vatheon | Pigging out is DEFINITELY a healthy response

[Shizuo follows Zelda in and takes a good look at all the options. He's surprised to see Kasutera cake among the choices, and quickly orders two pieces, which he brings to the table.]

You should try this.

[Never mind the already-large sampler Zelda ordered. More is better when it comes to desserts, anyway. He slides over her portion as he takes a seat, glad to see that Zelda brought milk.

After that, he hesitates.]

I wanted to ask you -

[He can't come up with a sensitive way to ask, but ever since Zelda had left him the Lon-Lon milk, it had been on his mind.]

When you signed that note...you wrote "Princess Zelda Hylia..."

[He trails off because she can get where he's going with this.]

That looks good.

[She looks a little surprised to hear that she signed her note that way. Then again, she had practiced her signature so often that maybe she shouldn't be.]

I did? Ah, it wasn't intentional... I mean, I am, but that is hardly important here. Please pay it no mind. After all, you are not one of my people - you are not even from the same world that I am! I would prefer it if you treated me as...

[She trails off, reddening slightly. She's never really had a friend, so it's strange to say. But they are, aren't they?]

A friend.

[Even though that's what Shizuo expects to hear, since she did sign her name that way, he still looks a little surprised.]

Oh. Yeah - okay. Don't worry about it.

[He's feeling self-conscious, now, too. He's friends with Celty, sure, and then there's Shinra and Tom - but this is a little different. This is without the obligation of jobs and designated roles. Zelda can and does speak freely - and without any concern as to whether Shizuo is going to erupt at any moment. She's seen him at his worst, and yet still wants to spend time with him.]

Friends it is.

[And he focuses on his cake instead of Zelda.]

[She beams, then tries a bite of the kasutera.]

Oh, it's spongy...

[That makes her want to dip it in something or pour syrup or honey on it, but she refrains. It takes her a long time to get through anything, her bites are very small.]

What a dangerous dessert. I think I could eat quite a lot of it!

[Not that she's particularly worried about her weight, but she's not immune to a sugar rush. She tilts her head at Shizuo after a little while. The royalty issue might have been addressed, but he still seems uncomfortable - or maybe she's just gotten used to Zelos' excessively flashy way of talking. The confessions are over, so there's no harm in asking.]

You seem rather pensive. Is something else on your mind?

Good.

[Shizuo gives her a small smile, glad that she's enjoying the cake. However, her assessment is pretty accurate. Though not an overly chatty person by nature, Shizuo is more quiet than he usually is around Zelda.]

Yeah. I guess.

[A pause as he tries to figure out how exactly to explain.]

I...fought with Izaya. Like always, but this time...

[He shakes his head. It was different this time. Not the fight itself - but everything that came after.]

[She leans forward encouragingly to let him know she's listening. If he's talking about the fight that she saw, it was definitely unusual - but she doesn't want to offer her opinion just yet. It's better if he says his own opinions on something like this rather than having hers pushed onto him (and she certainly has them).]

...I caught him.

[That's what had caused everything - ruined everything.]

That wasn't supposed to happen. I mean, I hate him - but I'm not a murderer. He was always able to get away, but this time he messed up. I caught him and it was over. And Izaya -

[But Shizuo pulls himself back into the present and doesn't bother finishing that sentence. He doesn't want to remember the conversation that took place, the things that were said.]

We didn't kill each other.

[That lines up with what she's come to think of it all. She nods.]

You don't want to kill him, do you? But you hate him fiercely all the same.

I hate him. Just thinking about him, about the things he said - I just - I feel like I could, but I really can't. I almost want to be able to.

[A small, self-depreciating laugh.]

That's a terrible thing to admit, isn't it? That I want to kill someone. But I could have, and didn't, and he didn't kill me either, and instead we just did a lot of yelling about a lot of stupid things.

That was even worse.

I am not so sure it's a bad thing that you can't kill him, nor do I think it's strange of you to wish that you could. It would be easier, after all. Confronting someone with only words leaves vulnerabilities.

[She takes a sip to clear her throat.]

How long have you two been fighting like this?

[Killing him would have been easier. He should have just done it, when he had Izaya's throat in his hands - before all those things were said.]

Years. Since high school.

[Shizuo forgets to consider that Zelda might not know what high school is.]

[She doesn't know exactly what high school is, but she knows what years are. That's a long time to be hating someone without coming to some sort of resolution.]

May I offer you an opinion? It is a somewhat strange one, and if you would like to organize your thoughts on your own then I won't, but...

[Shizuo looks up at her, not sure what to expect by way of opinions. Maybe that it's time for him to stop getting caught up in trying to chase Izaya down - but he couldn't. Izaya had been right about that much.]

No, I've had enough time to "organize" my thoughts.

[All week, and they aren't exactly organized.]

What's your opinion?

Truthfully, I believe I saw part of that fight that you're talking about. It was just when the curse had activated itself, yes? I thought it was a little strange at the time, but both of you seemed sort of... happy. I think that's where you're experiencing a disconnect here - it isn't something that's entirely unpleasant, but based on the way that most people are raised, it should be.

[Zelda straightens up.]

Some cultures view hatred as an emotion that isn't entirely negative. It is a powerful emotion, yes, but it's one that keeps you on your toes. It forces you to constantly grow stronger. Actually killing him would be counterproductive. The loss of the person you direct all those feelings towards would not only leave a void, in some ways, it might leave you without a reason to improve yourself. Confronting that is very uncomfortable since there is not yet acceptance for it in your culture or mine, but that does not invalidate it or make it wrong.

Edited 2012-01-17 01:42 (UTC)

You kind of sound like Izaya.

[That was really unsettling. Shizuo didn't want to think about Zelda reaching similar conclusions as him.]

He talked about how we need each other, but I can't believe that. I can't. Hatred is wrong. Do you realize how dangerous it is? How if the wrong person steps into our path, they can be trampled? Hurt? Killed? Do you know how much damage we - I - cause? It is unpleasant. It's terrible. I can't do anything to stop it - [Izaya was right about that, too] but that doesn't make it okay. It isn't.

[He has the milk bottle in his hand, squeezing it with dangerous force as he talks.]

If that makes me happy - if I'm happy with being...hateful and murderous and dangerous, then there's something really wrong with me.

[But in a way, she's right - he needs that release, because otherwise all that energy just builds into something nasty. And the good fights always leave Shizuo satisfied, even when he loses. It's...terrible. Horrifying. Shizuo is sick of all the truths.]

[If she sounded like Izaya, it's because she WAS like him in some ways - she observed. She took mental notes on people. Was it a bad thing to be similar to Izaya? She reaches out to Shizuo tentatively. If he flinches away she'll take her hand back, but if he doesn't she rests it on his arm.]

It is not a bad thing. You remind me of my guardian. She is--was... so calm, usually, but her fury was a sight to behold. With emotions as strong as that, no one could defeat her. Even so, she was an incredibly kind and gentle person. Her strength was a great asset for her. She had purpose; she had something to channel all of that strength into and thus she could control it. I think that is all you lack.

[She presses her lips together, getting quieter.]

I am a little envious of you, to be able to feel so strongly.

[He doesn't pull back at first, but he does look at her hand, as though surprised - and confused. His grip on the milk bottle loosens.]

I'm not like your guardian, Zelda. I've tried to control it. I'm a bodyguard, you know. Back in Ikebukuro, I mean. I use my strength for something, to protect someone, but it doesn't help anything. I still get mad at the stupidest things and I can't help it.

[He's in his mid-twenties, now, and still so reactive.

Hearing Zelda's second statement makes him pull back, away from her touch.]

No. Don't say that. Don't envy me. You're kind and gentle and good. You don't want to be like this.

It is not the same. Did you care for that person, or was it just a job? Did you truly believe in what you were doing?

[Her face loses its expression when he calls her good. What sort of good person uses every person that ever got close to them until there's nothing left?]

I am not so good, Shizuo. Everyone has their darkness. Yours is simply easier to see.

[Did he care for Tom? That was a strange question - and belief had nothing to do with a job. So no. Maybe not. But after being kicked from job to job, it was less about a finding a purpose and more about paying the rent.]

You don't need to be perfect to be good. You care about people. You don't hurt them, not on purpose. You were even nice to that guy I hit with the park bench. The good in you is stronger than any darkness you have.

I'm glad to hear that you think the best of me, though it's a little frustrating that it seems to be difficult to convince you otherwise.

[She folds her hands in her lap, offering him a small smile.]

I think the best of you as well, so perhaps we should stop trying to convince each other of what terrible people we are. I don't want to argue with you, especially not about something as silly as that.

Me either.

[He sighs and relaxes into the chair, then takes a long sip of milk, allowing a moment of silence to stretch before them. When he talks again, his voice is lower, quiet.]

I'm going to try to stop. I tried once before, when I was younger, but I couldn't so I just gave in. Let it control me. But this time, I'm going to try harder.

[Because if he can control himself, then he won't need Izaya. He won't need someone off of whom he can bounce his rage.

He straightens, then, ready for a subject change.]

Has that not-Link guy left you alone since the park?

He has. I've seen him on the network and even in person once, but he has left me alone.

[She eats some of the dessert vigorously. Thinking about him makes her feel guilty.]

We even played some music together, though he did not know it was me. He seems... peaceful. I think some people are taking care of him. I'm relieved.

That's good. I know you were worried.

[Even better is the fact that Shizuo doesn't need to teach him another lesson, then.]

This place isn't so bad, sometimes.

[Curses, exploding fairies, and Izaya aside, of course.]

It's not. If it were a place people could come and go voluntarily, I think I would even like it. Meeting people from other worlds and learning from them has been enlightening.

[She smiles.]

Perhaps if more can be learned about how the city functions, it can become a place like that. I know many people here wish to stay.

I've definitely met some strange people.

[Strange, enlightening - all along the same lines.]

Yeah, that'd be nice. I could see it as a vacation spot, or something like that. It's pretty calm without the curses.

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