vatheon | it's hard and nobody understands

Entry tags:

it's hard and nobody understands

Who: Jake English + Dirk Strider.
Where: Jake's room.
When: The evening of February 1st.
Style: Action pls.
Status: Private, but still on going. Continued from here.

_{[ The walk to his bedroom seemed to take forever, but he took it in silence as he guided his boyfriend-not-boyfriend thing to his bedroom for a feelings jam. A super feelings jam he should have approached much earlier than he did. He was going to do this right this time; no running away from your problems anymore. Jake had to remember to be as sensitive as possible, which was a daunting challenge for him.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, he waited for Dirk to take a seat next to him before hanging in his head. ]}

I'm terrified.

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[Dirk hesitates awkwardly by the door for a moment, before finally taking a seat on the bed. He picks an awkward middle distance, not at the far side of the bed, not right next to Jake. He feels frozen inside. He's not sure if he's mad, any more, or if he's afraid, and the longer he has to wait, the more it's messing with his head.

So he's just left staring as Jake hangs his head.]

So just say it, already.

[God, what does Jake even have to be terrified of, here?]

_{[ Taking in a deep breath he thought he was going to hold forever, he begins to speak briskly, stagger in his voice as he tries to ignore the warm swells in his eyes. ]}

Dirk, I feel as if I've done so many horrible things that have only really caused tension in our wonderful group of four. Four Musketeers as it were. And all I can say is that I am infinitely sorry I didn't bring this to your attention earlier, but to be quit honest, I.. wasn't sure precisely how. I couldn't help how I was feeling and I felt as if avoiding you at all costs would be a temporary fix until I could conjure up some sort of way to say this, but,

_{[ Turning to face him, he takes another deep breath. ]}

I know you like me and you like me a lot.
And when we, uhm-- when we enter our gaming session, uhm--
We actually start going out.

_{[ Phew. Yeah. He lifts a hand, scrubbing at one of his eyes as he takes in a few more shaky breaths, waiting for his reaction first. ]}

[That reaction is a few seconds coming. Dirk's been trying to push down panic, this whole conversation, because he honestly doesn't know what's coming. He'd thought he had the future figured out, he'd had a plan for dealing with Jake, in the time he's from. He'd have continued it here in Vatheon, only Jake has been acting strange and he'd barely had the time to act like a friend around him, let alone finally say anything about it.

He forgets to breathe for a moment when Jake finally faces him. This is what Jake was terrified to tell him? It can't be. Just because Dirk doesn't remember that doesn't mean he didn't want it to happen.

It takes a long time before he's sure he can talk without his voice cracking on him.]

So why didn't you tell me about it?

Because I suppose.. I mistreated you in our relationship.

_{[ Bringing his hands to his face, he cups them over his eyes in an attempt to hide, voice beginning to waver. ]}

I.. did the same thing I sort of was doing here by running away from my problems instead of talking with you and that's wrong of me. If I were to be brutally honest here, I would say that I'm not precisely deserving to be intertwined with another person on a romantic scale.

I fret I'll only mess things up one way of another.

_{[ He removes his hands, vision blurry. ]}

I ran away from you because.. I felt things were going to fast. And instead of talking them out with you, I ignored you.

_{[ He forces a little, tiny smile, his cheeks dusting pink. ]}

You're a very passionate person, Strider, whether you can see it or not.

[Dirk's hands are clenching to fists in his lap. His face is as blank as he can make it. He's never been more glad for his shades than he is now. He's not sure what he's feeling right now- flattered? Angry? Heartbroken?- but he's sure that he doesn't want Jake seeing it.

"Passionate," he says. It sounds like "overemotional," in Dirk's ears. He's determined to prove him wrong. In this way, even if he apparently won't be able to manage any other ways.

It doesn't help that Jake blushing still looks cute as hell.]

All right. I can read in between the lines.

[He can feel his nails digging into his palms, but he doesn't relax his hands.]

So you don't like me as much. Okay. I get that. Thanks for trying to spare my feelings, it's not as if I was still hoping to ask you out in the first place for the last two months.

_{[ He rubs at his arm, thinking for a moment. Great. As oblivious as he can be sometimes, he's definitely paying attention this go around, and he's feeling an unsettling vibe.

Jake watches his shoes, kicking his feet upward slightly as they hang off of the bed. ]}

I had a hunch you were going to perhaps try and romance me eventually here since you did in the timeline from whence I came, and since I felt unnerved then, I tried to avoid it here.

I guess that was pretty selfish of me, huh? I'm sorry.

_{[ He loosens his little bow tie, starting to feel sweat rise to his pores. Jake's hand is visibly shaking. ]}

So, uhm. That's how it is in the future. We're together and this problem arises, and I wrongfully avoid it instead of talking it out. Uhm.

I mean, when we're together, it's great. We go adventuring together and shoot monsters together and all of those shenanigans are fantastic. I couldn't ask for a better partner. It's just, erm, well,
You're very pressuring, and I'm very scared and I don't know how to handle the situation.
So maybe if you weren't so forward and I was more brave, we wouldn't have too much of a predicament.

Though, now, I'm not certain how you feel right now about me.

You sure as hell haven't been acting like I'm such a great partner. You've been trying to ignore that you ever dated me.

[He can't look at Jake right now, he's just glaring into some middle distance right ahead of him, with his hands still white-knuckled fists in his lap.]

What the hell were you expecting, anyway? I have been fucking "pushy" from the goddamn day you met me. What, did you think I'd turn into a blue pinup girl?

I suppose that is because I felt like I needed space? I don't know, Dirk. I guess we were not on the bestest terms when I get shanghaied here and so it was difficult for me to get out of that mindset once I arrived.

_{[ Jake heaves a sigh and sort of leans away from Dirk, already exhausted with his conversation as it is. He lifts a hand and rakes it though his hair. He thinks for a moment. ]}

I've always liked you a lot. I dare say, you are inevitably the more valued person to me considerating all that we have been through. Remember we would always sort of joke about going out and such? And then I sort of realized that you had compatibility, I thought a bit more about what I am attracted to and I came to the conclusion that it is compatibility.

Uhm...
I dunno. I guess I never realized you were pushy as you put it and it just made things go too fast and I felt overwhelmed.
It still does not mean that I do not value you any less.
In fact, I still care for you a shit load ton.

That's great for you.

[He relaxes his hands, then clenches them. He's not sure what to do with them. What to do with himself. Instead of doing anything, he holds still.]

Jesus, Jake, what do you even want here?

_{[ Jake can tell Dirk is gradually losing patience, and he gulps audibly. ]}
For everfrigs sake, Dirk, you were the one who asked what was going on. Excuse me if I am being honest here.

I ... suppose I would like for us to both be happy. I mean, if you want to try it again with me, erm, I do not see anything wrong with that now that we know what the problem is and how to handle it.
Or, if that is something you would rather not try, we can just continue to be friends.
I do not want to lose you as a friend regardless.

It is your call.

Edited 2013-02-09 21:01 (UTC)

And you're the one who knows!

[He can't stop the shout, but immediately after, he looks down sharply at his lap, and clenches his jaw shut. It takes several long moments before he speaks again. When he does, his voice is much quieter.]

There hasn't even been a fucking first time for me.

[He stands up, takes a half-step forward away from the bed.]

I don't know if I can do this.

_{[ welp. ]}

..Okay, I mean, if that's what you feel is best for us. I figure it would only be humane to give you-- uh-- us another go since back in the session it was a doozy. And since I have a second chance to give us a second chance this way, I figure I would explain and offer.

_{[ He shifts a bit, lowering his voice. ]}

..Okay.

I don't know what the hell is best, Jake. Just give me a few fucking days.

_{[ He wrings his hands together before standing up himself. ]}

Alright, uh. I understand. I think I'm going to step out of the house for a bit.

_{[ A pause. He advances to Dirk a bit, trying to read him a little better. ]}

Can I help you in any sort of way before I take my leave?

No, I'm fine. [Or, you know, he's not, but like hell is he going to break down about it right now. Not in front of Jake.]

I'm not gonna be here for a few days anyway. So. Y'know. Have fun with the house.

_{[ Jake leans in a little more. ]}
Are you positive? I mean, I understand if you need space, but please don't be terribly upset.
And, uhm.

I'll.. be here if you need me. I won't ignore you anymore.
_{I'm sorry.}

Okay. Uh. Thanks. I'll just get out of your way now.

[He starts heading toward the door.]

_{[ Jake shifts. ]}
Be back in time for the holiday.

[Dirk only barely avoids flinching.]

... Okay. I'll try that.

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