vatheon | Pigging out is DEFINITELY a healthy response

I am not so sure it's a bad thing that you can't kill him, nor do I think it's strange of you to wish that you could. It would be easier, after all. Confronting someone with only words leaves vulnerabilities.

[She takes a sip to clear her throat.]

How long have you two been fighting like this?

[Killing him would have been easier. He should have just done it, when he had Izaya's throat in his hands - before all those things were said.]

Years. Since high school.

[Shizuo forgets to consider that Zelda might not know what high school is.]

[She doesn't know exactly what high school is, but she knows what years are. That's a long time to be hating someone without coming to some sort of resolution.]

May I offer you an opinion? It is a somewhat strange one, and if you would like to organize your thoughts on your own then I won't, but...

[Shizuo looks up at her, not sure what to expect by way of opinions. Maybe that it's time for him to stop getting caught up in trying to chase Izaya down - but he couldn't. Izaya had been right about that much.]

No, I've had enough time to "organize" my thoughts.

[All week, and they aren't exactly organized.]

What's your opinion?

Truthfully, I believe I saw part of that fight that you're talking about. It was just when the curse had activated itself, yes? I thought it was a little strange at the time, but both of you seemed sort of... happy. I think that's where you're experiencing a disconnect here - it isn't something that's entirely unpleasant, but based on the way that most people are raised, it should be.

[Zelda straightens up.]

Some cultures view hatred as an emotion that isn't entirely negative. It is a powerful emotion, yes, but it's one that keeps you on your toes. It forces you to constantly grow stronger. Actually killing him would be counterproductive. The loss of the person you direct all those feelings towards would not only leave a void, in some ways, it might leave you without a reason to improve yourself. Confronting that is very uncomfortable since there is not yet acceptance for it in your culture or mine, but that does not invalidate it or make it wrong.

Edited 2012-01-17 01:42 (UTC)

You kind of sound like Izaya.

[That was really unsettling. Shizuo didn't want to think about Zelda reaching similar conclusions as him.]

He talked about how we need each other, but I can't believe that. I can't. Hatred is wrong. Do you realize how dangerous it is? How if the wrong person steps into our path, they can be trampled? Hurt? Killed? Do you know how much damage we - I - cause? It is unpleasant. It's terrible. I can't do anything to stop it - [Izaya was right about that, too] but that doesn't make it okay. It isn't.

[He has the milk bottle in his hand, squeezing it with dangerous force as he talks.]

If that makes me happy - if I'm happy with being...hateful and murderous and dangerous, then there's something really wrong with me.

[But in a way, she's right - he needs that release, because otherwise all that energy just builds into something nasty. And the good fights always leave Shizuo satisfied, even when he loses. It's...terrible. Horrifying. Shizuo is sick of all the truths.]

[If she sounded like Izaya, it's because she WAS like him in some ways - she observed. She took mental notes on people. Was it a bad thing to be similar to Izaya? She reaches out to Shizuo tentatively. If he flinches away she'll take her hand back, but if he doesn't she rests it on his arm.]

It is not a bad thing. You remind me of my guardian. She is--was... so calm, usually, but her fury was a sight to behold. With emotions as strong as that, no one could defeat her. Even so, she was an incredibly kind and gentle person. Her strength was a great asset for her. She had purpose; she had something to channel all of that strength into and thus she could control it. I think that is all you lack.

[She presses her lips together, getting quieter.]

I am a little envious of you, to be able to feel so strongly.

[He doesn't pull back at first, but he does look at her hand, as though surprised - and confused. His grip on the milk bottle loosens.]

I'm not like your guardian, Zelda. I've tried to control it. I'm a bodyguard, you know. Back in Ikebukuro, I mean. I use my strength for something, to protect someone, but it doesn't help anything. I still get mad at the stupidest things and I can't help it.

[He's in his mid-twenties, now, and still so reactive.

Hearing Zelda's second statement makes him pull back, away from her touch.]

No. Don't say that. Don't envy me. You're kind and gentle and good. You don't want to be like this.

It is not the same. Did you care for that person, or was it just a job? Did you truly believe in what you were doing?

[Her face loses its expression when he calls her good. What sort of good person uses every person that ever got close to them until there's nothing left?]

I am not so good, Shizuo. Everyone has their darkness. Yours is simply easier to see.

[Did he care for Tom? That was a strange question - and belief had nothing to do with a job. So no. Maybe not. But after being kicked from job to job, it was less about a finding a purpose and more about paying the rent.]

You don't need to be perfect to be good. You care about people. You don't hurt them, not on purpose. You were even nice to that guy I hit with the park bench. The good in you is stronger than any darkness you have.

I'm glad to hear that you think the best of me, though it's a little frustrating that it seems to be difficult to convince you otherwise.

[She folds her hands in her lap, offering him a small smile.]

I think the best of you as well, so perhaps we should stop trying to convince each other of what terrible people we are. I don't want to argue with you, especially not about something as silly as that.

Me either.

[He sighs and relaxes into the chair, then takes a long sip of milk, allowing a moment of silence to stretch before them. When he talks again, his voice is lower, quiet.]

I'm going to try to stop. I tried once before, when I was younger, but I couldn't so I just gave in. Let it control me. But this time, I'm going to try harder.

[Because if he can control himself, then he won't need Izaya. He won't need someone off of whom he can bounce his rage.

He straightens, then, ready for a subject change.]

Has that not-Link guy left you alone since the park?

He has. I've seen him on the network and even in person once, but he has left me alone.

[She eats some of the dessert vigorously. Thinking about him makes her feel guilty.]

We even played some music together, though he did not know it was me. He seems... peaceful. I think some people are taking care of him. I'm relieved.

That's good. I know you were worried.

[Even better is the fact that Shizuo doesn't need to teach him another lesson, then.]

This place isn't so bad, sometimes.

[Curses, exploding fairies, and Izaya aside, of course.]

It's not. If it were a place people could come and go voluntarily, I think I would even like it. Meeting people from other worlds and learning from them has been enlightening.

[She smiles.]

Perhaps if more can be learned about how the city functions, it can become a place like that. I know many people here wish to stay.

I've definitely met some strange people.

[Strange, enlightening - all along the same lines.]

Yeah, that'd be nice. I could see it as a vacation spot, or something like that. It's pretty calm without the curses.

[Oh don't even get her STARTED on the curses.]

That is most certainly something that would need to be addressed. In fact, as soon as I can determine if we are still being watched closely or not, I plan to do a little research.

[That reminds him of an earlier conversation they had, where Shizuo had resolved to help Zelda out however he could.]

How? What will you do?

[Zelda pricks her ears up. It wouldn't be good if she was overheard, but telling Shizuo to talk to her about this privately would be counterproductive. Well then.]

I don't... I don't know. But something must be done...! I...

[Zelda looks absolutely dejected. She leans forward suddenly and hugs Shizuo, speaking quietly into his ear. Hopefully he won't be too startled to listen.]

There must be some evidence as to why the fairies exploded. I am going to look around the city and see if any remains. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to uncover something about those that pulled us here.

[Shizuo is surprised by the sudden contact, but he knows better than to make a big deal about it when they are trying to have a serious conversation, and focuses on listening instead of the unexpected hug. He nods to show her that he's heard what she has said, and when he talks back, he makes an effort to be equally as discrete. Subtly has never been his strong suit, but he tries.]

That doesn't sound like the safest idea. [Surely snooping around won't bode well with the island and its natives.] Just...be careful.

[And maybe he can help.]

I'll look around a little, too. Just to see.

[Zelda pulls away and gives him a small smile.]

Thank you.

[She rubs at her face. It had been disturbingly easy for her to look upset, and now she couldn't shake the feeling entirely. She looks down at the cakes again, selecting another and eating it slowly.]

I wonder if I should bring some of these back to Zelos?

[Shizuo toys with his own cake, now lost in thought about the fairies and Zelda's research. He looks up blankly when she mentions bringing the cakes back.]

Who's Zelos?

[Oh. That... hadn't been on purpose. Mentioning that she was staying unchaperoned with a man like Zelos wasn't on her list of priorities. She's already said it now, so she might as well explain. Besides, Shizuo would notice if he ever visits.]

He is, ah... my housemate. He doesn't do anything inappropriate or anything like that! It is still strange to stay with a man alone, though.

[Shizuo blinks at her in mind surprise. He wouldn't have guessed that she lived with a man. It is strange, even if the guy minds his place.]

Huh. That's...a little strange. I wouldn't have guessed that.

[It bothers him a little, just because he doesn't have the most faith in males in general - in his experience, most were scum, especially the kinds of men he encountered while working - but at the same time, it's Zelda's business, not his. So he gives her an off-handed shrug.]

As long as he doesn't cause you any trouble.

[She looks mildly irritated remembering the way Zelos weaseled his way in.]

It isn't something I make a habit of. It was only going to be temporary, but with the recent curse... we both said far too much to separate now.

[Zelda sighs, poking at her cake.]

I should ask around and see if someone else wants to move in as well, though. I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

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