vatheon | Balance is something fragile

Entry tags:

sirius black

Balance is something fragile

Who: Shin and Sirius
Where: Marauder Mansion
When: Afternoon
Style: Whatever you want, bb~
Status: Clooooosed

[A part of him really didn't want to have this discussion or to even think about what had happened ever again while he could avoid it. However, he also knew that he owed it to Shin to tell him what had happened. No matter what consequences that brought.

Telling Shin about what had gone on back home would bring up a lot of bad things: war, Lily and James' deaths, and the fact that Sirius had gone a little crazy and tried to murder someone and was now in jail and hadn't even succeeded in his 'mission.'

He had a feeling he knew what Shin's response would be to the first two...but that other part...the part Sirius wished he could bury and never bring back up, that one he couldn't guess.

But...after his conversations with Shin and what had happened with Snape...well, what if Peter showed up here one day? Sirius wasn't certain he'd be able to control himself and, by that point, it'd be too late to try and explain.

No...even if Shin was disgusted and pushed him away, he'd rather be open about what he'd done than let it be a snake-in-the-grass at some later point. So, he left a message written out where he knew Shin would find it, a simple 'I need to talk to you whe you have a chance' and then disappeared into their room to wait.

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[Shin listened quietly, nodding as was courteous. It reminded him all too much of not only World War II history, but of Arago's arbitrary decision that the Human World should feed the Nether World's needs, simply because he had the power to dominate them using the Armors.]

Lily told me about that in passing. It's not easy... fighting based on a hope that things will get better.

[One thing certainly made sense.] I can see why you're not keen on bloodlines now. [His tone wasn't judgmental; purely an observation. Sirius's opinion was a product of a seriously divisive circumstance, same as Shin's.]

[Sirius gave a small, bitter, laugh.] Yeah...I'm supposed to be 'The Heir of the House of Black'...like I'd want to be. Not that it matters now, earned myself a banishing the minute I ran away from home.

[He shook his head, that bitter smirk still in place. It was amusing on some level, but it wasn't part of this story, not really.]

Anyway...we weren't doing so well, our little resistance. Things weren't looking so good when, suddenly, we get this prophecy about his downfall and that it's supposed to be brought around by a child born on a certain date; there were only two kids who fit the prophecy.

Well, both sides foundd out about this prophecy because, as it happened, our side had a leak and no one knew who it was. Consequently, the families of these two kids were targeted. One of these families were James and Lily...their son, Harry, was born on the right day. They went into hiding and used a powerful spell to hide themselves. This spell makes them impossible to find unless you know the password that 'unlocks' the spell. One person is left with this password, like holding a key, and that's the 'secret keeper.'

[He stopped a moment, catching up and sorting his thoughts as the events played through in his mind. It felt like so long ago...but he could still see everything perfectly in his mind.]

They chose me to be their secret keeper and...I...I was fine with that...I would have rather died than give it up...but I urged them to switch to Peter because I thought I was too obvious a choice and no one would think Peter would be their keeper. They...they made the switch and we didn't tell anyone, not even Remus.

[Guilt washed over him again as that dark part of his mind berated him again for his unfair judgement on the man he was supposed to have loved.]

But...Peter...Peter was the leak. He was working for the other side...and he gave away their secret. Voldemort killed Lily and James....and he tried to kill Harry...but the killing spell he used backfired and hit him instead.

[...]

I had gone to check on them that night...I found their bodies.

[Shin's expression shifted from concerned to downright heartbroken - yeah, he hadn't known or cared about James and Lily all that long, but he knew perfectly well how much they meant to Sirius.]

Oh Syr...

[So that was how Lily and James came to die. To be betrayed like that... it was nothing compared to Shin's running away. And how he'd felt when he realized he'd nearly killed his friends - the shame, the remorse, the worthlessness... He could only imagine how much worse it'd been for Sirius. It must've felt like when they'd all struck Ryou - as if he'd been the one to strike them down.]

And you blame yourself... don't you?

[So far, that was the only reason Shin could see for Sirius to feel so 'dirty' that he wouldn't come near Shin when he'd first returned.]

Or, wait... I don't know much about Peter - I don't blame you after what you just said - but why not tell Remus? I thought you... [Loved him? Maybe even back then? At least cared about him as much as James, surely. It made Shin's heart ache to think of it at all, but... that part he really wanted to know.]

Edited 2012-01-26 06:35 (UTC)

[He looked away and moved as far from shin as the room allowed, it was going to be hard enough explaining all of this in the first place, he didn't want to see Shin's reactions on top of that.]

Loved him? I thought so, not as much as I love you, of course...but I thought I cared. But...towards the end there..I...I don't know what I was thinking how I could- [A sigh.]

Remus was a werewolf and I've known that for years, it's why James, Peter, and I can change like we do. We wanted to keep him company when he changed each month...and that's why the basement of this house is the way it is.

But...the werewolves were working for the other side...and...I got caught up in the paranoia and the fear and...I doubted him. Years of friendship and loyalty went out of my mind and I doubted Remus' trustworthiness. I was stupid. A complete git.

So, no, Shin, it might have been Peter who sold them out, but it was still my fault. I never should have- [He cut himself off and kept his eyes glued to anything that wasn't Shin. He didn't want to go into all the 'what ifs' and 'should haves' right there...he'd keep those with him for another time.

Abandoned him.

[Shin sighed and folded his hands under his chin. He wanted nothing more than to comfort Sirius, but he knew that wasn't what Sirius needed right now. This was about coming to terms with this part of his past.]

You made a choice; you did what you thought was best. [He cocked his head toward Sirius for a brief look at his back, then returned it to his own lap.] And sometimes what you think is best... isn't. There's no apology that can rewrite history when human lives are at stake.

For my part, I can't think less of you for facing it head on like that, regardless of the outcome. You couldn't see the whole picture, had no idea what this powerful wizard was planning, and still you fought. That takes courage, Sirius, and selflessness.

[He couldn't help the small wince at the word 'abandoned' but it was true.]

It doesn't matter...I doubted a friend not because of anything he did or said but be cause of what he was. For those months...I had become the Black I was supposed to be...I just didn't see it.

[Again, his hand went through his hair, a nervous habit he'd picked up from James that he couldn't help. It provided a momentary distraction.]

There's more...I wish I could say there wasn't...but there is.

When I saw the bodies...I knew what Peter had done. I made sure Harry was safe, and then I started a hunt. I didn't tell anyone what I was doing or why I was doing it, I was so blinded by my rage and pain...I finally found him. He was in the middle of a busy street when I cornered him and, of course, he tried to plead with me and gain sympathy through our friendship, but I was going to kill him and nothing he said would change that.
But the bastard- He blew the street up, killed 13 people, transformed into the rat he was, and made it look like he'd died in the explosion as well. When the dust cleared I was the one they found.

I was blamed for the deaths of James, Lily, and Peter...and they sent me to Azkaban for it; that's our jail for the scum in our community. That's why I looked as bad as I did when I arrived...it's not like it's a well-kept place...I'd been there for six months when this place pulled me back. I should have told you sooner...I'm sorry. I just...didn't want you to know that your boyfriend's a jailbird and murderer. That wasn't fair of me.

[He was silent a moment and then he looked up to the ceiling and the crack in his voice made it clear he was trying not to cry.]

You know...I saw him once...Remus. After the whole thing and before they sent me away...he believes I did it. I guess....that's only fair...

[It darn near broke Shin's heart to hear that from Sirius and not for the reasons Sirius was expecting. Shin went right up to Syr's back and put his hands there, then leaned his forehead against Syr's spine.]

Please, don't do this again - don't think of yourself that way. [It made sense in retrospect how Sirius had acted, but that didn't make Shin feel any better. Sirius was still in pain.] It's disgusting what Peter caused to happen - truly disgusting - but when evil people set their minds to such deeds... What would be truly horrible is if you were proud of those acts, if you had no remorse.

Anta, I'm... [He clenched his fists.] I'm no better. Do you really think anyone who's been in battle has no blood on their soul?

[Sirius was quiet a moment. He didn't know what to do or say...he'd thought for certain Shin would be disgusted...but his boyfriend's words intrigued him as well.]

...what do you mean?

Remember what I told you... [He was still speaking at Sirius's back.] About why I don't use my armor needlessly? I wanted to believe we could control the battlelust inherent in them, that we could shape our own destinies and... and that it was humans against evil spirits. Not other humans. When that reality faced me, I...

I threw it all away.

And because of me... because I couldn't bear to fight another human with that armor... my closest friends nearly died.

[He gripped Sirius's shirt, as if hoping he wouldn't turn around in that moment, and quickly said what was on his mind before his voice broke completely.] You didn't make Peter do any of those things; you weren't responsible for his actions. On the other hand, I'm- I'm responsible for mine.

[Sirius kept his eyes on the window, thinking about Shin's words. Finally he turned, catching Shin's hands in his own and bringing them to his chest, he pulled his dolphin into a hug.]

You didn't know, yeah? Besides...there's nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt people, Shin.

[There's a small pause as he looks up, trying to keep his voice steady.]

If you're still willing to have me...then I'm sure as hell still willing to have you.

I never even gave that a thought. [He sunk into the hug, head on Sirius's shoulder.]

I'm not proud of my choices and neither are you, so they shouldn't define us. I don't want that. War is just... a horrible thing. [He sighed, almost grumbling.] I still wish I didn't have this armor, but at this point - [His voice got softer.] I wouldn't want anyone else to have to bear it.

... And at least this is a pain we both know.

[His grip tightened and he stayed silent for a while. It was hard to believe the conversation had gone this way, but he was glad it hadn't gone the way he'd assumed.]

...thank you. [For everything.]

No, thank you- [Shin pulled back just enough to reach up with his hands to where Sirius's neck met his nape.] For telling me what was bothering you, at last.

[He smiled.] Just because I was a virgin doesn't mean I was - or still am - naïve, Syr.

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Balance is something fragile

Bawl...

FFF It'll get worse. 8D;

Of course ;;

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