vatheon | packaged just isn't as good as fresh

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packaged just isn't as good as fresh

Who: Karkat and Equius. (Possibly Gamzee later?)
Where: The Makara-Zahhak hive.
When: Morning.
Style: Action.
Status: Closed.

[The thing about curses is that the rest of life doesn't stop just because one is happening. Well, okay, sometimes things do get put on hold due to the difficulty imposed by a certain thing happening. Not all regular tasks can be done if you're stuck in the body of a cat, for instance. But this week, Karkat still has all his thumbs and his senses, his scale and his capabilities; he just has distracting brightness and an appetite for blood on top. He can't call in to work just because he's a ~~womper~~ ~~vampire~~ rainbow drinker for the week, and indeed he hasn't done so yet. He's not going to, either.]

[The thing now isn't that he's got a shift tonight, but that it comes after a good chunk of the week since he fed. He's not worried that he'll hurt the customers! It hasn't been that long, and he's far from wracked with the kind of hunger that would make him attack a stranger. Besides, there's a stage before that Kanaya warned him about: indiscriminate flirting.]

[Without any sign before it happens.]

[There are many embarrassments Karkat has gone through in his life, but hitting on hapless video store patrons in hopes of scoring a meal is not one he wants to add. Instead, though he hates to do it, he's swallowed his pride to suffer a different one.]

ALL HOPES OF JOY STAND AS A FLAMING WRECK BEFORE ME
THE SURROUNDING VILLAGE NOTHING BUT CHARRED RUINS, PITTED OF ALL GOODS, VALUABLES, AND TRINKETS OF EVEN THE SLIGHTEST WORTH.
CHILDREN TREMBLE IN THE STREETS WEEPING OVER SUCH MERCILESS DESTRUCTION.
UPON THIS LAND WILL LIE A CURSE OF FOUL BACK HATRED FOR A THOUSAND, THOUSAND SWEEPS.
EQUIUS HORSEFUCKER ZAHHAK
I SWEAR TO YOU ON MY UNDEAD GLEAMING SOUL THAT SOMEDAY, EVEN AFTER MY RETURN TO MORTAL LIFE, I WILL FIND A WAY TO PAY BACK THIS ATROCITY WITH INTEREST AND THEN SOME.
BUT FOR NOW
IF MY HUMBLE REQUEST IS SUFFICIENT ENOUGH TO PLACATE YOUR WHIMS, MAY I PLEASE FEED ON ONE OF THE BLOOD BAGS IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR.

[That is to say, he finally sends Equius a message about that "offer". An encrypted one, mind! Yes, encrypted: a girl called Ed gave him a handy program for such purposes for Christmas. Not that... he's mastered using it, but it's better than what he could do on his own. For now, he just hopes his request is enough. He even used the snooty blueblood term for thermal hull! That has to count for something.]

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[This is pretty much the best Christmas/Twelveth Perigree's Eve present Equius has ever gotten.]

[He takes a screenshot of it, then backs up the file in several different places, including in RoboEquius' hard-drive. The robot doesn't particularly appreciate that, but he doesn't care; this is too good to ever lose. Then he forwards it to Darkleer, just because it's funny, and he thinks his ancestor will appreciate it. He draws the line, though, at sending it to Dirk; Dirk is a bro, but he's human, and humans have a hard time understanding black romance, he's noticed.]

D --> I want to hear you say it

[It's a good thing Karkat almost never speaks to Darkleer. If there's any hope for his pride to ever resurface, this won't be the thing to change that. The poor thing's taking enough wounds as it is.]

FUCK YOU TEN TIMES WITH A RUSTED INDUSTRIAL SCREWDRIVER!

[He wants to hear him say it? After all his efforts to stick to text this week? Well, okay, Equius would surely hear his speech troubles once they met up in person. But now, to have to repeat the request verbally? That's a low blow.]

[He switches to audio anyway, and finds gratitude for the one mercy that he didn't request to see.]

If my humble request is sufficient enough to placate your whims, may I please feed on one of the blood bags in your refrigerator?

[The request is grated out, every word reinforced with a solid framework of wrath and indignation, restrained though they may be from their usual expressions. At the same time, there is a most conspicuous care paid to his enunciation. He wants every word to be clear as it can be.]

[Shame that it's still not good enough to hide the lisp.]

[Just when he thought it couldn't get any better... it suddenly did. Not only did he cooperate, but now Equius knows why he was sticking to text so heavily this week.]

[He switches to audio himself, and though he doesn't mention the lisp, the smug, condescending tone in his voice, fitting for the Empress herself, says it all.]

I suppose I could allow that.

[Karkat outright growls to hear the way arrogance drips from Equius's tone. If there were ever a time he wished he could punch him over the network... Okay, he wishes that a lot, but he wishes it especially in this moment. Maybe he'll try it later, after he's fed, if he's still angry enough then.]

[(Who are we kidding, anger level isn't the issue.)]

Fine. I'll head over.

[No S's there! He shuts his SFC off immediately after.]

[The whole trip over is spent cursing himself mentally that this is currently the best option he has. Are there others willing? Sure they are. But with Eridan his first source, he doesn't want to weaken him by a second feeding. Gamzee poses the problem of his current blood color, making other options attractive. Sollux... Sollux he hasn't spoken to since that last argument. At least this, degrading as it has been to request, avoids the sweat he'd have to taste in feeding on Equius normally. He somehow doubts he'd comply easily with that, anyway.]

[The trip doesn't take long. Karkat, even the good hive guest, announces his presence by a series of banging knocks against the door.]

[If Equius wasn't making Karkat want to punch him through the SFC, he wouldn't be a very good kismesis, would he?]

[Equius only makes him wait a few moments--probably like five--before he answers the door, and he looms in the frame, positively filling it with shoulders that are getting more and more like Darkleer's everyday, and smirks down at Karkat.]

Hello, Vantas. How doeth thith day find you?

[Oh yes... he went there.]

[Exactly. Of course he makes him wait too, because it's not like he had reason to expect him after that conversation, is it? If not for knowing the door must be reinforced to handle his use, Karkat would kick it in as punishment. He scowls up (definitely up) at him when he finally opens it.]

[He outright growls to be greeted in such a way.]

With my foot up your waste chute if you don't move it! Go on! Back up, let me in, I've got feeding to do.

[Equius sniffs and looks down his nose at Karkat, every inch the regal, aloof highblood.]

That doesn't sound like the kind of troll I want to share my blood with. Uncouth, rude little vermin don't have access to my refrigerator. I suggest you change your tone.

I already asked you nicely! Twice!

[Or "twithe", as it comes out. He is loathing this lisp so much.]

You're not going to get it out of me a third time, not when you already agreed to let me come over for this.

Say sassafras, then.

[Equius crosses his arms over his chest to block the door further. Even if Karkat manages to bully past him, he's got RoboEquius and Darkleer the chocobo guarding the refrigerator.]

[Karkat snarls through bared, clenched teeth. The glow of him just has to accentuate them. He could just say it and be let on inside--if there aren't any more indignities waiting along the way. He could also refuse here and make the request of Gamzee after all. But wouldn't that be the weak way out? Still, he doesn't just want to submit to Equius like it means nothing.]

Thatha-fuck-you and let me through already. Does it really bring you that much joy to hear me trip over words that you have to hold me up here like a two-sweep-old who just learned how to troll?

[Equius cracks a wicked grin at that, then steps aside so Karkat can get in.]

Yes.

[He'd draw if out further, but he figures Karkat would probably leave or call in reinforcements (ie, Gamzee) if he did. Besides, watching him glower and rage while also glowing so cheerfully is extra funny.]

[Karkat sighs, exaggerated and exasperated, and stomps on in past Equius. He doesn't wait for direction; he's been here far more than enough times to know where the kitchen is, and that's putting aside whether Phanga houses have the shared layouts.]

Lousy pain in the nook, wasting my time, making this whole damn thing more difficult than it needs to be. If you ever need something from me after this I am going to make you jump through fucking hoops just to get it. It'll be a full-on three ring circus worthy of Gamzee's shitty clown religion by the time it's done.

[He just hopes there won't be anymore difficulty for himself from here.]

[Oh please. They both know that if Equius didn't make this as difficult as possible, Karkat would end up disappointed, much like Equius will be if this three-ring circus of inconvenience doesn't transpire sometime in the future.]

[Equius follows him into the kitchen, waving away RoboEquius and the chocobo. The robot rolls his eyes and drags the bird away.]

I highly doubt I'll ever need anything from the likes of you. I'm far more self-sufficient than you are.

What are they doing here?

[He jabs a thumb at RoboEquius and choco-Darkleer, but passes a glance to Equius himself. So long as they're leaving, that's fine, but he's still curious.]

[And it's true; the hassle is half the point.]

Pshht. You're the one who went out of your way to send me pictures of the damn things. If anything, it's you who wants to be relied on. How does that make you look, helping out the guy you hate? And don't think I won't remember what you said. If it turns out you ever do need my help, I'll drive it in that much more how you've fallen to asking.

[Now, though, he'll head over to the fridge and look inside. The blood should be where it was before, right?]

Making sure you don't trash the place.

[Actually, RoboEquius was the bouncer; choco-Darkleer just invited himself along.]

[Eye. ROLL.]

Obviously I hate you, immensely and STRONGly. This isn't about reliance; it's about debt. The way I see it, I'm offering you my blood, which I didn't have the do, and you're accepting it. That means you owe me. [A pause to smirk pointedly.] And doesn't that thought just drive you crazy?

[The blood is in the same place, tucked behind a few bottles of Faygo.]

Debt denied. I don't owe you a damn thing because I don't care enough to pay you back for something you made it a hassle to even get from you. The heat death of the universe itself will come and go before I repay you for a single drop of this.

[He waves an upturned middle finger back at him without looking. Instead, having spotted the blood, he ducks in. Move this, nudge that aside--got it. He pulls back with a bag in hand.]

Now, can I sit down on one of the chairs, or are you going to be a demanding wriggler about that, too?

But you'll know. For the rest of time, you'll know that you actually asked your kismesis to do something nice for you, and he delivered.

[Equius waves vaguely at the chairs.]

Go ahead.

[Most magnanimous highblood, it is him.]

You're still the one who offered in the first place, so don't act like I wheedled this out of you. Again, when you all but told me to give up with as much of a pulsating bulge pustule you were being about the whole thing.

[He jabs a finger at him. With the chairs free to sit in, though, he sets aside that argument to pull one out and take a seat. Now... the blood bag. He looks it over a bit. Eventually, not all that interested in figuring out how to open it the right way, he pinches the most likely tube and bites the end off. That end he then tosses at Equius. He can catch it and throw it away if he's got issue, right?]

[Karkat does pause before drinking.]

... This is fucking weird.

[But he puts his mouth back to the tube, unpinches his fingers, and sips.]

[It's not a moment before he blinks, eyebrows drawing in. He even pulls away to look at the bag, but... Okay, another sip...]

[He pulls back again.]

What did you do to it?

[Equius catches the tube piece deftly, and pockets it for later. He's more interested in watching Karkat deal with that blood bag than in being tidy right now. He's pretty sure that watching your kismesis drink a bag of your blood is a pretty unique experience.]

[Not sure if hot...]

What do you mean, what'd I do to it?!

[Karkat glares at him now, eyes narrowing in outright suspicion. He's still holding the bag, and one further sip to test does not change it.]

You watered it down and put in food coloring to trick me into thinking it's normal, didn't you? Either that or your blood naturally tastes like crap, and I no longer know why I went through the effort to even get at it. This is bland. If Eridan's blood was a nice sub sandwich, then this is a stale piece of bread.

I didn't do anything to it!

[Ungrateful little brat, that's even a fresh batch from this morning!]

And if you think it tastes bad, then clearly you have no palate. That is among the richest blood you can find, here or anywhere else, and you should be grateful I offered to share it with you!

Then it's your blood that sucks, and being the whiniest squeal out of a reeking waste chute you can isn't going to make it any better. You don't get to tell me my palate sucks when I'm the rainbow drinker here! I think I know full well what my tongue tells me; and right now, it's that if I drank all this, it would be food, but I'd still wish I had something better.

I should have gone to Gamzee, or Nepeta.

[Or maybe swallowed his pride and gone to Sollux after all.]

This whole endeavor was a waste of time, and I'm not just going to sit here and drink down this bag of putrefied scum like it's what I wanted!

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