(no subject)

[a_violent_end]

Who: Shizuo and Izaya
Where: Izaya's place
When: Monday
Style: Action
Status: Closed

[Naturally, the little bubble following Shizuo around reminded him of the fairy that used to hover over his shoulder. Upon seeing it in the mirror that morning, he had poked at it curiously, but it didn't seem prone to popping - or to leaving him alone. He didn't mind it, exactly, but it did make him wonder - enough, at least, to decide to pay Izaya a visit to ask him about it. Izaya had been at Vatheon longer than him, and Izaya's job was to have answers, so Shizuo figured if someone would know what the bubble meant, it would be Izaya. And it provided a nice excuse to go and visit him again.

Shizuo decided to forgo his usual bartender uniform in favor of dressing a little more casually - jeans and a simple slim-fit t-shirt. A lot of things had changed since he arrived in Vatheon, so why not change up his wardrobe, just a little? Treasuring the uniforms didn't mean he had to wear them all of the time, and he didn't have as much of a reason to be distinct in Vatheon as he had been in Ikebukuro. That and...he thought he looked kind of good in casual clothes, and maybe Izaya would agree.

He kept the sunglasses, though.

It's a little after noon once Shizuo shows up and knocks on Izaya's door. He hadn't informed him that he'd be stopping by, so Shizuo hopes that he's home.]

Comments

[a_violent_end]

[Shizuo watches those images and it's painful to see those, but isn't it half the point? How he has taken so long - how he has hurt Izaya? It isn't even really about Jacob, not when you get down to it. And it's not even about jealousy. It's about how Shizuo genuinely feels that Izaya is somehow out of reach - that for all the love and talk and intensity of emotions - what happens when it's just them and they don't have a movie? What if Izaya genuinely wants to talk about arctic animals from whatever universe? What if Izaya wants to sit down and tell Shizuo - Today I killed someone. What then. What comes after? They did their relationship reversed. The whole acceptance, the love, the sex - all that is supposed to come after two people learn to be together. They don't know. They don't know how to just be together - they are only learning - and Shizuo is seeing a divide he doesn't really understand and MAYBE. Maybe he is a dick. Maybe he has no clue. But he just wants to be worth it. To connect with Izaya - more this. More than the deeper emotions. More than suicides forcing revelations.

Izaya had called him socially stupid, and yeah, he was socially stupid, and maybe part of the problem is that Shizuo doesn't know what he's doing, but he's trying and this is a whole lot more difficult than he thought it would be.

His bubble does its best to keep up with all of that.

Shizuo stands up. He looks at Izaya, and his expression is soft - maybe a little sad. His thought bubble is blank, because you know what? Shizuo isn't as much of a moron as everyone always seems to point out. He can keep it clear, for just a moment - for this.

He leans in and he kisses Izaya. A soft, unintrusive kiss.]

I love you. I'm not mad. So I'm telling you. I love you, and I'm sorry. There are a lot of things I don't know, and I am a dick. I'm trying, though.

[The bubble wavers and ultimately betrays him - control not as good as Shizuo had hoped. It broadcasts that he's leaving. He gives Izaya a small smile.]

I'm going home.

[kingwithnocrown]

[Their relationship had never been simple. Not from day one and not now. It might never be 'simple'. It might be a very long time before they can just watch a movie casually together and then cozy up on the couch and pass out and talk about nothing. Izaya wasn't looking for meaningful conversations full of life and philosophy and God complexes. He didn't want that from Shizuo.

Those were his own stupid ideas and his own ramblings and he had always thought that it was the depicted insane part of his persona- things he would throw in the faces of his victims to mock him, things he'd preach about around Namie to annoy her. Sure he liked to read and educate himself but he had liked Shizuo for a long time. He knew that he was a simple-minded man and in a way, it contrasted with Izaya's more complex and overdeveloped mind filled with so many twists and turns that he sometimes exhausted himself.

He needed that underhanded stability of Shizuo's patient, simple mind of blank white background with black words on top. It made him feel complete in a way that wasn't entirely easy to explain because he needed that solid ground to common sense and reasonable thought that he sometimes had difficulty finding when he was busy singing and dancing about Gods and kings and things like that.

He needed Shizuo. And his expression is guilty because he doesn't know how to tell Shizuo any of that and instead, his bubble works up several images to try and compensate but he has a feeling metaphors aren't Shizuo's strong suit.]

Shizuo.

[A whine is in his voice. Like a child not wanting their parent to leave for work in the morning.]

I don't want you to leave.

[He grabs his hand because really, Shizuo wasn't going to leave.]

Do you see what you do?

[He sort of laughs and covers his hand over his face, obviously embarrassed.]

You make me feel so much. I don't know how to deal with emotions sometimes. Especially not the ones you give me and I get so over driven by them.

[He drops his hand and looks at Shizuo, his gaze wide and intrusive.]

You might not know a lot and you might be a jerk sometimes. But I know too much and I'm an asshole all of the time. I need that, Shizuo. I need that part of you that I could never have. I don't know what it's like to have peace of mind because my mind is literally always going. I am always thinking and sometimes I just want to be grounded and not so over-processed. Like you. I call you stupid a lot but I know you're really smart. You've always been able to figure me out because you always had that simplicity. It's a really charming attribute. Don't think that it plunders our relationship and keeps you on a different level than I. It doesn't. If anything, it brings you to me in ways that nothing else can.

I've had plenty of philosophical debates with people Shizuo. It never impresses me and it only makes me agitated and bored. You make me feel like a human. You're simple but it's beautiful. Uh-

[He's talking too much again but Izaya has always been good at that. He's always been good at rambling too much.]

I love you.

[His tone is firm and he takes a step closer to Shizuo.]

Please don't leave.

I know we're battling to find an even ground here but just stay for a while. You're not the only one who's new to this, okay? I know you're trying. Ah- I'm trying too. I just think we hit some walls sometimes. And you're the only person who can really make me react and feel and sometimes that horrifies me or makes me furious so. I can get rash and-...I'm rambling.

[And his bubble is trying painfully to keep up but it just looks like someone flipping down a deck of photos- not a single image lasting so much as a second.]

[a_violent_end]

[Metaphors aren't Shizuo's strong point. He finds them frustrating and useless - why not say what you want to say without all the fanfare - and he doesn't even bother looking at Izaya's thought bubble, but his own thought bubble reports a snippy, Of course. Wasn't it just ironic that Izaya's brain would be depicting exactly what Shizuo was thinking about in such a way?

He's glad when Izaya talks. He doesn't leave - just stands and listens. And when Izaya is done, he nods.]

If you're sure, Izaya.

[He looks down, not exactly sure how to respond.]

I believe you. I just...want to be able to give you what you need. I'm not good for a lot of things, and I know that, but as long as I'm able to make you feel safe and like I really am doing something for you. I...want to be needed. By you.

[He's going to unabashedly pull Izaya close, into a hug. Better this way than to see any insecurities that may be betrayed in his thought bubble. That, and he just likes having Izaya close.]

I just worry that one day you'll wake up and realize that you can have more. Someone smarter. You're really smart, Izaya, I've always known that. I just don't want to hold you back.

[His bubble reports that he means this in all ways - and he thinks of Sola and of any plans that Izaya might have. As he pulls back, his bubble is worrying interfering - Shizuo doesn't want to interfere. He just doesn't want to know - and isn't that bad? Shouldn't he want to know?

He wants to pop his bubble, now. But of course he can't.

Instead he focues on ignoring it and talking.]

I know you're trying to. I know it'll take time. And I get stupid sometimes with the way I react to things and I'm sorry.

I'll stay.

[As though to settle that matter, Shizuo sits.]

You said I'm charming.

[Well - that his "attribute" is charming - but still. Shizuo liked hearing that - after all, in the beginning Izaya had told him he wasn't charming. His bubble remembers this, and expresses pleasure at hearing otherwise.]

[kingwithnocrown]

Would I ever lie to you?

[Wait.]

Don't answer that.

[He wouldn't now but their past suggests otherwise. He just hopes Shizuo knows that.]

You're not holding me back from anything. If anything, you've released me from the one thing I've been carrying around all this time. You've actually made me more untouchable than before. Before, you were my only prized secret, my only sensitive spot, and now, I have you, and now that's not something I need to worry about anymore.

I mean granted, it opens up the fact that people might try to hurt you to get to me but I both trust your strength and my cunning personality to get us out of any situations like that. Besides....

[He trails off and for a moment, his bubble reflects the memory he has of medicating Minato into a sleep-induced haze and suspending him over the side of a building tied to a chair.

Really. The people he hurt simply weren't the type who would exact revenge.

He wasn't worried. But he was getting off hand here. The bubble goes dark.]

Shizu-chan, I've liked you for a long, long time. I've thought about you for a countless amount of hours. I've been in love with you forever. And I have studied you more than any other human alive. Which is probably a little unsettling to hear but the point is- I know you. I know you pretty well and I know why I love you and everything. I'm not about to randomly decide that all of this time, I loved you for stupid reasons.

[Izaya looks down at Shizuo, rather fondly, and kneels down in front of him, extending his arms out to slide around Shizuo's waist as he invites himself to sit between Shizuo's thighs.]

I'm always going to call you stupid. But I know you're not. I'm not going to wake up and want someone smarter because you're the type of smart I like. And trust me, I need you a lot more than I care to let on.

[His tone here is a little sad and he puts his head down in Shizuo's lap, his eyes partially shutting.]

You're the only person worthy of my love. Everyone else is disposable.

[Might not be the best thing to hear but it's sincere.]

Hn. Heh. Yes, Shizu-chan, you're a regular Prince Charming.

[He lifts his head to smirk up at Shizuo.]

You make me swoon and fall to my knees. And you're an idiot. I say a lot of things to you to try and annoy you. Especially then. I was trying to challenge you.

I moved Izaya a little there I hope that's okay ;;

[a_violent_end]

[Shizuo's glad that the question doesn't require an answer, and his bubble quivers a little as he restrains his thoughts - but he does know better, now. He doesn't expect that Izaya will lie to him again. Even when he targeted Zelda, it was after prefacing that he wouldn't make any promises. His bubble runs through these thoughts briefly, before settling into more pleasant ones as Izaya explains that he isn't being held back.

Shizuo would have preferred not to see that memory - Minato seems familiar, though he can't place him - but his bubble doesn't dwell on that.]

I won't let anyone hurt me. Or you. If that happens.

[Which is his way of saying he'll stand by Izaya if anything goes awry. Even if...he brings it on himself. Shizuo would never leave Izaya to fend for himself in a situation like that.

He listens to Izaya talk, allows him to sit between his legs, and when Izaya puts his head in his lap, Shizuo gently brushes his hair back, touches his cheek. Little gestures.

Shizuo doesn't think that people are disposable, but...he likes hearing that from Izaya, more than he would want to admit. It makes him feel important and needed - loved.]

Izaya, come up here. Sit with me.

[And once Izaya does that, Shizuo leans forward and kisses him. A full, loving kiss that he deepens - it's easier, this way, to express how he feels - to put everything he wants to say into that kiss. His eyes are closed and he isn't looking at his bubble, but it happily narrates, I love you, I love this, - everything that Shizuo feels he can't adequately articulate. He continues to kiss Izaya, parting his lips and finding Izaya's tongue with his own, his palm flat against Izaya's heart.]