Zelos Wilder (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chosen_gigolo) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
vatheon2012-11-02 11:49 am
chosen_gigolo) wrote in vatheon2012-11-02 11:49 am
Entry tags:
No matter how far we come, our parents are always in us
Who: Zelos Wilder and Sheena Fujibayashi
Where: The casino/hotel, some random room.
When: Friday night, after the fairies have melted into ghosts
Status: Closed
Warning: Suicidal talk
As I said before, you never should have been born.
[The words are said almost lovingly, hanging in the air and crystallizing there, along with the others. And she's said so many others.
Zelos remains as he has all week, prone on the floor, back against the end of the hotel bed, eyes glassy and unseeing. A thin blonde woman sits poised on the bed behind him, her perfect lips drawn into a vague smile and her hand periodically running through Zelos' hair despite the gaping, dripping hole in her torso. To any onlooker the room would seem untouched save for the two figures of Zelos and the blonde, but to Zelos' gaze the floor is soaked with snow and blood, the sheets stained and spotted red. And it's all his fault.
Simply because he exists.]
You really have no worth. You couldn't complete your duty as Chosen, you couldn't save me, or anyone. All you ever do is hurt others. Hurt the ones who love you the most.
[Her fingers continue to stroke, voice calm and placid as ever. Zelos doesn't move.]
They all hate you, behind those petty words and smiles. I'm the only one who ever loved you and yet look what you did to me.
[Her face relaxes further, falling into a benign expression as she looks down at the redhead on the floor, the temperature of the room dropping another few degrees.]
You have no worth to anyone. You shouldn't even be alive.
[Zelos' mouth moves slightly in a lifeless murmured response, barely audible over the ambient noise of air moving through the bubble.]
...yes, Mother.
Where: The casino/hotel, some random room.
When: Friday night, after the fairies have melted into ghosts
Status: Closed
Warning: Suicidal talk
As I said before, you never should have been born.
[The words are said almost lovingly, hanging in the air and crystallizing there, along with the others. And she's said so many others.
Zelos remains as he has all week, prone on the floor, back against the end of the hotel bed, eyes glassy and unseeing. A thin blonde woman sits poised on the bed behind him, her perfect lips drawn into a vague smile and her hand periodically running through Zelos' hair despite the gaping, dripping hole in her torso. To any onlooker the room would seem untouched save for the two figures of Zelos and the blonde, but to Zelos' gaze the floor is soaked with snow and blood, the sheets stained and spotted red. And it's all his fault.
Simply because he exists.]
You really have no worth. You couldn't complete your duty as Chosen, you couldn't save me, or anyone. All you ever do is hurt others. Hurt the ones who love you the most.
[Her fingers continue to stroke, voice calm and placid as ever. Zelos doesn't move.]
They all hate you, behind those petty words and smiles. I'm the only one who ever loved you and yet look what you did to me.
[Her face relaxes further, falling into a benign expression as she looks down at the redhead on the floor, the temperature of the room dropping another few degrees.]
You have no worth to anyone. You shouldn't even be alive.
[Zelos' mouth moves slightly in a lifeless murmured response, barely audible over the ambient noise of air moving through the bubble.]
...yes, Mother.
no subject
And then that moment where she remembered Zelos had run off to save his sister or die trying.
If this thing was capitalizing on fear, or weakness, or whatever it was, Sheena was more than glad she'd not been hit by it. She couldn't imagine what it would show her, with how afraid she was of, and of how much. If she'd...
New thought.
Lloyd, with everything that's happened, is probably having it tough if he isn't one of the lucky ones to escape it. But he has Colette and Kratos to protect and comfort him; she doesn't need to be there. It's between that, that instant of gut-dropping fear being so prominent in her memories this week, and knowing Zelos well enough to be absolutely certain that he was just going to go be stupid and be by himself or something equally dumb if he's been hit by this curse that her attention is so firmly rooted on the redhead. Idiot Chosen.
She asked someone at the host club if he'd seen Zelos, but no dice; he did, at least, mention that he'd been kind of looking around a bit on Wednesday to at least clear a few places off the list. Nice guy, kind of reminded her of Regal in a few ways save for being tanner and blond, but the comparison's fleeting with her already rushing off to take advantage of the truncated list. It still takes a while to get everywhere, even with her running and avoiding everyone she might possibly run into (ninja training is useful), and by the time she stops to catch her breath, her fairy's melted away. Damn.
She doesn't stop looking.
It pays off, eventually; looking in somewhere, getting the answer she wants, Sheena stands at the door with her fists at her sides. If he's hiding, she reasons, then he's probably experiencing whatever this curse is. It's never really occurred to her to wonder what it is Zelos might be afraid of, but she's convinced this isn't how she wanted to find out.
Her voice is a little unsure, even with her usual anger in place.]
Zelos Wilder, get out here!
[It can't be that bad, right? This is Zelos! He's probably been so absent because he's spending his time darting from place to place, or playing things up, or it's just not that bad at all. Probably just doesn't want people to hear him yelping at it every night. Or something! Stupid Chosen. She'll have to beat him soundly for making her worry over nothing.
Her head's running on contradictions.]
no subject
Sheena.
Detached, he wonders why it has to be her. Why it has to be anyone, really. She must need something, or be angry at him. Probably the latter, she's always angry. They all hate him, after all, she's merely the only one courageous enough to show it.
It's why he's always liked Sheena. She's blunt, honest to a fault. Tells things like they are instead of the idealistic bullcrap he hears from everyone else. She's not afraid to tell him he's terrible.]
Don't be rude.
[His mother's calm yet somehow menacing command pulls Zelos to his feet, sending him stumbling for the door. He opens it only a crack, but even that's enough for Sheena to feel the biting chill of the room and see a sliver of Zelos' uncommonly haggard face. So tired, so worn.
So utterly hopeless.]
I'm busy.
[It's all he can do to muster even that much, the pitiful protest with the last of his endurance, but he can feel something snap even in those two words and knows there is no way Sheena will leave, not with just that.
Behind him, out of view, the apparition smiles, her face a graceful wicked mask.]
no subject
There's no way she's leaving, now. ]
Yeah? Well too bad.
[She's blunt, yes, but she's also a coward. She's a coward because she hides from the truth, from getting hurt, and she's a coward because she doesn't want to find out what would happen if she leaves him like this. It's selfishness that has her pushing at the door, too; he can't be too busy for her when he looks like that. Not doing anything important, anyway, so he's definitely got the time to spare for her if he's not spending it on himself. He makes everything about himself such an event that being anything but (in his eyes) perfect is unsettlingly strange. He should have started this with some sort of stupid coy remark about her visiting him in a place like this, should've teased her and pissed her off and made her storm away.
She's just as bad as he is, making this all about her. And she's not sure if that's what makes her stomach turn or if maybe it's the fact that it's not just selfishness and cowardice compelling her, that maybe calling it that's just the easy way out.
Maybe she's just as afraid of what's already happened as what could happen to the flamboyant Chosen of Tethe'alla.]
I hope whatever poor girl you've got in there with you is ready to run!
[Because maybe that could...
...She knows better, but it's easier to tell herself that's the reason, at least for right now.]
no subject
He casts a glance back at the bed, the ghost of his mother still sitting there, smiling and bleeding and representing every little thing that's gone wrong in his life. Everything that's his fault. Every reason why he shouldn't be standing here but should be six feet under instead.
His gaze trains on the floor when he speaks again, still not opening the door wide enough to allow Sheena any kind of decent view inside. His voice is soft, still tired, and utterly without animation.]
What do you want, Sheena?
[That's the only reason she could have to come find him, right? Because she wants something. To us him for something. And that's fine, that's his only worth anyway, only he's certain that whatever it is he'll mess that up too.]
Now you're beginning to understand.
[His mother responds to his thoughts, tilting her head with a pleasant smile as if she'd just praised him. He closes his eyes and bows his head, unaware that Sheena had only been able to hear his words, not hers.]
no subject
So it catches Sheena completely off when he... doesn't seem to perk up or tease her, still. Even if she's wrong (which she's pretty sure she is, and that was a stupid claim to make in the first place), he'd tease her about being jealous, right? Surprise settles over her features, confusion joining it, with him focused on the floor. With him sounding this dead. This can't be Zelos. In that state, she half-mumbles an echo to his question, voice not quite working right; what's going on? Even if he wasn't happy to see her in the least, that should have been a little snippier. Catty. She'd take catty over this. Over emptiness.
But it's that submissive shift that prompts her to slam her shoulder into the door. Sheena isn't sure what Zelos' grip on it is like, not entirely, but she puts all her weight behind that move. If he's just going to stand there and do whatever this is, he's going to do it inside and facing her directly. Not through some wimpy little crack. There is so much wrong with this, so much that's just... wrong. She doesn't even have the full picture, yet, and it's already at that point where she wants to shake him until he stops being like this. She labels her driving force "anger", and sets aside anything that might question that.]
For you to tell me what the Hell is wrong with you!
[And maybe if she does hurt him with the door, somehow, it'll take the edge off and he'll be jarred out of this, whatever it is.]
no subject
Just another thing he can't do right. He can't even feel things correctly.
He wipes the blood from his face slowly, deliberately, bruises already slowly starting to blossom on either side of his nose. Yet still his voice is listless and flat, the short laugh he gives possessed of no mirth whatsoever.]
Everything. Pretty much everything you ever said.
[He looks at her directly for the first time with those glazed eyes.]
Idiot! Jerk! Useless! Coward! Drop dead!
[The words come from the woman on the bed's mouth but in Sheena's voice. Echoes of past argument, past conflict, and still only audible to Zelos. The blonde crosses her hands primly in her lap when the epithets have been spoken, smiling again in that halcyon way.]
You've always been right about me.
no subject
He's not allowed to do this.
But everything stops because he speaks again and looks at her, and Sheena can feel the blood drain from her face and the chill run down her spine.
That look is no better than the blank, dead eyes of the "lifeless" angels in Welgaia, but it's so much more terrifying on a living being.
It's even more terrifying on Zelos.
Zelos is... Is bright, flamboyant, flashy, obnoxious, and a pain in the ass, not... Not like this. She's seen him falter, seen him on the run, seen him face death because he's stupid and so was she, but...]
Wh-what? No!
[Her reach for his clothing shifts from something borne from anger to something desperate, trying to find some kind of stability because this isn't right. It's not something she thought she'd ever need to go over with Zelos because he seems to just take it and grin anyway, but him telling her she's right just seems like the worst possible turn of things.]
You--You make me angry so I say stuff! That's what everyone does when they're mad!
[Her pride--stubborn, stubborn pride--makes it hard to say anything further, makes it hard to say that she isn't always right when she says those things. But this is Zelos, and... and why would he be acting like this? She can't think of anything, and this is just too much to be a joke, much as she wishes it could be now that this is completely in her face.]
What's going on, Zelos?
[Since asking what's wrong with him clearly isn't the thing to ask.]
no subject
[There's a note of gratefulness in his even tone. He's glad that she, at least, can tell him the truth. Has told him the truth all this time. He's simply finally ready to acknowledge it after the quiet words of his mother, words his head's told him she would say all these years if she had lived but had never confirmed until now.
He lets Sheena grab him, making no move to stop her, not even when the duster digs into his shoulders from the tension. He just looks resigned, as if this is all predetermined, that her rough treatment is deserved and even welcomed.]
I know now, it's okay. No one has to pretend anymore.
[And maybe it's a small relief to know they all hate him, that he doesn't have to wonder if it's true anymore. He knows. He knows it in his bones, not just from his mother's words but all along, everything had pointed to it he was just too frightened to admit it, too wrapped up in his own selfish cowardice clinging to life to realize just how much pain he caused everyone around him.]
I know everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I'm sorry, this is the best I can do here.
Hiding like a coward.
[He winces at the words, still heard only in his head, but he turns his head toward the apparition anyway, bowed in submission yet still held in place by Sheena.]
no subject
And she can feel the upheaval that wants to wrack her from head to toe, the tightening of that tangling and all she wants to do is shout and scream and tell him that he's out of his mind for thinking like that. What would they be pretending? That they liked him? Why would they lie about it?! She opens her mouth to start running it at him, telling him off because where is he coming up with this crap, but he winces and at first she thinks her grip's too tight--not that she's going to let go, but it makes her still, makes her pay more attention to the state of the room.
Makes her see the woman perched serenely on the bed.
There'd been rumours floating around about Zelos' mother. If her appearance coincides with this sudden... insanity, then...
Sheena's grip tightens further on the pink fabric clutched in her fists, shaking the redhead once. She bows her head, gaze focusing somewhere distant as she tries to figure out just what to say. What she comes up with isn't exactly helpful.]
What has she said?
[Sheena can only hope what this turns out can at least get Zelos to quit acting like this.]
no subject
I should have been the one to die.
[His voice is no longer flat; there's so much behind it now. Despair, remorse, guilt. His eyes remain trained on his mother's ghost, unable to meet Sheena's gaze. He's not sure what will happen if he does. Something will break, he's vaguely certain. He's barely holding it together as it is and if he looks at her it will shatter in a million pieces.]
It's a Chosen's role, but I was too much of a coward. I still am a coward.
[His tone evens out, still looking at his mother, gaze glazing over again.]
I did it you know. Here in Vatheon. I finally thought it would be over, but you know what? We can't die here. Not forever. Some would be happy but I was so...
[Mylene tilts her head and smiles, a gentle smile to urge Zelos into finishing, out of place with the gaping hole in her torso still seeping.]
...I didn't want to come back.
[He closes his eyes and waits for the blow he knows is coming.]
no subject
[The word's out before she can stop herself, and Sheena's almost embarrassed by the way her voice cracks. She shakes Zelos again, shaking her head vehemently even as she presses her forehead to his chest, refusing to let hopelessness at all of this settle in. What kind of nonsense was that?! It was stupid! For everything he's ever done, that's really the last thing Sheena would have ever expected him to say. And to be this... sure of it?
But he keeps going--and he just ends up frustrating her more. Shoulders and jaw tense, and she knows that's how the Chosen system worked, but that doesn't mean he should have died--they found out the purpose of the Chosen system and they toppled it so no one would have to die anymore! It wasn't right! This isn't right!
Sheena's throat doesn't work, giving him long enough to finish, at which point she snaps her head up and stares at him in horror. The grip she's kept on his clothes finally slackens, palms moving to press flat against his chest, fingertips at his collar.]
...Why?
[It's hoarse, her throat too tight to say much. She swallows, bowing her head again; he's not allowed to leave it like this, though. She... She probably should hit him, tell him he's being stupid, that this isn't who he is and that whatever curse is on them right now is behind everything, but she doesn't. She can't. Fingers curl into fabric again and Sheena raises her head, setting her jaw. Expecting an answer, and if it didn't satisfy her, then she'd hit him.
...But she's sure that there's nothing that he could possibly say that would make this alright.]
no subject
Because everyone would be better off. I'm no good. You've known that for years, told me so yourself. I have to wonder...
[Finally he looks at her, that round face, exotic and beautiful, full of strength, upturned towards him with her mouth set in a thin line and rich brown eyes searching, waiting for an answer he can't give. He knows what she wants, wants him to say it's all nothing, it's a hoax, a terrible joke, let her hit him as usual and walk away without the guilt he knows this sort of attitude makes others feel, the guilt at not being able to fix it, to help, to make it better.
But he's so far past that now. He's been long past it for years. Ever since that morning in the bloodstained snow.
The room grows cold enough Zelos can see his breath when he speaks next.]
I have to wonder why you've stuck around when all I've done is cause you pain.
[His gaze loses focus, looking through her into memories.]
Why did you agree to go with me...?
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If it does, it registers so distantly that she can't make sense of it. Better off? Better off!? Sheena opens her mouth, closes it, and glares. She's enraged, but that's... not the only thing written so plainly on her face. There's hurt and guilt and confusion and more sorrow than she'd really like to confess to. She can't even hope it's a hoax, now; there's no way he'd be that inconsiderate, that much of a jerk.
Sheena can't walk away from this. She knows she can't, even as fear begs her to run from it so she doesn't have to see Zelos like this.
This isn't Zelos.
This is something she can't stand.]
Because despite all the stupid things we've both done, you're still my friend!
[Why is it so cold? The bubble was supposed to have a set temperature, so this drop is just weird on top of already weird enough.
The second his focus leaves her, she grabs his chin with her left hand.]
Look at me.
[He is not allowed to go down this stupid self-pity and self-loathing path if she isn't. And she knows she isn't. This is just like when they were running Welgaia. Just this time, it isn't Seles talking to Zelos. It's... Sheena shakes her head, dark hair flying as she tries not to think about what this really means.]
I went with you because I wanted to, okay!? And... And I don't care what she's said to you, there's no reason you shouldn't have been born. Every life has value, remember? This includes yours!
[It had taken a while to come to the decision to follow him, but once she'd chosen that? She was glad she had. Both times. And the item she still keeps in her pocket burns where it sits in purple fabric, though it's just in her head.]
You went to go save Seles on your own. That matters. I went after you because I wanted you to come back from that!
no subject
[But that's just what he keeps doing, isn't it? Causing trouble, breaking things. Hearts, minds, people. How can she still call him friend? His entire life is a burden and she still-
She's supposed to be smarter than Lloyd. Lloyd's just like that, but Sheena sees the world for what it is and she still says friend.]
We're not friends.
[They can't be. Friendship is supposed to be an equivalent exchange but he sits there like a sponge and gives nothing back. He's selfish, he's terrible, he doesn't deserve it, he never deserved it.
His voice grows even more hushed, coming in puffs in the freezing air of the room and still not meeting her eyes.]
How were we ever friends?
[She's wrong. Lloyd's wrong. He should have given up in Welgaia with Seles sneering over him. His life has no value. All he breeds is misery.]
Why would you want me to come back?
no subject
[To be fair, she really doesn't help those situations where she's involved. She makes them worse, builds them up; it's not all his fault. To his benefit, she'll forgive him for being so disbelieving of her claim. She's hard to get along with because of how much she pushes people away, with how angry she gets--how defensive she gets. She lashes out. But she went with him when he was on the run. She enjoyed most of it--when they weren't being ambushed or dealing with the pitfalls of Zelos being chased by that cult.
Lloyd's a little dim in a lot of areas, but he knows what he's talking about when it comes to people. Sheena tries to keep people out, but sometimes they get the better of her anyway. She sees the world for what it is, but she also sometimes lets even the questionable ones into her heart. Zelos might be all those things, but friendship isn't something that's consciously established sometimes.
And he's not completely terrible.
Sheena pinches her shoulders to ward off the cold, both hands at the red-head's face to hold it in place. ]
I just said it's because you're my friend! Why else?! You have stupid moments, but so does everyone else! You're actually--
[Maybe it's the temperature of the room, but her face reddens.]
--not as awful a person as you seem to think you are!
[She knows she probably looks like some sort of weak, fussy woman--not like herself at all, saying that, but for once she doesn't exactly care. She'll refuse to admit she ever said something like that later, pretend none of this happened at all, even. But this crap has really got to stop, especially if it's been going on all week like this! Stupid Zelos!]
If I can't have the "I'm a screw up" pity party, then neither can you!
[It's a little surprising, even to her, that she isn't exactly shouting. It's more like talking emphatically. But she's cold and he's winding down, and what she does next she does without really thinking about it. Arms wind tight around his neck and shoulders, an arm coming up to brace the back of his head with her palm.
She'll blame the cold later, probably. It's all because of the cold.]
Don't be stupid if you don't have to be.
no subject
But Zelos quiets. The embrace surprises him but he's far to exhausted to show it, to even argue. He feels too feeble, to weak, and instead of breaking away as he knows he should, he simply lowers his head to her shoulder, skin cold against her bare neck, and closes his eyes.]
We're both idiots.
[She's wrong, she so very very wrong, but he's too wrought and wrung out to care just now. All he registers is that she's warm, inviting, and not telling him he's a waste of space even if that's simple denial of the truth.
He could do with some denial right now.
Mylene Wilder's frown deepens as her son's hands tentatively encircle Sheena's waist and his shoulders sag in defeat.]
no subject
Yeah. We are. But it's okay.
[But she's smiling now, even if it's only a little bit. She's definitely been an idiot in her life; she'll probably be an idiot later, too. Zelos definitely will. Her arms tighten around him and she presses her cheek to the side of his head, chin against his shoulder. The summoner holds onto him, keeping him somewhere more welcoming than the chill of the room and the nightmare's gaze.]
Even idiots have their good qualities.
[It's still strange to her how easily this stuff is coming out. But when Zelos isn't being obnoxious or philandering, he's much easier to talk to. Kind of like, she thinks, when she's not being grouchy or defensive. Maybe that's just how he is when he's protecting himself. Especially with the way this thing looks.
Sheena turns her attention onto the apparition of Mylene, finally giving her the time of day. And she smiles at her, determined because if this is the cause of everything then she's going to spit in its face.]
You're still important, after all. People who don't realize that are the real idiots.
[...A beat passes.]
J-just don't let that get to your head!
[Such a graceful turn of words, but Sheena buries her face against Zelos' neck and shoulder, embarrassed and anxious laughter escaping in a short burst. But it's all short-lived because there's still more that needs to be done.]
...Zelos.
[Her fingers curl again into the fabric of his duster, the hand in his hair remaining relaxed in contrast. Her voice is smaller but steeled, and she inhales deeply before continuing. She really should leave well enough alone since he's starting to calm down, but she can't... help but feel like it won't fix anything if they just run away. It's never worked before.]
Why would...
[Teeth grit together and Sheena shoots the apparition a dirty look.]
...that say those things to you?
no subject
She's only telling the truth.
[There's a bite to it, but it's strangely petulant, an intonation a child would use on the schoolyard. Zelos is not a stupid man despite his estimation of himself. He knows logically that can't actually be his mother... but what if it is? And even if it's not, it's what he imagines she would say; the truth. Only the truth. How he makes her miserable, how that's his only purpose and should spare others from it but is too weak to do so.
Vaguely, he's aware that's not how parents should act.
But he's lucky, isn't he? Lucky to have a mother so willing to tell him the truth, not the coddle him even when he was a small boy. He should love her for it. He does love her for it. After all, she's his mother. He's supposed to love her, and she's all he has.
Had.
But there's a darkness creeping behind those thoughts in his psyche, one he never acknowledges, the one that asks the terrifying questions of what if she's wrong? What if she was wrong all along? What if he didn't have to suffer? What if his life wasn't meant to be this way and he did it to himself?
Zelos shudders, shoving those black thoughts from his mind and settling in the lesser yet comforting misery he's familiar with.]
Don't speak about her like that.
[She's all he had...]
no subject
Th-that isn't your mother, Zelos. That's one of Vatheon's stupid curses making itself look like her.
[Isn't it?]
And anyone who says someone "should've been the one to die" to someone they care about is lying. Especially a parent who says that!
[Or they just... weren't very good parents. Sheena's whole perspective on the family unit is kind of skewed, though, but she's pretty sure the people who raise you are meant to love you, not... Tell you that you should have died for any reason. Her grandfather, even when she was the source of so much pain, still loves her! And he isn't... even really related to her at all! And Dirk loves Lloyd, and Frank and Phaedra love Colette, and Raine loves Genis, and Kratos loves Lloyd, and Alicia loved Regal and Presea-- And they've all made mistakes! But those mistakes don't change anything!]
Family doesn't say things like that! That's not how they work!
[Her words just keep tumbling out of her mouth without warning, and she steps back with the vehemence of them and the way they make her curve forward, bow her head, even as she grasps at Zelos, holds onto his clothes, because she's not letting him get away if he tries.]
So this thing is either lying like this because it wants to scare you into thinking this is what she thought of you, or if she ever said that to you before then she's terrible and had no right! If, if Grandpa doesn't think I should have died for what happened with Volt, then there's no way you should have died for any reason this thing can come up with! Someone who loves you wouldn't say that!
[She's repeating herself, maybe getting a little hysterical, but she sees too much of herself in this behaviour and it terrifies her. So much she's thought, too--that maybe someone does wish her dead. That maybe she should have died, if it would've prevented the others from dying. Or died with them, so no one in Mizuho had a reminder of what had happened--she'd heard whispers and murmurs upon her return, that day. Who's to say some don't still feel that way even now? But she's alive and she can't change that; she'd be too cowardly to take her own life, anyway. She stays bent like she is a moment longer, but finally quieting, bottom lip caught between her teeth.
She knows, thanks to the rumours that floated around Meltokio, that Zelos' past isn't so bright. The stories conflict, but she very clearly remembers tragedy; they were old stories by then, probably repeated by some jilted nobleman who'd lost the attention of some woman or other to Zelos in order to make himself feel better over it, or some noblewoman who was fawning from a distance. She never bothered listening to them, but... It's what makes her refuse to let go of him. In the event even a sliver is true. He'd grown up without parents, that much she knows from the women in the city who can't keep their mouths shut, but...
She'll probably lose him like this. Being like this--being honest, for which he praised her so cynically, before. She tightens her grip because she can't trust herself to embrace him so tightly, again. She can't trust him right now, either.]
no subject
[The words ring across the quiet room, the first thing he's said above a murmur since Sheena arrived and it exhausts him visibly, shoulders slumping again with the effort but his eyes burning with a cold fire behind them. This, sadly, is what Zelos has faith in, must have belief in, or his entire life has been his own undoing.]
So she was honest. She was honest in trying to push me away, honest with her last breath that I shouldn't have been born. And she's right, she's been right all this time. I'm not a good or honest person. I lie, I cheat, I seduce and work both sides. It's who I am and she saw it in me even that young because it's what she saw of my father. She hated him, she must have. The oracle...
[The force slowly bleeds from his words as he continues, so tired is he from the stress of the week that he has trouble defending even what he knows. A slightly shaking hand goes to his own forehead. He doesn't pull away, not entirely, he can't bring himself to do that even as he expresses his own horrid estimation of himself.
There is a long pause as he attempts to muster his wits, to pull the strands of his psyche back to some semblance of order. When he speaks again it's a whisper, almost a whimper in the warming air between them.]
She can't be wrong because if she is, everything I've done...
[He swallows painfully.]
Everything I've done I didn't have to do...
1/3
And he just took it all with an act, a joke, or a smile. And he harboured this.
Just as the confession saps the energy from him, drains away the strength and his cohesion, Sheena can feel herself moving towards him, closing that space he'd added in that burst of anger--pulling him in to steady herself as much as to vainly try to give him some sort of support. She gave up everything to try and make up for what she'd done. He'd turned himself in to exactly what was projected onto him. They took two very different paths but started from roughly the same place: something broke them down and they had to fight to pick up the pieces.]
2/3
You are a good person, Zelos; we all make mistakes, we all... we-- We all start on the wrong foot at some point. We're all cowards in a way, we all... do what's expected of us until we see what we need to expect from ourselves. Whatever she said, it... You are not your father. You are Zelos.
[Inhaling sharply, she pulls back to hold him at arm's length, eyes as serious as they can be when she's trying to keep the tangle of emotion that just gets worse and worse in check.]
You're being honest with me right now. You were honest when it was just the two of us, even if we were talking about running away from our responsibilities. You have friends who really do love you, and- and you've saved us all at least once.
[It takes more willpower than she'd like to admit to not avert her gaze when she says that.]
And- And how could she see who you are when she could never see you?
[A swallow, another inhale, and Sheena stands straight; sealing away her uncertainties, her fear, in favour of showing him maybe a little strength he can pull on. She isn't very strong, she knows she isn't and not with things like this, but right now she will be.]
I see Zelos. I see someone who's helped me more than I give him credit for, who's been ridiculous with me when I've had too much to drink, who's a huge pain in the ass about girls and might be a bad example sometimes, but who's also done amazing things for the benefit of others--even if they were kind of crazy. Someone who risked his life for his little sister who loves him even if he pretends not to know, and who rescued all of us at least once in some way. Someone I wanted to help because of who he is. Because he's Zelos--because you're Zelos. Not the Chosen, not a noble, not a Wilder.
3/3
Sheena's not good at speeches. That's Lloyd's department. But she knows she needed to say something, and she had. Most of it things she would never say in any other situation. She's always assumed Zelos has it all just the way he wants it and flaunts it without regard to anyone around him. But with that kind of curse hanging over his head...
She hangs hers, ignoring the trembling in her knees.]
What's done is done.
[So maybe she isn't quite done, yet.]
The only thing to do now is make ourselves better adults for tomorrow.
no subject
[Hadn't she been listening?]
No, I-
[But Sheena forges on and Zelos' voice, for once, dies in his throat.]
"You are not your father."
[Eyebrows furrow and his mouth forms a thin line, trying not to betray any emotion and failing in an utterly miserable fashion.]
"...how could she see who you are when she could never see you?"
[She's wrong, she has to be wrong, she can't... but... why is he clinging so hard when Sheena's words are so...]
"...Someone I wanted to help because of who he is. Because he's Zelos--because you're Zelos."
[Carefully, he recrosses that gap between them. Without a word, Zelos slips his arms around Sheena and holds her close, cradling her as he would something terribly precious. He says nothing but the embrace is a silent thank you, an acknowledgment of difficulty, of effort.
If it had been Lloyd, he would have simply smiled. He would have replaced his mask, continued the charade, let his friend believe he'd cured all ills with his words and carry on as if nothing had happened, all to maintain that innocence and idealism that characterizes the brunette, that Zelos would die before shattering.
With Sheena, it's different. She's wiser, knows better. She's seen the mask crack before, just a bit. She'd never said anything but he knows. He knows because she wasn't surprised. Upset, desperate, yes, but not surprised. And yet she still stayed. She still spoke to him, and even if he has difficulty believing the words the fact that she's here staying them speaks volumes.
He's so tired. Maybe, because she knows, because of all he's done to her and she's still here, because it's Sheena, it's alright to surrender this once.
He lowers his head to the crook of her neck, arms tightening just slightly in the purple fabric.]
I'm so sorry...
[Thank you...
The room begins to warm as the day dawns, the apparition fading with her deep frown unheeded.]
no subject
His apology catches her mid-blink, mid-swallow, trying to banish the tracks from her cheeks through sheer force of will, seemingly oblivious that he can probably feel how fiercely her heart beats and the way she can't quite keep her shoulders from trembling. But she'll calm down before he does, over all. Finger slide into his hair behind his head, holding him against her neck, and she presses her mouth to his shoulder in an effort to keep her composure and not speak with her throat so tight and voice thick. She nods, squeezes him a little, and just stays where she is.
Mylene's ghost is forgotten in the wake of this, as Sheena tries to control her breathing so she can steady herself enough to answer somehow. She inhales deeply, hand leaving his hair long enough to thumb at her cheeks since willpower alone doesn't really do anything for the wetness there. She's confident enough to speak, even if her voice wavers a little in time with her breathing, setting her chin on his shoulder and squeezing her eyes shut.]
It's okay.
[Because it seems like he understands, that he isn't just falling back on those old thoughts--pretending. She doubts he's "cured" of this way of thinking completely--that's not how it works--but she just hopes that maybe she's helped him find his way through it a little more. Just maybe. And she won't coddle him after this. She'll go back to how they were before, but maybe a little wiser on both their parts. Certainly on hers, though that won't change the way she reacts to things! ...
But she'll just hold him a little longer, for now.]
no subject
And yes, he'll probably go back to his usual snark and candor once the curse is over and the voice of his mother he's given life to has stopped being physical and gone back to a purely mental existence once more, but they'll know. They'll both know this night did happen even if they'll deny it until they're both blue in the face.
He's acutely aware, in the silence of the early morning with the watery light peeking in the hotel window, that this may be his only chance to simply be in Sheena's presence. He can't function like this, not always. He needs that mask to hide behind because he's afraid of himself, afraid of the world, afraid of what would happen if the two ever really met. And he knows it. He hates it. He can't change it, not that quickly.
But for one small moment Sheena shared her strength.
And Zelos shared his weakness.
And neither judged the other. And the world didn't collapse.
He knows it will end the second one of them moves. He's fairly certain it will be him, with some jab, some barb about her waist or her chest, some smoke screen of idiocy to hide behind what he really wants to say.
What does he really want to say? He can't put it to words, even now. He can't even lift his cheek from her shoulder, will himself to open his eyes and pull away from the gentleness he knows he doesn't deserve.
But, for now, he'll take it anyway. He'll keep his mouth shut and swallow down everything - feelings, tears, words - just to will this moment to remain something he can hold onto.
...until he hears that waver in her voice. He'd made her cry again; it cuts him deeper than he thought, doubting her words as being self aware. Yes Sheena had seen the world and its faults, but she is still a kind heart and a forgiving soul and he'd hurt her.
Zelos raises his head and looks Sheena in the eye, for once that fake smile not plastered across his face but something more genuine tugging at the edges. Gently he raises a hand to wipe the last drops from her face, letting his hand linger on her cheek for just a second too long before retreating again into himself, that smile creeping into his visage automatically, unbidden, even if the tension remains at the corners of his eyes. His voice is still soft, almost tender, when he speaks.]
Ah~ So you care after all, hm? I guess I'm just that hard to resist.
no subject
And she'll remember this episode of their rodeo like she remembers each of those few times she's seen the man behind this obnoxious philanderer, and it'll now and again slip to the surface when both most and least appropriate. Which would be okay if it tended to pick times when she's by herself and doesn't have to worry about anyone seeing her mull over those times, but such isn't her luck, she's fairly sure. Sheena Fujibayashi has terrible luck like that.
And she also has terrible luck because it's moments like this, such rare things as they are, where she feels... at ease. In spite of all that's just transpired, they'd reached some sort of conclusion, even if it's just a temporary one. It's a comforting thing she's never really thought about until now, when she's coming down from that roller coaster; honesty is precious, though. Especially an honesty that intimate. Never in a million years would Sheena have ever expected to think of anything she did with Zelos as anything able to be classified that way. But it was, and this moment now's the aftermath.
The world really hasn't collapsed.
Part of her wonders if she'd mind just maybe... staying like this a little longer than really necessary. Of course, it isn't necessary at all, and that's kind of a ridiculous thought to even sort of imply that it's something she needs. It's not like she does, or anything. It's for Zelos so he'll hopefully quit being so down on himself like that. Help him get back on his feet because he probably needs the support.
And maybe she does need that support a little bit. She doesn't realize how drained she still feels until his movement prompts her to draw back and their eyes meet. And she catches the expression, slight but as honest as they'd been before.
Sheena appreciates honesty.
Even when his touch lasts a little longer than really necessary--like she has, just a little longer--and even when he speaks. Because even if he's headed for his mask, she's seen the reason for it. Or at least part of it, and she's seen beneath it and it's peeking out from there still. So she doesn't bring on the hurt just yet.]
Be quiet, Zelos.
[But it's without much venom, instead a sigh coupled with a weary yet gentle smile. And a dusting of red across her cheeks.]