Perhaps he allows himself to despair like this because in part Summoner doubts Darkleer will allow himself the grace of it?

He can't be sure. All he does now is await Signless's nest words, hanging on them desperately.

"You're one of my followers, someone who lives his life based on what I taught, but Summoner..."

Signless puts one hand on the side of Summoner's face.

"When did I ever say you couldn't be happy? If being with Darkleer would make you happy, then do it. If falling flushed for someone, or pale for someone, or even pitch would bring you joy, embrace that. Rebellions and fighting the Empire are all well and good, and I've told you before how grateful I am that you are fighting to preserve my name and my legacy, but all the victories in the world are meaningless if you don't have someone to share your triumph with."

Signless squeezes him tighter.

"Your war is not here, Summoner; your men are waiting for you back in your time, and you'll go back to them at some point and do what you are destined to do. You'll burn as brightly as the stars, you'll have your memory splashed across the heavens, and all that was meant to be, will. But while you are here, don't deny yourself what joy and happiness you can find, and don't you dare do it in my name. I would rather you never knew of my existence than have you do that."

How Signless's hand burns him; irons, like hot irons and he wants to pull away but he doesn't, keeping his gaze down but his cheek still to the palm of the other's hand. Summoner feels a lump in his throat listening to such a tone come from this man, of all people, and every word strikes hard like a hammer to iron. But what he speaks isn't something Summoner agrees with, he can't. He already shares his victories and losses with others, so many, legions even. He needs no one but them in his life. He's sure of it.

"I am happy as I can manage here, here in this place of lies and illusions. But here, nor home, do I have a place in quadrants. I don't need them to share my feelings, I have so many men and woman to do so with. They are all I need, all that helps me to continue on, and only the thought of them w-w-waiting for me helps me to go on here.

Summoner chokes, shaking his head and curling his shoulders inward. Oh how he hates that image burning in his mind, that sorrowful, great man leaving with such a cold stride from their meeting, cold, stone, and yet he skin still is set ablaze where he had touched him, and him, he. Lysunder would strip his hands of flesh if he thought it would work, if he thought it would stop it.

"And the war not being here only means I am to await for it, wait as my men do for my return. I would wait till my skin peels and my bones ash. So be it, this need to return, this fear, if we shall call it fear, of commitment to another that I cannot promise will end well. Indulging in such a thing would be like agreeing to a battle I know cannot be won. I w-wi-will not allow such a failure-" he stops, wincing, shaking his head weakly as he curls forward more, fangs clenching.

"I'd never give up what I know of yo-you, don't even mention such a thing... Signless."

Edited 2012-02-05 05:32 (UTC)

Signless is almost getting a little frustrated with Summoner by now. He doesn't get it, he's being deliberately obtuse, walling himself off from what would make him happy and bring him joy, and Signless can't understand that. Try as he might, it makes no sense to him.

"Summoner..." he leans back, loosening his hold so he can crouch down and look up into the other troll's face, laying one hand flat on Summoner's broad chest, right over his beating heart. "We're lowbloods. It's an ugly, brutal reality, but it's true... we won't live that long. Our candles have to burn twice as bright as the highbloods, twice as strong for them to shed any light. We don't have time to be cautious, to wait until everything is lined up and optimal. We need to be stronger, more brave, even fearless."

His hand moves on Summoner's chest, papping him over his heart, feeling it pound beneath his fingers. "If you love him, you should go to him. Of all the highbloods I've known, he's one of the ones that needs love the most. He needs you, Summoner, he needs you and your life and your spark and your fearlessness, he needs someone to remind him of all the beauty there is in the world, and you can do that for him."

"And love..." pap pap pap, "loving someone is never wrong. How can we ever expect to change anything if we don't show everyone how much love we're capable of?"

All this moving around, reminding him how close he is to Signless right now, how he's made a terrible mistake by showing up here. But in that, what did he expect? Going to talk to Signless, of course he would say these things, of course. Why the hell did Summoner come here to speak with him if he knew the other would respond in such a way? Maybe a part of him wanted to hear the other side of this like he actually had it as an option. Lysunder knows he can't do as Signless speaks, hell, even if he wanted to now, which he doesn't, it'd be too late. Still the idea of 'love' was something he couldn't help but enjoy, but want in some respect. It always felt so foreign though, to a man that sought something more carnal, quick, no strings attaching him to anything or tying him down. Love wasn't something for him, it couldn't be. It was silly to even bother himself with the thought of it.

"I know, I know... Damnit I know, Signless. And I will, but not for this, not for him or anyone in such a way. That passion is for another purpose and that is where my focus lies," his fangs clench when he feels Signless move a hand to his chest and he bows his head slightly glancing down at it. His lips curl, a small smile on his face, shaking his head just slightly, horns weighing down any more noticeable action at this point.

"Sure, I'll agree that he needs it, hell, he needs a lot of things, someone like that, acting the way he does, it's fucking pathetic-" Said with a rather half sob/half laugh. "-But not from me. Especially now. I'm out now, and he and I both accept this end."

Unlike all other trolls, Signless wasn't raised by a lusus, so he doesn't have a tendency to make animal sounds when he gets upset. Rather, he purses his lips together and breathes out through his nose in a little huff... one of the ways the Dolorosa showed disapproval on the rare occasions when she got upset with him.

"You're being obstinate."

Pap pap pap!

"What did you even say to him?"

"Heh..." Summoner coughs, starting to laugh, pulling away from Signless and curling into himself more.

"I said the w-wo-worst thing I could possibly say, but the best thing, for what I needed to do," he says through pained laughter, moving his hands to his face, shaking his head slightly as he softly laughs, wings tightening behind him.

When he first got here, before he ever knew Darkleer, maybe then he would be okay with what he said to him, maybe. But now, after all he knows, after gaining these feelings for the other, god, does he hate himself for what he said to him, but it was perfect for getting the other to leave, to never speak with him again.

"I..I haa... I said what I had to."

Yeah, no, you're not getting away. Signless moves with Summoner, not letting him retreat, and if things end up positioned right, he'll crawl right into his lap. There are advantages to being pocket-sized, and Signless knows exactly how to use them.

"If it was the best thing you needed to do..." Signless lightly pats at Summoner's face, "then why are you so sad about it?"

Then why are you so sad about it?

"Summoner..."

Signless puts both hands on Summoner's cheeks and leans in, resting his forehead against the other troll's. When he speaks again, his voice is hoarse and choked with emotion.

"I'm going to be taken away from the ones I love, and they'll suffer for the rest of their lives because of it. If I could, I would go back in time and treasure every moment we had together, every single precious instant where we in each other's company."

He laughs, the sound jagged and tormented.

"Even running from the highbloods sounds good, now that I know what's coming. I'm... I'm afraid to leave them behind, I feel like I'm running away by dying, that I'm copping out and abandoning them. Don't... don't make the same mistake I did. Treasure every moment you have here for the gift that it is, and just love him."

Edited 2012-02-06 01:25 (UTC)

"Signless..." He responds, soft after the other speaks his name but says nothing more. The smaller troll has moved his way onto Summoner's lap by now, as he sits on his knees, back arched and head slump forward. When hands move to the sides of his cheeks again do they burn, but the voice Signless soon speaks with hurts more than that touch could ever manage to. Lysunder's hands slowly move up, fingers softly curling around Signless's wrists and holding them as the other troll clasps his cheeks, and Summoner does his best to focus his eyes on the red rings staring up at him. The shuffling sound of malleable wings is heard as they uncurl behind him and spread around them, blanketing the floor behind him and partly at either of his sides. Any more flexible and Summoner would curl them around either of them entirely. He hates that he is born so late, it feels late. Sometimes he wonders if he was supposed to be born so much further down the line from Signless's time. He's so far out of reach, the other's death merely in his past as a story and Summoner could never hope to change it.

And now here he is, disappointing this great troll, how this night has gone...

When the other troll laughs in such a way, Summoner cringes, closing his eyes for a moment and leans closer, pressing their foreheads together harder, his hands still soft as they cuff either wrist, feeling heat of Signless's palms on his face. Lysunder shakes his head a little, breathing deep, and pauses before responding.

"No, it will only feel the same. Better to not indulge in something so deep, the end w-w-will only hurt either of us more than I hurt now, and you..." He rubs his head forward, feeling Signless's hair grind between either of their foreheads, his eyes closing.

"You never abandoned anyone, you could help w-what happened... But for me, I can help it. This way, way, when I leave, or he does, neither one of use will suffer as much."

"That's not how the math works, Lysunder."

Signless cuddles in against the larger troll, and looks deep into his sad, golden-brown eyes. He smiles, and it's not a sad smile, but a genuine one.

"Whatever you love you give, and receive in turn, is always worth more than any heartache you get back."

Gentle pap, and then Signless kisses Summoner's forehead.

"Always."

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