Enter the Spider

[trust_the_fuckhead]

Who: Spider Jerusalem and whomever is brave enough to come near.
When: May 28th, afternoon.
Where: The Plaza
Style: Action, though prose works too if you want.
Status: Open to all
Warning: Skinny white guy butt.

[It's that time of the month again, when the plaza plays host to a few new arrivals. They're usually confused, scared, or angry, and it is not uncommon for there to be some yelling. However, what comes from the area now is a string of profanities so heartfelt it's probably stripping the bark off the trees up on the island, not to mention what harm it's causing local property values, if property values were really a thing around here.]

[A new arrival landed in the plaza with the customary splash of seawater. A human male, hairless and covered in a variety of tattoos. He's wearing a very odd pair of sunglasses, and a strange set of sneakers. Unfortunately for anybody present he's not wearing anything else. It seems a few items arrived with him, and lacking in clothing his entire inventory is also... exposed. Besides the shoes and glasses his arrival included a typewriter of some strange make, a pack of cigarettes, and what looks like a gun out of some bad sci-fi flick.]

[The initial anger and shock have worn off. It was the smell that got him first. Wherever this is, it's not The City. Far too clean, far too quiet. He was brought here against his will though, so naturally he was on edge. He's survived far too many assassination attempts to not wonder just who brought him here and why. Looking out at his scattered possessions, he dove for the one thing that would be best to keep close to him in such an uncertain environment.]

God fucking damnit. The whole pack is soaked.

Comments

what the hell am I even doing

[bethehugejerk]

[Thank you for pre-stripping the tree bark, Spider; it saves Karkat of having to do so with his swears, though from the sound of it, he might be trying to catch the ones across the island.]

GRUBFUCKING SHITFACED JEGUS GODDAMN CHRIST BACKFLIPPING OFF THE HANDLE INTO THE FOULEST VOMIT-LADEN HELL.

[May it suffice to say that this is not the sight he expected on his customary trip to the coral. The sack of groceries he was carrying has dropped to the ground, bringing with it cracked eggs, boxes of microwaveables, and a couple oranges rolling away. It was quite a sudden drop, too, with how Karkat's arm have flown faceward. One forearm rubs fervently on his face at though trying to scrub the sight from mind and memory, but unfortunately not existence.]

MAY YOU BE STRUCK DOWN BY A ROGUE APPARITION OF FISH MONSTERS FOR HAVE THE BALD-BULGED AUDACITY TO INFLICT THIS PUKE-INDUCING SIGHT ON ALL EYES INNOCENT AND GUILTY, AND THE HAPLESS SOULS OF THOSE WHO HAVE SO MUCH CROSSED THE COBBLES OF THIS GODFORSAKEN PLAZA. FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYTHING FOR WITH THIS DECENCY HAS BEEN MOST SURELY SCREWED IN THE WASTE CHUTE, AND SHALL NEVER AGAIN BE CLEANSED OF THIS IMPURITY. MY FUCKING GOD. WHY.

Same thing I'm doing: making everything worse.

[trust_the_fuckhead]

Oh. Either the drugs are still working their magic or I've been sold to a midget circus again.

[He takes a second to really look at the young troll.]

Shit, maybe both then. Alright you weird looking fucker, where the hell are we.

[bethehugejerk]

EAT A DICK YOU PRESUMPTUOUS SHITHEAD!

[This said while still firmly covering his face.]

I'm not a midget. I am 14 of your earth years in age and I am going to fucking get taller, damnit, I just haven't hit a growth spurt yet. And if you're on drugs, which is frankly the furthest thing from surprising I've heard all month, they're still not responsible for this. I'm a troll: note the skin, the horns, and I would say the eyes but like ass-reeking hell am I removing my arms and turning my lobe your direction long enough for you to get a look. Take my word when I say they have yellow instead of your weird human white.

[Breathe.]

You're in a place called Vatheon, and I am half tempted to petition the scientist bastards in charge via hand-arranged message in stones on the island's beach above to return you ASAP to whatever festering, feculent asshole of the collective universes you crawled out of.

[trust_the_fuckhead]

[Spider listened to the response quietly. If Karkat was looking, he's see something nearly as disconcerting as the man's nudity as a smile started to grow on his face. He hadn't heard a diatribe like that in quite a while. Very few people in the city could muster enough care to let loose a really good rant, and this kid has talent.]

Alright little guy. You're a troll, I'm a human. You'll need to be a bit more precise with your details though. Is this a transient thing, a mutation thing, or are you really another species?

[Spider picked up his typewriter and began booting it up. Thank goodness he got the waterproofed model.]

[bethehugejerk]

[No, no he's not. Whether or not Spider things he has talent is not even an issue on his mind at present.]

Excuse you, shitstain. I was hatched--cloned this way, whatever, technicalities, and it's not transient in the least.

[Little does he know he'll be a human next week. He also sounds pretty bitter, though for reasons not entirely apparent. "Mutation" isn't exactly his favorite word.]

I'm from the planet Alternia in a universe you've never been near - reality itself would surely start to rot and decay if you had - as is every single other troll he--

[What's that mechanical tapping?]

Are you typing?

[He starts to look, limbs moving to try and find the source. The result:]

MOTHER OF DISTENDED PUS-DRIPPING SPHINCTERS, WHY DID I LOOK.

[trust_the_fuckhead]

So you're from a planet named Alternia, and there's several of you here. You guys are hatched, and your planet is in a different universe entirely. If it weren't for that unfortunate planet name it could almost be believable. So what about this place then Pint-size? Is this Vatheon a part of another universe too, or are you all just visiting mine?

[Under his breath spider muttered the word "Picture", and his glasses immediately processed the command.]

[theholywarrior]

You there!

[ A young man suddenly appeared from nowhere. One who's as equally drenched from head-to-toe but fortunately still dressed unlike the old man. ]

I never thought I would come across such a fiend in the hour of my awakening!

[ As he approached the naked newcomer, Patroklos quickly raised his blade and pointed it towards the man's throat. The metallic blade shined menacingly under the ocean's reflection. ]

Only a vile beast tainted by evil would parade around so shamelessly.

[trust_the_fuckhead]

And what sort of evil fucker points a sword at an unarmed man? Huh? A bit quick to jump on a guy who just got dragged here against his will, dropped with a ton of seawater naked into some public place. Do you always go after unarmed kidnapping victims, or do you like to take it out on women and children too?

[Spider, your mouth is talking, might want to see to that. Oh well, if he tries anything, he'll get a taste of spider's little friend he's holding behind his back. Spider quickly wonders if he'll have time to up the power all the way or if he'll just have to settle for "watery".]

[[OOC: You should probably check out and respond to spider's permissions if this is going to escalate any further. His weapon isn't actually violent, but it certainly is unsavory.]]

[theholywarrior]

[ The man's comment certainly struck an ill-cord with Patroklos, especially since Spider has a point. If the both of them were victims here, then why point his blade at someone who's in need of aid? The only reason why he took up the hilt of the Soul Calibur was so he could save others.

Yet, how could he possibly believe that such a vulgar man needs rescue? After all, he's parading around town naked...

I would never do such things to the innocent! Although, I hardly doubt that you are the paragon of noble intentions.

[trust_the_fuckhead]

And you are? waving a blade at a man based on... what, your fucking intuition ? How many people have you killed before they had a chance to explain themselves? Don't try to deny it, you fucking righteous fury nutjobs always end up taking the crusade a bit to historically.

[theholywarrior]

[ Patroklos' eyes widen with rage as the surly bastard continued with his rant. He could feel his grip upon the hilt of the Soul Calibur tighten significantly at every accusation that rang true. How many times has he harmed the innocent? How many people has he murdered in the name of justice?

Just how many times will he commit the same mistake?

The blond was starting to feel sick to his stomach now. ]

Don't you dare assume anything about me! You don't know me!

[closedcircuit]

[Right, naked. That's a very bad thing, but something that can easily be rectified. So Ky's walking over with a convenient towel, and holding it out while doing his best not to look too closely at the naked man.]

You may be able to get some at the convenience store once you've found some clothes and had a chance to get your bearings.

[Not that Ky's ever smoked a cigarette, but he thinks he's seen other people smoking them here.]

[trust_the_fuckhead]

[Well now, a calm, reasonable response, starting with where he can get some more cigarettes. Congratulations, you're a saint in his eyes. For now. He takes the offered towel and quickly dries off, wrapping it around his waist when he's finished. He offers a hand to Ky.]

Thank you. I'm Spider.

[closedcircuit]

[Ky takes it and shakes politely, before returning his hand to his side.]

Ky Kiske. Welcome to...this place is called Vatheon.

[trust_the_fuckhead]

Thanks again. Mind giving me directions to that convenience store? Oh, and somewhere to get some pants.

[closedcircuit]

Ah. Just over there. It's free with your mark. As for pants... I suppose you could get one from there as well, or you could stay here and I could fetch some for you.

[Better to not be naked all over Vatheon, surely.]

[lafreshia]

Oh my!

[Lili was shocked to find a naked hobo blocking her path as she was taking a stroll. If she had tripped on him, just think of what that would have done to her boots! But Lili was not without compassion. She knew as soon as she heard him curse the heavens for his drenched pack of cigarettes that she must do something]

There, there, poor person. There's no need to curse your fate. Look, I will allow to be my servant. That way you don't have to appear so lewdly and you get to serve me in all my splendor.

[She blushed as if too pleased with herself. She then held a straightened palm vertically below her mouth and started laughing]

Wasn't I wonderful?

[trust_the_fuckhead]

Excuse me, the fuck did you just say?

[Snobery like this is so rarely presented right in Spider's face. Looks like wherever this place is people aren't too different. At least that means he won't get too bored here.]

[lafreshia]

Oh! I didn't know you were deaf as well. I'm so sorry. Your misfortune would explain your crudeness as well.

[Not getting the point, Lili moved closer and raised her voice.]

Out of the goodness of my heart, you may be my servant.

Oh no...

[trust_the_fuckhead]

[Spider suddenly breaks out into a grin.]

I'm sorry ma'am. I couldn't quite hear that. Could you come closer please?

[behind_my_smile]

[The sudden appearance of the man is really of no surprise to Fai. He is getting used to such things. What surprises him is the significant lack of clothing. This is definitely the first time he has seen one arrive naked. He blinks a few times as he tries to recover from the initial shock. Finally he walks over and smiles.]

I guess you're another new arrival. Welcome to Vatheon!

[Always smiling, always pleasant and energetic. That is Fai. He rummages around in the picnic basket he had been carrying and pulls out the blanket, holding it out to the strange man.]

Try this on for size.

[trust_the_fuckhead]

Huh. Thanks.

[He wraps up in the blanket, happy at least for some warmth. The positive personality of this guy is bugging him though. People don't act like that unless they're hiding something or they're getting ready to fuck you over. Always smoking, always abrasive and... well I guess energetic fits, as long as he's not crashing after a few days of stimulant overloading. That's Spider. ]

So, what's your damage then?

[behind_my_smile]

[Fai is hiding a lot but don't expect him to give up any of that information very easily. He has spent most of his life hiding his secrets. He blinks in confusion at the question though.]

My damage? What do you mean?

[trust_the_fuckhead]

The happy act. You're either a lobotomy case or you're overcompensating. Right now I'm leaning on the brain damage side, but I've been wrong before.

[Sigh.]

Look. I'm not particularly interested in your personal demons or whatever if you've got 'em. [Not yet, haven't even started an article here.] I'm trying to see if you've got half a brain behind that cyclopean visage there, and if it's worth my time doing anything more than saying thanks and moving on.

[behind_my_smile]

[Fai absorbs all of that and then laughs.] I guess it depends who you ask, which category I fall under. But as far as I know I've never experienced brain damage..though would I really remember it if I did?

Just because I only have half the vision of a normal person, doesn't mean I have half the brain to match it.