vatheon | ♑ ♥ ♐ | You are my strong tower

Entry tags:

♑ ♥ ♐ | You are my strong tower

Who: Gamzee Makara and Equius Zahhak.
Where: Home, bedroom.
When: Just before the curse ends, sunday night.
Style: Prose before bros.
Status: Closed on account of sad.

In general, Gamzee digs curses. Long as he just rolls with them, they always got plenty of miracles on offer and the only motherfuckin' trick to it is just getting your seeing on to them. Not always, of course, never always, but often enough that he can let his sponge let go of the times that are harsh more than chill. If you don't think on it, it's almost just like it never really happened.

And this curse? Yeah, this curse was wild. He had loads of fun with all his bros, got himself some sweet-ass digs the sort he could never even got to dreaming of existing and--

Shifting a little, he pulls Equius' arms tighter around him, his bare face pressed to the side of his neck. He already took his face off earlier, before he climbed onto their relaxation rectangle. He turns his head a little, peering past Equius' jaw at his face, noticing the direction his eyes are turned: the clock that slowly ticks away their last, careless moments of being able to touch, and in response he reaches up, laying one hand across Equius' eyes. "Hey man, don't focus on it, aight?"

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"I can't." Equius reaches up and takes Gamzee's hand, giving it a squeeze before moving it off his eyes. He keeps holding it, tucking their entwined fingers under Gamzee's chin and cinching his other arm tighter around him. These past two weeks weren't a curse; they were a miracle, a bona-fide miracle, the kind that if it had stayed, could have gotten him believing in Gamzee's Messiahs. But now they're ending, slipping away like grains of sand through an hourglass, and he can't stop watching the clock as they tick away.

"I need to know when... when I have to let you go." Because if the curse ends, and they're still like this, he'll hurt him.

"Yeah, but..." He knows it is leaving Equius tense, tenser than he has been in the last two weeks. He can feel it in the way he puts his arms around him, the tight draw to his shoulders and the heavy furrow of his brows. Honestly, Equius got a lot to convey in body language if you can just get past the sweat.

(Which has, lets be honest, stopped being a problem for Gamzee a long time ago.)

"Hey, what if I get my fuckin' peep on for you? Then you ain't gotta be worrying your pan ill at it."

Equius has got a lot to give in more ways than that, if people are willing to give him long enough to do so. Just like there's so much more to Gamzee than just being a silly, stoned clown.

"It's better if I do it." Gamzee trusts him a lot more than he trusts himself, and he doesn't want to take any risks. What if his STRENGTH comes back and he still has his arms around him? He could so easily crush his ribcage, or break his back. He appreciates the offer all the same, and runs his hand up and down Gamzee's back, along the fine, delicate bones of his vertebra that he won't be touching again for a long, long time. "Thanks, though."

Gamzee does trust Equius a lot more than Equius trusts Equius, but then again, Gamzee trusts everybody a little more than he should. And Equius honestly has never given him any reason as to why not. Even that time he got hurt that was an accident, the sort of what deserved forgiveness applied to it rather than anger. If he was allowed to monitor the time, he would be far more casual over it than Equius. It would all be okay, after all. And even if it was not then they could just make that okay. Like, if Equius did break his back, maybe he could just build him a new one. Or a robo body. Haha, maybe a robohoofbeastbody.

Naw, that was too silly. What kinda sponge-rotted motherfucker would do that?

"Just gets my sadness on to see you like this, bro. I got to figuring like... maybe if you can't be seeing it, it won't weigh on your pump as much."

Only the most sponge-rotted of motherfuckers.

"I'm sorry." Equius turns his head towards Gamzee, away from the clock, and rubs the top of his head with his jaw. Not only is it affectionate, but it hides his eyes from view, and they're probably saying far more than he wants them to right now. "I'm sorry it has to be like this. Just... I'm sorry."

Gamzee reaches up blindly to press his fingers to Equius' lip-- inside of his nose, ah no, there's his lips, Gamzee got this. "Shoosh, babe, hush your speaking. Ain't nothing what you got to be taking responsibility at. It isn't your fuckin' fault."

Equius snorts a little when Gamzee's fingers go inside his nose, but then he clears them and it's all okay again. Except for how it's not okay, and even now he's painfully aware of how the clock is winding down. No matter what Gamzee says, he knows that this is his fault, that it's his fault for not working harder, for not learning how to control himself, and he sighs deeply and doesn't answer.

When no answer comes, Gamzee squirms out from underneath Equius' chin --though very much without breaking the hold of his arms around him-- so he can push up and look him in the eyes. "Hey, come on, man. I'm being for serious here. This ain't on you at all, aight? I got no harshness what to be feeling at you."

"I know you don't." Which somehow makes it worse, because Equius is pretty sure it is all on him.

"Can we just... hold each other? Please?" They have the rest of their lives to hash out the details of Equius' STRENGTH; they only have a few more minutes of being able to touch each other without fear.

Luckily Gamzee isn't the argumentative sort. And really, he couldn't deny Equius anything. With a little nod, he then leans forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Equius' neck, rubbing his cheek against his for a moment as he embraces him.

Equius clings tightly, his arms wrapped around Gamzee's back and one of his legs thrown up and over the back of his. He turns his head to hide his face in Gamzee's hair... just for a moment, and then he's back to watching the clock slowly tick down. Only a few minutes left where he can safely hold him, and then it's back to waiting for another curse, and hoping it will take his STRENGTH away.

Gamzee leans into his arms, lightly kneading one of his shoulders with his fingers. He honestly has no intention of arguing. Harsh words and making people think differently than they are already doing are not his style. People gotta feel how they wanna feel, after all. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have something he wants to set down here. It comes out a bit muffle, mostly because of the way he is leaning into the embrace, but clear enough. "You know I dig you no matter what, right? Whether you got your strong thing going down or not."

"I know." And he does know, but that doesn't make this any easier. He knows Gamzee will be patient and wait for him to get better control over himself, but that doesn't change the fact that he wants to touch him now, not sweeps and sweeps in the future. He hasn't asked Darkleer yet how old he was when he was safely able to touch others, because a part of him is terrified about what the answer might be. What if he won't be able to touch Gamzee again until he's ten sweeps? Or fifteen? Or twenty? He's still young enough that the sheer length of his highblooded lifespan hasn't really sunk in yet.

Although really, it's all a moot point. He's only here, in Gamzee's arms, by the grace of Vatheon, and who knows when that might all be taken away?

He glances at the clock. One minute to midnight, and he gives a great, shuddering sigh, squeezing Gamzee one last time before uncoiling his arms and letting them rest on the bed.

Gamzee feels the last squeeze and then the way Equius goes limp underneath him. He doesn't have to ask about the time, he gets it. And even if he didn't, the fact that it is all over is made all too clear a minute later when with a quick flash of their marks everything goes back to normal. It's weird how that goes. One moment he's sitting there in the comfiest jammies with the most baller codpiece --he's gonna miss that little bro-- and then suddenly the next it is back to whatever old stuff he was wearing before the curse. One moment Equius can still touch him and then suddenly that is all over too.

It even leaves Gamzee a little stunned and at a loss for words.

Equius feels it too, and while he's happy to be back in his own clothing--sleeves are the devil's work, he will take this to his grave--the rush of STRENGTH back into his body is just a reminder of all the things he can't do any longer.

He gives a watery sigh and turns his face away from Gamzee, swallowing manfully and happy for the shades that hide his eyes. "I'm sorry..."

He knows he doesn't have to apologize, but he can't help it.

Gamzee pushes up, sitting up to face Equius. His brows are a little furrowed, drawn together, his eyes just a tad sad. A little, yes, on account of losing the ability to be touched because no one can say how being touched and hugged isn't the best thing in the world, but mostly at seeing Equius so downhearted. His hands slide up, patting his shoulders for a moment, before moving up higher to touch his cheek.

"Hey, it's okay. No need for that, aight?" There isn't any fairness to Equius apologizing. It is not like it is his fault. Gamzee knows him; he knows that if he could, Equius would. Holding shit against your best motherfuckers what be far outta their control... that just don't seem right to Gamzee. It'd be like expecting Karkat to apologize for having red blood or being short. That's just crazy talk.

While it might not seem right to Gamzee, holding things against other trolls is pretty much a tenement of being a blueblood, and Equius fully expects Gamzee to just get sick of him one day because they can't touch and wander off. Intellectually, he knows that won't happen, but that doesn't change how it affects his emotions.

He lifts one hand, like he wants to put it over Gamzee's on his cheek, then drops it limply back onto the bed. He has a feeling that if he tries to say anything, he'll either apologize again or (even worse) tear up, so he stays quiet, looking determinedly at the wall and trying to control the maelstrom in his chest.

Gamzee simply watches him, before making a move to tuck some of his long (eternally just slightly moist hair, seriously all that sweat) hair behind one ear. "You want me to call Nepeta?"

Sometimes. Sometimes you just need your palest motherfucker there for you, and Gamzee got nothing against that. He is a troll after all, even if he has no interest in half of their quadrants. But he still gets that each quadrant fulfils a different need, and sometimes what you need is a moirail and not a matesprit.

"Yes. No. I... I don't know." Really, he doesn't. Nepeta would be good. So would Darkleer, ancestor or chocobo, he's not picky. But none would be as good as being able to touch Gamzee again.

Equius turns his head a little when Gamzee tucks his hair behind his ear, and the motion makes his glasses slip, exposing a glimmer of deeply sad eyes before he reaches up and pushes them back into place. Except he's had two weeks of not being STRONG, and he pushes them too hard, and they crack into two pieces and fall on either side of his head.

"You okay?" Gamzee isn't particularly bothered by Equius' glasses breaking. That is far too common place a scene for him to even start being surprised or startled by it. In fact, he has been the leading cause in a fair number of dead glasses. They are just... so fragile. And his clowny feet are so huge.

Glasses death is a pretty common occurrence in their hive, and while breaking yet another pair half makes Equius want to cry, the other half of him is irritated, and that's the half that he embraces. Anger is an easier emotion than sadness.

"I'm fine," he grumbles, looking askance at the broken shades. "You'd think I'd be able to figure out a way to make these thing indestructible, but no. I can build a replacement lower body, complete with wiggling toes, but I can't make a pair of glasses that won't break."

Gamzee gives a little shrug. Both building a pair of glasses and building a robot body are not exactly things he understands or wishes to. "Maybe like glasses are just all more fuckin' complex? It's cool, man. Can't expect a motherfucker to be able to up and do everything."

Under normal circumstances, Equius would agree with that statement, bitch a little more, and then move on. But under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have just lost his ability to touch Gamzee, and being reminded of that, even accidentally, pushes him over the edge.

He turns his head away, his face screwing up as he fights breaking down. "I k-know..."

"Equius..." He sorta lets that trail off. He doesn't need to ask whether Equius is okay or not, he can see that plenty. But he doesn't really know what to do to fix it. Maybe he should go get Nepeta for him? He knows hanging with Karkat always makes him feel better when he is feeling really down.

Shuffling a little closer, he strokes his hair behind his ear again. "Hey, it's gonna be okay, okay? You just fuckin' see. You know I got a true motherfuckin' feel at these kinda things."

For once, Equius actually doesn't want Nepeta around. She would want to hug him, and climb on him, and while that's normally fine, today it would just remind him that he can't hug her back.

No, he needs someone--or something--that can he can touch, someone he can put his arms around and who won't judge him, and won't get hurt by it either.

He sniffs, still fighting tears, before looking back up at Gamzee. "Can you... go get Darkleer?" Pause. "The bird. Not Dadleer."

"Sure, yeah." He is already pushing up from the bed, getting to his feet, before he pauses, realizing something. Darkleer... kinda got big. He's a pretty big bird right now. And still quite the feathery asshole. Darkleer doesn't really let them bring the chocobos into the house anymore for good reason. Not since the dinner table incident.

God the dinner table incident.

And okay, Gamzee isn't exactly Mr rule-bound. He'd totally defy the rules to get Darkleer (the chocobo not the ancestor) to Equius if it'd make him happy, but honestly... the stairs. How would he ever get that chocobo up the stairs. Someone might get hurt. Stairs are pretty dangerous.

"Hey, like... maybe it'd be better if you'd fuckin' come with me? We can go to the yard." You know, and that way keep the one bird tornado out of their house.

It's true, the last thing they need is another dinner table incident. Darkleer the ancestor still side-eyes them over that.

"Okay." Equius slides off the bed, moving with deliberately slow, careful movements. He almost looks like he's aged seven hundred sweeps in a matter of moments, but really, he's just trying desperately not to break anything. He manages to get to his feet without incident, and then stands there, his head down and his hair hanging in his face. Gamzee is between him and the door, and he has to wait for him to move.

To be fair, never in Gamzee's wildest dreams --and they got pretty wild sometimes-- he would ever have guessed a chocobo could do that to a table. Or a chair.

Lets not even talk about what happened to the fruit bowl.

"Aight, there we go, motherfucker." Gamzee goes first, opening the door --and leaving it wide open for Equius; even though by now all the doors in their house are reinforced, it is still habit-- all the way through the house to the back-door, throwing that one open too and stepping into the night's air. Due to the nature of Vatheon, the night isn't really particularly chiller than the day, but the darkness adds something to it all.

Edited 2013-04-06 04:38 (UTC)

That poor fruit bowl. Equius still gets Vietnam-like flashbacks.

As soon as he sees them come into the backyard, Darkleer starts kicking up his usual ruckus, kwehing and warking and flapping his wings, stirring up lots of dust and sending dozens of blue feathers into the air. Once a feathery asshole, always a feathery asshole.

[For all his negative qualities, however, Darkleer is still very aware of Equius' moods, and the bird calms down immediately as Equius approaches. He stands perfectly still as his troll puts his arms around his neck and just holds on to him, only moving to duck his head and rub his beak on Equius' shoulder.

Edited (gtfo, brackets, and gtfo, wrong icon) 2013-04-06 10:30 (UTC)

There is probably a reason why they don't have neighbours and that reason has blue feathers and way too much attitude.

Gamzee watches Equius wrap his arms around the giant chocobo, deciding not to intrude. Instead he just sits down at the end of the porch, stretching out his long legs in front of him, and idly wriggling his toes. He'll wait. He's got patience.

Equius spends a good amount of time with his arms around Darkleer, talking quietly to him and telling him all the things that only a chocobo can understand. Darkleer, for his part, listens attentively, adding in the occasional wark and sometimes preening Equius' hair with his beak, but otherwise being exceptionally well behaved.

See? He can be a good bird, when the situation calls for it!

Eventually, Equius lets him go and comes back to the porch, sitting next to Gamzee. "Thanks."

Gamzee doesn't even think about it, reaching up casually to toss his arm around Equius' shoulders. Maybe if he would've put a moment of thought into it he might have realized that his casual touches just underline the situation for Equius, but really, he just doesn't think about stuff like that.

"It's our feather bro what you gotta be thanking here, man, not me. I ain't done a motherfuckin' thing."

It might emphasize how Equius can't touch, but at least one of them can instigate things. If Gamzee was standoffish and stingy with the affection, who knows if they would have lasted.

"Hold still, please." Very, very carefully, Equius rests his head on Gamzee's shoulder.

Gamzee holds still until Equius has his head against his shoulder, before he moves his arm, sliding his hand up to bury it in Equius' hair. His voice drops a little, softer, clearly trying for comforting.

"Hey, it's gonna be okay, aight? I know it will."

Equius grunts. He wishes he had Gamzee's optimism, and maybe after a few days, when the hurt isn't so raw, he will. Right now though, all he can think about are all the things they won't be able to do any longer.

"I hope you're right." He sighs. "Thanks. Again. For waiting."

"No biggie, man, no biggie." He shifts a little turning his head to press a kiss to Equius' cheek. "Ain't no motherfucker but you what gets me feeling all fuckin' pumped up as I do. That's a true miracle, you get. Miracles are all like meant to be waited on sometimes."

"Mmmm." Equius turns his head a fraction and kisses Gamzee's shoulder. "I'm going to keep working. And practicing. I'm going to do everything I can to make that miracle happen sooner."

Gosh, Equius, you sound just like the animes.

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♑ ♥ ♐ | You are my strong tower

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i just wanted to use my new icon

that's a pretty sweet icon, ngl

fucking panty hat, perfect

just don't steal any of Equius' panties for hats, okay

What does he really want Gamzee stealing someone else's panties?

how does he even get them over his horns? important questions

clearly he streeeetches them wide.

/swoon

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