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Who: Dirk Strider, Jade Harley, John Egbert, Rose Lalonde, Roxy Lalonde.
When: Backdated to forever ago (10/22) Afternoon to whenever they decide to be done with one another?
Where: Dirk and Roxy's house
Status: Closed

It had been a little longer than she'd wanted, but with the hustle and bustle of finding work, her plans simply hadn't worked out. Such was the way of life though, right?

Especially in the bubble. Things rarely worked out in the bubble from her experience.

It took a little detective work to find where her ectobiological teen parents lived (meaning texting Dirk and asking), but once she did she gathered John and Jade and dragged them along.

"Trust me guys. You'll want to be here for this." That was the only explanation given. Sorry guys, Rose feels like being cryptic.

It also wasn't until she was knocking on their door that she told the Prospit twins who they were meeting, linking arms with the two on either side of her with a pleasant smile.

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Considering the text he'd gotten from Rose, it wasn't that hard to guess that there would be a house visit happening soon. When he heard the knock, it only took Dirk a moment to flashstep down to the door and open it.

"Hey," he said as he opened the door, and stuck his hands in his pockets. "You ready to do this?"

He didn't wait for an answer before he stepped back, gesturing for the three of them to enter the house and follow him to the living room. It's not neat- clearly the residents didn't feel the need to do any cleaning before they had guests- but it's not overwhelmingly dirty. There were maybe a few empty bottles here, a shuriken in the wall there, a peek of an impudently jutting rump from the stairwell... Dirk ignores most of it on the way to the living room.

"Feel free to grab something from the kitchen. This might take a while," he told the three of them. "Just remember that Roxy lives here, and therefore about fifty-five percent of the drinks are alcoholic."

Edited 2012-10-30 22:35 (UTC)

Taking a trip to the Heartvoid abode surely wasn't a thing she was expecting today, but with Rose being her cryptic Seer self it had to be important.

Jade looks around at their environment for a moment, ears swiveling as she goes to catch any sounds, then at her comrades.

"I think I will pass on any drinks, thanks."

Oh riiiight, they were going to talk about weird alternate universe stuff, weren't they? Well that explains why they're here at least. Having lived with Rose for over half a year at this point, John isn't surprised by the slightly disorganized state of the place. Hey, at least she comes by it honestly! And thank god she just leaves knitted stuff everywhere instead of needles in the wall or something.

Oh wait, Dirk's talking to them isn't he? Time to stop spacing and start paying attention.

"I'm good. Thanks though!"

Wow there was a lot of noise going on out in the living room. What the hell was this, a party? You're all interrupting her midday nap. Rude.

So there's Roxy. She wanders out of her room, clad in nothing more than a t-shirt and her underwear of the day, and she stretches as she makes her way into the living room with a yawn. "Dirk, s'there someone at the do--"

Oh. They have company apparently.

That's cool.

"Guess so. 'm gonna grab somethin' to drink if this talkin' nonsense is gonna be goin' down." And off to the kitchen she goes.

Wow that sure is her teen mother in her underwear. At first she was also going to pass on the drink, but she's thinking perhaps it might be a good idea. Something to occupy herself with when she conveniently has comments that she'd like to keep to herself.

"I believe I will follow mom. I'll be just a moment." Don't mind her sneaking into the kitchen after you Roxy doop doop.

Oh. Welp.

"Ooookaaaay...so. Who wanted to start us off on this wibbly wobbly dimensional shenanigans thing first?"

And finally, wow, that sure is Dirk facepalming a little right there. As she goes off into the kitchen, he raises his voice. "RL, a suggestion; get some fucking pants to go with your fashionable ensemble today. We'll be in the living room."

And with that said, he turns and continues through to the living room itself. Time to claim a chair for story time.

Don't look at Rose's teen mom's butt don't look at Rose's teen mom's butt don't look at R-- too late, totally looked at the butt. Just a glance though, I mean it was right there, how could he not?! Okay, time to stop thinking about Lalonde ass and how choice it is and follow Dirk into the living room so they can get this show on the road.

John hereby claims this couch in the name of Team Betaverse!

It really is a choice ass isn't it?

Whatever.

"You're a god damn spoilsport, DStride!"

Whatever. Roxy's going to pour herself an awesome drink and it's gonna be baller and everyone's gonna be mad jelly and-- oh hey mom. "Glasses'r up in that cabinet over there. Help yourself to whatever ya want. I'm gonna go put pants on before I insult Dirky's precious senses."

Jerk.

"Thank you." Rose has to momentarily wonder if her mother at an age around her own will be a worse influence on her than what she remembers as she fetches one of said glasses, but pushes the question out of her head. For now it's time to play drink roulette.

Which one of these fine drinks are alcohol free hmmmm hmmmmmmm.

Word of advice: The unopened orange sodas are the ones that don't have any alcohol. The ones with the seals broken have been compromised and should be considered unsafe.

"Excuse me for being the voice of modesty. My status as universal wet blanket has been verified." Dirk doesn't bother going toward the kitchen to continue the conversation. Nothing wrong with shouting it across the house!

Then he turns to John and Jade. "Unless there's something you think Rox and I need to know straight off the bat, I was planning on beginning things."

"Uhhh...nothing that I can think of, no." He scratches his chin a little, biting his lip more than usual as he gives the matter more thought. "Nope. Honestly I am not even sure how much I will have to add to this. I have basically no idea what's going on other than we are on our way to your guys' session. Err...you know, if we were all home instead of here, obviously."

He's just kind of along for the ride.

"I cannot think of anything I haven't already said to you, either."

And her memory has gotten a lot more awesome since the ascent to god tier, so that's saying something.

It's a little bit until Roxy's back out with the crowd, but when she returns, she has a skirt on all proper-like. She sticks her tongue out at Dirk before flopping down next to him, sipping on the drink still in her hand.

Did it ever even leave her hand? Who knows. Maybe she's just that good at getting dressed.

"If DS is startin' then someone wake me up when he's done or my opinions needed on somethin' 'cause seriously."

Dude, you like to talk.

She'll just go with one of those unopened orange sodas for now then, pouring herself a glass before joining the rest. Sitting down wherever there's a free space, she sips at it - much like her mother, surprise surprise - and nods to Dirk.

"Alright then. I believe I'm ready."

"Thanks for your support, RL. Really, I'm touched."

Snarking aside, he leans forward, elbows propped up on his knees. Time to tell this shit.

"Right. So, first things first, time for a bit of context. Rox and I are from four hundred years in the future. We lived in a time very different from the one your alternate selves did, so a lot of the information I'm working off of here is historical documentation of various forms. There are lots of rumors.

Anyway. More than four hundred years ago- no one is exactly sure when- an alien came to earth. That alien was the Condesce, and she was there to fuck everything humanity ever loved and its mother. She moved slowly at first, established a company with which to spread propaganda, formed a network to gain agents and minions. Then, on November 11th, 2011, She finally announced her presence, and revealed herself to humanity as their conqueror. Everything went to shit after that. She created a farce of a puppet government in the United States, one that led to mass mayhem and mass murder. She tried to recreate her species, but that didn't work, thanks to her horrorsquid of a pet. So instead, she tried to force troll culture on humans, in ways that killed them off until four hundred years later, Roxy and I were the only ones left alive.

Narrative causality being what it is, the four of you, when you were alive, were completely involved in the shit that was going down with the Condesce."

Dirk stops for a moment. "Okay. Before we get any deeper into this shit, questions?"

It's probably safe to assume that John has no questions at the moment. He's just kind of trying to process all that, mouth hanging slightly open.

"Holy shit."

That's really all there is to say on the matter.

"...What he meant to say was no, I do believe he doesn't have any questions on the matter. And neither do I."

No surprises that a troll came to Earth to screw everything over, but...it was quite scary.

Roxy's face darkens the further Dirk goes on, and halfway through his explanation she has to get up and go into the kitchen for a refill on her drink, which she knocks back before filling it up again and returning to her seat. It's not something she really wants to listen to, and hearing it is just making her relive everything.

So when she sits back down she immediately leans up against him, a reminder that he's here and real and so is she and they're not at "home". "Stupid fuckin' Batterwitch. Wish I could punch her in the throat."

Mutter grumble mutter.

Rose remains relatively quiet while Dirk talks, watching Roxy as she leaves to get another drink and sipping at her own. Originally she had no questions, but then Batterwitch was mentioned.

"Batterwitch as in...Betty Crocker by chance?"

Dirk doesn't hesitate to continue when Roxy steps out for another drink. This background is for their dancestors, after all, not for her. She knows this, and she's lived it, and she's not morbidly fascinated by it the way Dirk is. For that reason, he makes space when she squeezes in at his side, and even wraps an arm around her. "I wish you would shoot her in the throat. Seems more effective."

At Rose's question, he nods. "Got it in one. The company she used to spread her message before the rebranding and her big reveal was Betty Crocker. Our friend Jane is the heir to the company. We tried to convince her, but she's a skeptic through and through, not to mention using Crocker products all her life had left her a bit brainwashed. She didn't believe us until there were several assassination attempts on her at the Batterwitch's hands, and by then it was too late. We were already entering the game, and the Condesce was already taking over, in their time."

He gestures toward Jade and John. "Several decades before her big reveal, the Condesce adopted two children and began to raise them. Who knows what the hell she was thinking. Maybe she was using them as a cover, to perpetuate the image of Betty Crocker as a legitimate company. Anyway, those two children were the alternate versions of the two of you."

"She must have been a pretty crappy mother, because Alt-Jade ran away, and took the family name of English, who was rumored to be the Condesce's ex-husband and someone she hated. She also created a company that sold goods in competition with Crocker co's stranglehold on the market. The other kid never ran away, despite the trauma it must have been living with an alien fish-bitch. He must have gotten over it somehow, though, because he went on to become a famous comedian. He also didn't change his name. Jane has his stuffed body preserved in her living room, actually."

John had been holding his tongue ever since Rose had asked his question for him. This turned out to be a pretty bad idea, since it meant that his mind wasn't fully processing Dirk's answer beyond 'got it in one.' As such, he launches into his own round of gloating before everything about his alternate self has a chance to sink in.

"See?! I fucking told you guys the Batterwitch w-- wait hold the phone," He turns his attention away from Rose and Jade and back to Dirk. "I must have too much earwax buildup or something because there's no way you just said that Alt-Jade and Alt-me were not only raised by the Batterwitch," the word is said almost too venomously for a guy who had no idea that she took over the world until about a minute ago, "but that Alt-John was apparently completely fucking okay with this."

And also that now he's stuffed in his alt-grandmother who is now a teenager's living room but that really isn't what's important here. What's important here is the Batterwitch and the fact that John is teetering on the edge of a classic Egbertian meltdown-freakout here.

"Oh...god..."

John was actually right about Betty Crocker after all, who knew? But still, her ecto-twin's gloating followed by the realization at what else Dirk said causes her to tense.

Huh. She took on the name English after leaving the Crocker family. She supposes Jade English does sound cooler than Jade Crocker. She's already pushing it by having her name sound like Dirk and Roxy's friend Jane. But it hardly matters when given the context of the whole situation. What sort of hell is that Alt-universe?

"John." Jade's tone carries a warning, please just let Dirk finish, don't freak out yet.

"Gimme a clear shot," she grumbles as she settles fully in against Dirk, now that he's down for the daily 'what is personal space, we don't know' ritual. Enjoy watching two people who are in no way romantically involved act like they are.

Roxy turns her glass around in her hands and sighs as she stares into the liquid. She's just going to casually not mention that one or two of those assassination attempts were fake ones that she set up herself to try to get Jane to listen to her. She slides her gaze sideways toward John instead and lifts an eyebrow. "Is he alright?"

Welp. That's quite the turn of events. Though she doubts that the Betty Crocker from their universe was also the Condesce, she decides not to bring this up. They don't need John going further into hysterics at the moment. Instead, she glances his way at Roxy's question.

"John, calm down. Alt-John was raised completely differently than you had been. There's a chance all of us may have done things we wouldn't think we'd ever do. At least let Dirk finish the story."

Dirk raises an eyebrow over his shades. That's a reaction he wasn't expecting, and it's filed away for later use. Funny how Jane's dancestor would be the one to suspect the treachery of the batterwitch, in a universe where that wasn't even a thing. Maybe it will be something to point out to Jane, if she ever shows up.

"Well, I don't know how he personally felt about her. But he certainly didn't take a revolutionary stance the way the other three did. If he had, I hardly believe Jane would be the heiress of the company now."

He was a prophet before his time. Clearly John is the real seer of the group here. Seer of Witch in the house.

"Oh what the hell, really? Lame."

As much as he wants to press the issue more, being chided by both Jade and Rose is enough to get him to sink back into the couch cushions and keep quiet. This story already sucks, he's not sure how anything else Dirk has to say can make it better but okay, let's hear it.

Stupid Alpha Universe.

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so i guess there is a new order now? idfk, we're pro at this.

completely quality

gj guys

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