Karkat Vantas ♋ carcinoGeneticist (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bethehugejerk) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
vatheon2012-03-14 02:29 pm
bethehugejerk) wrote in vatheon2012-03-14 02:29 pm
Entry tags:
♋ shoosh ♑
Who: Karkat and Gamzee
Where: Gamzee, Equius, and Darkleer's hive, presently absent the latter two.
When: March 14th, starting around midnight, continuing into whenever.
Style: Action
Status: Closed
[The latter hours of the 13th have been a process. Everything is preparation, first in the act of gathering. Karkat has raided pillows from most places, foremost his own room, and any in other places that he has found particular fondness for. Nothing more Eridan's, or nothing equally favored: they would be out of place. And blankets, too, though he has already lost the one from his own bed on Monday to the act of covering his thought bubble, for however long that venture lasted. Hint: not very. After that is a bottle of Faygo, purchased specially for this night in remembrance of the April night they mended their friendship. Last, the Regisickle. That much never leaves him willingly, nor the other bits of his strife deck, but checking it carries a weight beyond the physical.]
[Second, and starting with the gathering, has been the act of scrubbing down down. Each object picked up is like a piece of himself picked away: not in loss, but in opening, letting memories and feelings well under the surface for the jam to come. A shower serves as culmination, each brush of soap like cleaning away doubt and hesitance, rubbing raw his mind that his moirail may yet sooth it.]
[The actual trip there after is uneventful, and too short for any meaningful thought along the way. When he reaches the door a few houses down, he knocks and waits.]
Where: Gamzee, Equius, and Darkleer's hive, presently absent the latter two.
When: March 14th, starting around midnight, continuing into whenever.
Style: Action
Status: Closed
[The latter hours of the 13th have been a process. Everything is preparation, first in the act of gathering. Karkat has raided pillows from most places, foremost his own room, and any in other places that he has found particular fondness for. Nothing more Eridan's, or nothing equally favored: they would be out of place. And blankets, too, though he has already lost the one from his own bed on Monday to the act of covering his thought bubble, for however long that venture lasted. Hint: not very. After that is a bottle of Faygo, purchased specially for this night in remembrance of the April night they mended their friendship. Last, the Regisickle. That much never leaves him willingly, nor the other bits of his strife deck, but checking it carries a weight beyond the physical.]
[Second, and starting with the gathering, has been the act of scrubbing down down. Each object picked up is like a piece of himself picked away: not in loss, but in opening, letting memories and feelings well under the surface for the jam to come. A shower serves as culmination, each brush of soap like cleaning away doubt and hesitance, rubbing raw his mind that his moirail may yet sooth it.]
[The actual trip there after is uneventful, and too short for any meaningful thought along the way. When he reaches the door a few houses down, he knocks and waits.]
no subject
[His thoughts wonder aloud:]
Was that over dramatic?
[And he shoots a glare back at his bubble.]
No it wasn't! I have an entirely valid point, and yeah, I've done some big things, but it doesn't negate the rest.
no subject
[He sighs, frowning for a moment, trying to find the right words.]
You always fuckin' think of the shit you did wrong before you all think about the amazing motherfuckin' things you did right. You think stuff is all bein' your fault even when it ain't. You up and sit here tellin' me you can't do fuckin' nothing, when I know that ain't no motherfuckin' truth. Ain't nobody what can do as many amazing shit as you can.
no subject
Even here: I'm leader and I'm always doing something wrong, not thinking enough or doing enough or trying hard enough. You died and I died, and so have others, and more have been hurt, and just because they survived doesn't mean I did enough, that I can--that I can set this all down and forget it, because I can't. I'm carrying the weight of all of you, all of--fucking everything--and I'd hate myself even worse if I abandoned it.
no subject
Yeah. Yeah, I'm guessin', you all went and fuckin' did that. You motherfuckin' made me. Made all of us like some motherfuckin' miracles just all like that. Like it weren't even a thang. [He reaches up languidly, poking Karkat in the brow with one fingers.] Means every motherfuckin' magic thing what done happened to me is also 'cause of you. Every time I did like to get my glad on, all 'cause of you, my brother. Though, like, I'm all thinkin' here there were bigger motherfuckin' things all than us guiding your fuckin' prongs there, bro.
[Hey, ever the believer.]
You fuckin' talk about how I did all kicked it, but man, brother, that were doin' me a fuckin' kindness, yeah? I fuckin' do get that you all went to solvin' that shit way different some other time, but you fuckin' did up and solve it for me then. That is all I got my caring on for.
no subject
If not for my fuck ups, you could have had a better life than you did, though. It's not enough that I just brought you into Paradox Space. I was fated to be your leader--fated for something, I don't know, but enough that the Signless's followers prepared for my existence before I even came into the world. There are expectations riding on me and there have been for centuries. I was all but literally hatched to be a leader, and the only snag there is that none of us were even in an egg.
If there are bigger things guiding us, then it's temporal predestination, not anything else.
[Ever the atheist.]
And even if I did help the situation then, it's still not the best I could have done, and it doesn't stop me from wishing I could have done it differently. The scars we've got from that night aren't just physical, and you know it.
no subject
[Hey, he knows serendipity when he experiences it, okay.
He reaches up to touch Karkat's face, brushing away some of his hair.]
And I ain't want a better life, I fuckin' like this one. I know it isn't perfect, and shit, there is a whole lot of motherfucker shit I wish what didn't all go down, what I fuckin' pray for could all be changing, but we know that ain't all gonna be happening. If wishing for shit or praying all did like to change stuff like that, us motherfuckers would fuckin' know. And I ain't all like telling you to fuckin' forget about that stuff what went down. I wouldn't ever all be telling you that. We gotta fuckin' remember what shit we fucked turnways, cause else we does all keep to be making the same motherfuckin' mistakes. But like there is to be remembering shit and there is...
[He falls quiet with a somewhat confused expression, groping for the right word. Dwelling, maybe, but even that doesn't sound heavy enough. Words are hard.]
I mean like... you get baking pies, yeah? You got yourself a fuckin' list of all the stuff you gotta put in there to get you the pimpest of fuckin' pastry miracles. But you fuck up. Maybe you all didn't read shit right, or maybe you just weren't all in the possession being of having the right stuff, or maybe you all did like to spend a bit too much time getting up in your wicked chill. [He grins a little here. Yeah, what sort of motherfucker could he be meaning by that.] Don't matter. Either way, that pie is fucked. But you can all sit there and fuckin' keep blaming you bad self for fuckin' up that fuckin' innocent pastry and you can't ever all bake another fuckin' slice again or you can get up off your nook, and try shit again. And you remember what shit you all did wrong before, and maybe you do all like to be setting yourself up some fuckin' noise to be keeping you from getting way too chill again, and then maybe the next pie you all make will be better.
[god, he is getting hungry.]
And you know... sometimes that pie you fucking went and fucked up? Sometimes that pie is still real good. Even if it ain't what it is supposed to be like, it's still good. You're kinda like that, I'm thinking.
[Yes, Karkat, revel. You are like a slightly burned pie with the wonky crust and uneven filling. I hope that in this moment you feel the love. Feel it.]
no subject
[And because of that, maybe he listens better than he might have.]
[It is odd, to say the least. While the first section follows a logical aim well enough, beyond Gamzee's convoluted grammatical meandering, the metaphor to follow is decidedly odd. It's good that Karkat speaks wall the language of bad-metaphor-ese, but even this is worse than his derailed comparisons of things to other things. He's never compared anyone to a badly made pie before.]
Gamzee, don't do metaphors. You're shit at them.
[Just being honest. But his expression shows his thought as he mulls over the spirit of his words, and though it takes a stretch, in the end he lets out a breath.]
... But you've got a point in there, as woefully lost as it is between the crust of your argument and the overcooked filling of its wonky delivery. It's just... hard sometimes. Or a lot of the time. Most of it, whatever, you get the picture.
[He shifts, self-conscious.]
You've known me long enough that you see how I blame myself for everything I can, and I'm not going to ever forget when shit is my fault. But trying to accept it and move past it... I guess I'm still learning how to do that. The fact that I was practically made for copious amounts of self-loathing does not help in the least.
no subject
[Make your choice, Karkat. Shitty metaphors or rapping. Think wisely, because you will be screwed either way.
He listens to him, leaning his head a little closer.]
I know, bro. But don't matter what you were fuckin' made for, yeah? If you can up and get your belief on for me being a good motherfucker what can learn to control hisself, then I got my fuckin' belief on for you being a motherfucker what is gonna learn to let go off all that shit some time.
And until you all be managing to do that, I'll just be digging you just like this. Scars and self-loathing and all.
no subject
[Not even a contest.]
[He settles again with the rest, and that maybe softens some of his emotion.]
I'm glad you're my moirail. Even if you are a big, dumb clown most of the time, you don't actually suck at this.
Pale for you.
no subject
[He shifts a little, extracting one hand so he can extend it to Karkat, half the diamond already formed with his fingers.]
no subject
Yeah.
But we should talk about more than my issues. Give me a new topic, something of yours.
no subject
Been cool, just been... just all been having what happened a year back spooking my motherfuckin' pan. More than normal, I'm meaning.
no subject
I'm not surprised. I remember it too, I've seen it twice, but your side... It has to be worse.
no subject
[He squeezes Karkat's hand.]
And sometimes I ain't even all sure if I did get any fuckin' better than that.
no subject
[His other hand come up, papping soft and slow at his cheek. The first stays with his hand.]
I'm not going to spew out a bunch of lies saying that wasn't you, because it was. It was something you did and it's as terrible as it sounds. If it wasn't, you never would have had Wataru there for like you did, and me after him. It's never going to be great that it happened, not for you or me or anyone who knows, but the thing is, that's not all there is to you.
Past me may have made countless mistakes on every scale, but--you told me I need to keep going anyway, didn't you? Not to forget, not to just ignore it, not to refuse to learn from that shit, but to try again anyhow. You said you'll be there for me even while I'm still learning to do that. I'm there for you while you learn, too.
You're just... just because you did all that, you haven't thrown yourself off some metaphorical cliff of salvageability to wreck yourself against the rocks below. I know it's not how you want to be, and you've learned. You eat your slime and I help you, and even when you can't do that I find you, and I'm there for you. You are a big, dumb, forgetful clown most of the time, this doofus who loves miracles and special stardust and has a crippling Faygo addiction that makes me wonder how you still have fangs in your mouth. You're a laidback moron who cares a metric assload about his friends--and before you were ever my moirail, even with how much your quirk and your horns and everything made me question the logic in your pan, you were my best friend.
I already told you how I felt about what I did here. But in the Veil, even if I was more scared than I knew I had ever felt in my life, when I saw you, I knew it had to be like this. That if you can't stop yourself, then I have to be there for you. So remember that, damnit--even if it's not easy, even if you don't think you can get better, I know you're not just the sum of your screw ups. When you can't do everything on your own, I am the asshole who will come and shooshpap you even in the middle of your most reckless rampage and remind you that you're not just that.
[He paps again, firmer.]
Shoosh. I'm here for you, okay? You're better than you think.
no subject
If I were really any motherfuckin' better, Eridan's eye would still be fuckin' fine.
I know. I know you are like always fuckin' there for me, bro. I'm just real motherfuckin' frightened of the motherfucker I get to being when you can't fuckin' be.
no subject
Shhhshhhshh. That was a mistake, I'm not saying it wasn't. But I had--had died, and that psychopatch Yuno framed him to make it look like it he did it. If it were who had died, I wouldn't exactly be in the best state of mind to think it over rationally either.
I can't make Eridan forgive you or feel one way or another after what you did, but don't you dare go and think you're irredeemable or can't be helped because of what happened. We're lucky enough this place revived me.
no subject
[He just misses having Eridan as a friend. That and the guilt.]
Just... Just freaks at me sometimes, the way what I can just all fuckin' snap like that.
no subject
[The hand at his face moves, going now to pap at his shoulder.]
I wouldn't doubt it. I get freaked out enough sometimes about other things, and I don't even have your... highblood rage stuff to deal with. But I'm here for you. I sure as hell don't ever want to die again, not like that, and I am being careful. I want to defend myself, and keep myself and--and everyone safe. And part of that is staying alive so I can help you when you can't handle it all on your own.