vatheon | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Who: Equius Zahhak and whoever
Where: various places around the bubble
When: evening/night
Style: I'll follow
Status: open

He had been STRONG enough to fend it off for a long time, his instinctual use of the Void protecting him, or maybe the chucklevoodoo that still lurked weakly in his head offering some form of resistance. But he hadn't been able to hide from it forever, and when his blue fairy had melted for the last time, it had seeped onto his clothing and hands and face, changing color and becoming... bloody. Equius had looked down and seen bright, garish splashes of blood all over his shirt and hands, olive and indigo and bright mutant red and even traces of deep, fatherly blue, all blending and washing together.

He would hurt them, he'd hurt all of them, possibly even kill them, because he couldn't control himself, he was too STRONG, a freak, a monster... and so he'd fled, not telling anyone where he was going and not answering his SFC, retreating into his own private hell and wandering the bubble aimlessly.

No matter how hard he tried, the blood stains wouldn't come off.

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That comes with another little shake of the head, and Gamzee runs his claws through Equius' hair again. "Don't be. He spooks the fuckin' shit outta me too."

Edited 2012-11-03 15:05 (UTC)

This time, very hesitantly, Equius leans into Gamzee's hand for a moment before pulling away.

"My fairy... my fairy melted. It turned into... this." He gestures at his shirt. "And then... all I could think about was... was..." He buries his head in his crossed arms.

"Hurting peeps?" He knows Equius well enough to know his fears at least. How could he not when Equius' fear of touching him is such a dominant part of their lives. They hadn't been together for over a year for nothing.

Equius glances up at that, deeply and absurdly grateful that Gamzee gets it, that he doesn't have to explain, and nods. Then he touches his shirt front, and holds out a hand, looking at the blood smeared across it.

"It's all I could... all I could think about. Hurting you... Nepeta... even Darkleer." He thought about hurting Karkat too, who is probably in the most danger from his chaotic strength, but doesn't mention him.

"Yeah, I get it." His own fear is more in the range of losing control and killing again, but it comes down to the same thing, right? Being a highblood is hard. It is hard and nobody understands.

"Scared to your nook of going wild again." He toys idly with his hair. "Like me."

Equius nods. Not so much going wild, because that's what his killbots are for, but of making a mistake and thinking he has more control than he really does, of slipping...

Being a highblood sucks.

"I'm... I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but... what if it's not enough? What if it's never enough?"

It really, really does.

"Hey, don't up and think like that, aight? You already got way better at alla that shit. And Darkleer up and fuckin' learned to. Ain't to be seeing no fuckin' reason as to why you wouldn't be able to."

"Darkleer had forever." Or practically forever. A highblood lifespan seems like forever when you're only six or seven sweeps old.

"I... I'm sorry." Equius rests his forehead on his knees, and now he seems more tired than afraid. "I'm sorry you have a matesprit who can't touch you. Who might not ever be able to touch you."

"He ain't had any motherfucker helping him though. You two up and practise all the fuckin' time together."

He strokes a hand down his hair. "Hey, don't all be like that. We touch."

And it still never seems like enough. If only some brilliant and enterprising young individual had ever made destrengthening gloves or something of that nature. Equius would be greatly interested in such a thing.

"Not the way you want to touch, though," he insists stubbornly. Being a jerk is easier than being scared.

If only such an enterprising youth would've existed anywhere in paradox space, but surely not.

"Babe, don't be like that. I'm happy with what we've got."

Equius doesn't bother to argue that, even though he knows Gamzee is just telling him what he wants to hear. He glances at Gamzee's spectre again, but at least the ghost is being quiet.

"I'm trying," he repeats. He knows he's being weird and awkward, but it's very important that Gamzee knows this. If he knows it, he might be able to stop being so afraid.

"I know you are." Man, this is kind of awkward to discuss while they are at such different levels.

"Wait. Hold it the fuck up, aight? Time for a fuckin' floor visitation." And with that, he lets himself slide off the bench, winnowing his way in between the seat of the bench and Equius. It is kind of a squeeze, and he needs to bend his back awkwardly to keep the wood from digging into his spine, but at least he can look Equius in the eye now.

"Hey."

Equius rapidly shifts away when Gamzee slides down, giving him room so he doesn't squash him against the bench, but he doesn't completely retreat, either. He keeps his hands to himself, and his muscles are more tense and rigid than they've been in awhile when Gamzee gets close, but he stays. At least, he stays.

"Hey."

Gamzee reaches out, laying one hand against Equius' arm, feeling the tense set of his muscles under his skin, and he gives his arm a soft, comforting rub. "Shit, babe, you're wound way too motherfuckin' tight here. Gonna hurt yourself like that."

"I'd rather hurt myself than hurt you." As usual, though, Gamzee's gentle, unafraid touching soothes him, and some of the tension melts out of his muscles. He hasn't noticed, but the blood stains are starting to disappear from his shirt. It's almost like admitting his fears have made them fade away.

"I know." When he notices Equius slowly relaxing a little, he continues to rub, bringing up his other hand to mirror the action on his other arm as well. "I know. But I ain't feelin' like either of us motherfuckers gotta be getting hurt here."

"You should be more careful," Equius chides gently, relaxing further into Gamzee's rubbing hands, although his own hands are still gripping his elbows. "You shouldn't sneak up on me for ninja hugs."

"Babe, I know like you like to play like you be really fuckin' surprised when I up and do that shit, but they be hardly any hugs worthy of a true ninja when I fuckin' trip over my hooves half the time." He continues to rub his arms, utterly unafraid of Equius.

All hugs are like ninja hugs to Equius; it wasn't until pretty recently that anyone wanted to hug him, let alone tried to sneak up on him to do it.

"Do you remember when I first got here?" he asks abruptly, after a short pause.

"Remember you never fuckin' used to crack a smile back then." Okay, Equius still isn't the most smiley person around, but he has gotten better at that for sure.

He shakes his head. "No. But I meant when I very first arrived." He hugs himself again. "You brought me a towel."

"Haha, did I? Fuck, I can't all get my memory as straight on as that anymore, but if you up and say so, I believe you." He smiles, and gives him a little apologetic shrug. Equius should know his memory isn't the best.

Equius didn't really expect him to remember. The whole thing was probably very inconsequential to Gamzee, but it meant the world to him.

He nods. "You brought me a towel, and you put your arm around my shoulders." He looks up then, his expression focused and serious. "You weren't afraid of touching me. Even then."

"Yeah, well, I figured I hadn't ever all laid gander on your hurting nobody, you get? Even if you get all harsh on yourself at it, you ain't ever fuckin' done that. So I fuckin' figured it'd be chill."