vatheon | (no subject)

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Who: Zelos and whoever finds him
Where: On the island at the beach, waaaaaay far down the beach, trying to avoid sharing his thoughts
When: All day and well into the evening
Style: Any is fine
Status: Open!

[This month was already shaping up to be Zelos's worst yet here in Vatheon. Not only had that illness curse knocked him out for way too long, his own stupidity had lead to not only him making an idiot of himself - that he could handle and often did on purpose - but brought to light some things he was not prepared to deal with, so when this curse displayed every single morbid thought or memory that crossed his mind, he decided to do just as his roommate had done and get the hell out of dodge.

Unfortunately, Vatheon is a small enough bubble that the Chosen had a hard time actually getting away from people. The furthest cranny he could find, and thus where he'd rooted himself, was the beach up on the island and so the day finds him pacing the beach, having discarded his shoes in favor of walking barefoot on the sand and idly picking up shells, trying to clear his mind of anything in particular. He's managed to keep his thoughts on the sand and the surf so far, with the occasional thought of Altamira's warm sun or brilliant fireworks.

We'll see how long that'll last.]

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[I've never trusted anyone, but I trust you. The words echo as if from a loudspeaker and it takes a harried moment before Zelos looks up and realizes it came from the bubble and he hadn't cracked and said it aloud.

He turns red, damning the whole of Vatheon right to Hell, down to the last cobblestone.]

[Lloyd blinks at Zelos in surprise. It's not the confirmation that Zelos does trust him, but the fact that Zelos hasn't trusted anyone else before. A small, tentative smile touches the corners of his mouth. That... that really means something, then. The fact that Zelos trusts him.]

Come on, then. Let's sit down.

[He takes Zelos's hand in his thoughts so that he can stand solidly at his side. Zelos can't fall so long as he's holding him up.

Without waiting for a response, the redclad teen plunks himself onto the sand. For serious conversations like this, it's better to be comfortable, and it never hurts to be closer to things you can fidget with in your hands. Grass, rock, sand, shells - it doesn't really matter what, just that you have something to do while you try to work with your thoughts.]

So...? Where do you want to start?

[Where to start.

It's a simple enough question but there're just so many things. He has to run down the list mentally as he plunks down in the sand next to Lloyd. He can't tell him about Tsubaki. That would be a breech of confidence and reveal more about himself and just how much he hides than Zelos is comfortable with. Zelda can't be shared either; it's tied too much up in sex and everything horrible he wants Lloyd never to have to learn. His mother... no. It's something he'd told Lloyd about already and reliving that conversation is simply too much, especially given the timing of when he'd told him originally, right before...

Did that really still weigh on him? He'd betrayed them to Cruxis, he would have made them kill him if Lloyd hadn't spoken with him in Flanoir and changed his mind about taking the easier path. Something about Lloyd not knowing that, not having forgiven him, it bothers him. He knows it hasn't happened yet for Lloyd, he still has many things to overcome when Vatheon finally decides to spit him back out, but maybe he should bring it up. And who knows, maybe Lloyd won't forgive him, this time. Maybe he'll spare Zelos the trouble of wondering when he'll leave too, save him from progressively pushing the kid away for his own good and let it happen all at once.

It's better that way, anyway.

His tone is even, sounding uncaring, when he speaks again.]

Y'know, when you go back, you shouldn't trust me. I'm just leading you all into trap after trap for Cruxis.

[Whatever Lloyd had been expecting him to say, that wasn't it at all. Nothing of what he'd seen in Zelos's thoughts had seemed connected to Lloyd or any of their friends back home. It leaves him unprepared to let that sink in, to just believe it at face value. He stares at his friend, somewhat nonplussed.]

What?

[He hesitates. Surely Zelos didn't mean it like that. He was misinterpreting, right? He tries to smile.]

You mean you didn't spot the traps when you were leading us somewhere? Don't worry about it, Zelos. We've been running into Cruxis's traps since before we even met you. If I got mad at you for that, I'd have to get mad at myself, too.

N-no, Lloyd, just... Just listen, okay?

[He takes a deep breath and let's it out slowly.]

I was working for Cruxis and the Renegades practically the whole time. I told Pronyma when you'd be in the Fooji Mountains, and I was Yuan's contact, too. I just wanted everything to be destroyed. It would be easier, but I kept playing both sides anyway. You convinced me otherwise, in the end, but...

[He keeps looking out at the ocean, idly picking up a handful of sand and letting it pour through his fingers without looking. His bubble fills again with snow, but this time it's a courtyard in Flanoir, Lloyd and Zelos talking though the words are inaudible.]

That's why I'm dangerous, and why I'm a burden on you and everyone else.

Edited 2012-03-16 05:01 (UTC)

[The expression on Lloyd's face falls away as he listens, and somehow everything in his thoughts disappears. There's nothing there. Nothing but a shocked stillness as he stares. He searches Zelos's face, hoping for some hint that this isn't what it is, that it's just a joke, Zelos pulling his leg, trying to distract him from what's really bugging him.

But it isn't. Even without Zelos's thoughts confirming it, his expression, the way he's acting, everything is too real. But... what that meant...

You betrayed me?

The single thought echoes softly, filled with hurt and disbelief. Lloyd winces, his eyes dropping to the sand. Dammit, he hadn't meant for Zelos to hear that.

For a long time, he's quiet. His thoughts are filled with something, but they're murky and hard to see. Images of Zelos, the trap on the Fooji Mountains, the Gaoracchia forest, a campfire, the king in Meltokio. Sheena hitting the redhead when he offended her. That thought is particularly clear, but it doesn't last for long.

Finally, Lloyd speaks, but he doesn't look at his friend. He doesn't even look at the other's thought bubble. He doesn't want to see.]

So all this time you were with us... Didn't it mean anything? You were still our friend... weren't you?

[Because even with Zelos saying it himself, he doesn't want to believe. He doesn't want to let go of that thin thread of faith.]

[That face.

He's hurt people before, on purpose even, and he's always cared but he's never not been able to go through with what he felt he had to do, but here in Vatheon, twice in one week he's backed down and even Tsubaki didn't make his stomach sink so badly as Lloyd's face in that moment.]

No, Lloyd, I didn't betray you, exactly! I just.. I was with the other factions from the start, but after traveling with you and all the things we went through, I...

[He slumps his shoulders, digging his fingers in his hair as his thought bubble plays a constant stream of that same conversation in the snows of Flanoir.]

I couldn't do it. You trusted me. I couldn't keep it up because you trusted me and you really thought I was your friend and I sort of realized I...

[He can't say it. If he says it, right to Lloyd's face and he still didn't accept it and walked away, said they were enemies, he knows he'd rather just drop dead right there.

But his bubble has other ideas.

You were my first friend. You were the first person to believe the best of me no matter what. I couldn't let you down.]

[There's stillness in Lloyd's thoughts again - he doesn't know what to think. From the beginning Zelos had made it clear that he was working his own agenda, not necessarily helping them for their reasons, but helping them anyway. Lloyd had thought that had changed as they'd gotten to know each other. He'd even found himself enjoying the Tethe'allan Chosen's company. It was kind of fun being around a guy closer to his own age. Genis would always be one of his two best childhood friends, but no matter how mature and intelligent he could be, he was still twelve. It just... It just wasn't quite the same.

And then Zelos had agreed to help them get Colette home, even though it landed him in trouble. Sure, he justified it by saying it was for Colette, but Colette had been soulless the whole time Zelos had known them. Would he really risk his neck for someone he didn't even really know? Lloyd would have, but not everyone was like him. No, he'd thought...

Maybe Zelos had done it because they'd won him over to their side.

But now...

He closes his eyes, pressing the heels of his hands to the sides of his head as though trying to stave off pain. His thoughts form an image of two boys horsing around before going still again. He's trying so hard not to think. It's too much, too painful, to think about what this means, to try to figure out if Zelos is even his friend-

The half-thought cuts off almost violently right there, so violently that his empty thought bubble shivers. Lloyd opens his eyes, something dark and thunderous in his expression - and abruptly he reaches out to whack Zelos up the backside of his head.]

You jerk.

[It's what he should have expected, right? What he deserved? Zelos doesn't even bother to sit back up, instead letting his head hang forward after Lloyd struck him with his long hair curtaining his features.

He'd thought all along Lloyd should hate him, even after he yelled after him that he trusted him, after showing up with the Aionis and being forgiven, just like that. He'd been too scared to tell him the whole truth, he'd just said he'd changed his mind, that he was sorry, and left it at that, and Lloyd had never asked. He'd taken it at face value, and now, after everything, after getting away with it scot-free, he had to turn around and spread it all out to make sure Lloyd hated him.

His bubble goes very dark, showing Zelos sinking in a circle of darkness much like the ones in Welgaia, not even fighting to save himself.

It's only what he deserves.]

[Lloyd isn't even paying attention. He's too furious about what he just realized - furious at Zelos, furious at himself. He grabs the older man by the shoulder, trying to jerk him upright, to force him to meet his eyes.]

Stop that. Just... stop it, Zelos. I can tell what you're doing, and it's not going to work.

[The key was what he'd said right from the start, that he was dangerous, a burden.

He's trying to make me abandon him. To protect me.

If he'd needed any proof that Zelos really was his friend, that was it right there - and it made him want to hit him again. Maybe a second time would make it sink in!]

You can't protect me by sacrificing yourself! I won't let you! Even if you lied to me, even if you worked for Cruxis and did things you shouldn't do, you can't ask me to give up my friendship with you just so I won't get hurt! That's not the way friendship works!

Edited 2012-03-17 03:59 (UTC)

Then maybe we aren't friends!

[The words escape him before he can stop, anger blooming in his chest but not enough that he rises; he remains seated, hands digging in and angrily grabbing at the surface of the beach.]

I hurt you, I hurt Colette, on purpose! How does that make me a friend to you at all?! Why don't you ever get it that some people just want to hurt you?! And you let them, over and over! How do you not realize this yet?!

[Zelos thumps his hands down, sending up a spray of sand in his frustration, angry tears beginning to form but he pays them no heed.]

Why the hell do you have to make everything so damn difficult?!

[Yeah, no. He was already angry at himself for falling for that once, for letting himself think for even a moment that Zelos really means what he's saying. Maybe some of it really is true - working for Cruxis, getting them hurt - but the rest is a blatant lie.]

That's not true! It makes you an idiot if you got us hurt! It doesn't mean you're not my friend! I won't believe you really want to hurt us on purpose! Not after all the stuff you just said!

[His hand still on the other's shoulder, he grips a little more tightly. If he can somehow physically communicate how much he really means this, maybe Zelos will finally get it. Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to stop shouting. His voice still shakes with barely reigned emotion, though - anger and fervent determination.

Dammit, Zelos, you're not going to get rid of me that easily!

This time he doesn't care when his thoughts make themselves heard.]

You said you didn't betray me. You said I helped you change your mind about wanting to destroy everything. And I'm sorry, I can't help what I heard in your thoughts, but I heard you call me your friend. I heard you say you trusted me. I know there's people out there who only want to hurt me, but I don't think that you're one of them. Maybe you think you are, maybe you were before, but people can change, Zelos. And if you change, if you make up for it, you can be forgiven for the stupid mistakes you made. So I don't care if you made a mistake and got me hurt. You are still my friend.

[Lloyd's words, and the harshness with which they're delivered, give Zelos pause. He looks up at Lloyd soundlessly, fingers still curled around handfuls of sand that he's gripping so tightly it's a wonder it doesn't turn to glass. He can't do it. Lloyd won't be pushed away, won't condemn him, even though Zelos is completely convinced he deserves it in every manner possible.

Lloyd wants him in his life, no matter what, and the realization hits him like a truck, struck speechless and numb, not even moving to wipe the few errant tears off his face as he stares dumbly up at the brunette, mouth slightly open in amazement.

I don't want to get rid of you, you'd just be better off.

And he would be, without all this emotional baggage in the form of Tethe'alla's Chosen, without the things he knows he'll do in Lloyd's future, despite the events already having passed for himself, without him here in Vatheon even, always hiding and careful and never able to look Lloyd in the eye because he shines so much brighter than Zelos can stand.

Lloyd really is amazing, and Zelos's shoulders sag with the weight of his words and he relents. Better off or not, when Lloyd gets it into his head to befriend someone, they're going to be his friend whether they want it or not.

And really, Zelos wants to, more than anything. He just doesn't want to hurt him and he's certain he will. He knows he will in Lloyd's future. Even so, his words come out in a tired, defeated, and almost affectionate tone.]

You're such an idiot.

[The words may have been an insult, but Lloyd knows them for what they are. A genuine smile softens his face, and his grip on Zelos's shoulder relaxes. Giving a playful shove, he sits back.]

Well, if I am, it's only what you deserve.

[I'm not better off without you, you jerk. I like things the way they are.

And he does. He really does. Yeah, sure, Zelos was weird and could get on Lloyd's nerves sometime, but he could be fun in his own way, too, and regardless of what his motives had been, he had helped them all out. Lloyd could even probably say he owed Zelos his life. Some of the battles they'd gotten into had been really close shaves. Without the other swordsman's blade and spells...

Well. It was just one more reason he was glad to have Zelos at his side.]

So... No lesson today, then, huh? What do you want to do?

[He knows Lloyd is trying to let it go, maybe even for his sake, but Zelos can't recover quite so quickly from an outpouring like that, at least not right now. Everything in Vatheon had been so hard and here's Lloyd, someone he'd just tried to tell off and push away and make hate him, and he's still here asking what they should do for the day.

Zelos simply leans forward, resting his head against his friend's shoulder, not quite on it but his forehead pressed lightly against the brunette's red coat and the Chosen's hair covering his expression. He just needs a minute here to compose himself. That was pretty embarrassing, after all, as are all the thoughts and feelings running through him, one's he'd forgotten his bubble was displaying for all the world to see.

Every little moment, every bit of kindness Lloyd's ever showed him, flickers past like a home movie. He hasn't forgotten any of it, not one second. That, if anything, should show Lloyd how important he is to the Chosen, if there is any doubt still lingering. Someone who does't want anything from him but just to be, to exist. Lloyd's words from Welgaia come back to him, played like a recording through his bubble.

They're both valuable because they're my friends!

He'd called it pathetic. He still would, if asked, but... it's the opposite. To have value simply because someone cares about you that much.. there's nothing paltry about it at all.

Zelos takes a deep breath and sits up again, letting the sand he'd been clutching slip away through his fingers and folding his arms over his chest loosely and putting that same, ever present smile on as if nothing had happened.]

I dunno. It's a nice day, maybe we should just go swimming or build a sand castle or something.

[It's strange to see himself in Zelos's thoughts like that, seeing himself do things that he doesn't remember ever happening. Even though he tried to take his friends for their word, part of him still had a hard time grasping that they really were from the future. Seeing it, though... It's a little surreal, but at the same time, it feels a bit more solid. It's not just words and imagination anymore, it's something he can almost touch.

He doesn't comment when the redhead rests his forehead against him. It's weird and awkward, especially from Zelos, who's always made such a big deal about playing it cool and not liking guys-

-but Lloyd understands. What happened isn't something to just brush off. It doesn't take a genius to see that his friend had been hurting, that he needs a chance to recover. And maybe he needs physical contact to help reassure him that Lloyd is there, that he's not leaving, not going to abandon him, just a solid presence that he can lean against.

He can do that. If this is what Zelos needs, he can be here. So he sits and watches, idly curious but not going to pry, content to be silent until Zelos is ready to move on. When Zelos sits up, he smiles nonchalantly and leans back. Happened? What happened? Hey, he can play casual, too.]

I don't have any swim trunks yet. Think I could get away with swimming in my boxers?

Sure, why not? It's warm enough we'll dry off right away anyway.

[Zelos pushes himself to his feet and unceremoniously divulges himself of his clothes, right down to the black briefs and nothing else. The sun is warm on his skin, the breeze soft, and the waves make a pleasant sound on the shore, all reflected in Zelos's thought bubble.

There are still things he needs to work through, problems to solve and challenges to face, but for now he can just be comforted by a day out with his best - and first - friend.]

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Short tag is short, but fff