This is why we can't have nice things.

[not_heavens_adam]

Who: Johnny, Sola, and (eventually) Zelda
Where: First Johnny's apartment, then Zelda's
When: 20th of August
Style: Action
Status: Closed

[Johnny moved about the kitchen, humming happily. Things had been a little rough since his return, but he was genuinely happy. Everyone he loved seemed safe and happy, his masqurade plan seemed to be going well along with everything else and while the lab in the island still put a shadow on things, right now, it didn't matter.

Right now he was going to make pancakes with Sola and that mattered a whole lot more than anything on that cursed island.]

Mmmm~ Sola~ I think we have everything now.

Comments

[replicatedcourage]

[Sola can tell Johnny is happy. Despite the episode in the lab, Johnny has been smiling more, even humming, sometimes walking with these dancing steps that Sola can't help but smile at. It should be perfect; banana pancakes, both of them all done up in smocks and ready with spatulas and measuring cups for a morning that will probably end up with both of them covered in flour and batter and giggles. He wants it to be perfect and on the outside looking in it's almost a Norman Rockwell painting (if Norman Rockwell painted sparkly vampires and the Hylian replicas who love them that is).

But it's not perfect.

Sola's been having a difficult time ever since the date that had ended in Ghirahim and Johnny in a standoff. He's hid it. He's tried to hard and managed to hide it for over a month from Johnny, from his Trolldads, from everyone he could, but the inescapable fact remains.

Sola is falling apart.

It was slow at first. Just his fingers going numb occasionally. A week later he could sometimes see through his hands, just a shadow cast over whatever was behind it. Two weeks and the numbness was in his toes too far more often than he'd like. His shins, his knees. By now, sometimes, he would look in the mirror and be able to see through his own face to the wall behind him.

It was terrifying and he couldn't tell a soul. He's a replica. What could they do? His master is no longer in the bubble, Zelda's proven she can only do so much, and who else is there? No, it's better this way. It's better to be happy with everyone, happy with Johnny, for as long as he could before...

Don't think about it, don't, don't.

For now, he'll continue to play perfect and hope he can fool himself as much as everyone else.]

Do we? I don't really know how to make this stuff.

[not_heavens_adam]

[There were times, moments, when Johnny could tell there was something off, something bothering Sola, especially when it seemed like they were happy and then the Hylian would dash off with some excuse. But, Johnny figured, if it was something important, Sola would tell him, so he never asked.

That was part of why Johnny had decided not to let some of the recently bad things get him down, he wanted to be happy and support Sola should he need it.]

Ahh~ That's okay~! I'll show you. It's sort of like baking: you just follow the recipe and instructions and you get pancakes~!

[replicatedcourage]

Okay, what first?

[Despite not really being able to read quickly at all, the Hylian leans over the counter to try and see the recipe book. Of course, he's not the most conscious of his surroundings when relaxed and his leaning sends the small bag of flour on the counter tumbling over with a careless nudge of an elbow, resulting in a small mushroom cloud of powder and Sola with a completely white and altogether surprised and startled face.]

Oops.

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny can't help but laugh at the sight.]

'Oops,' indeed. Hold on.

[He grabs a handtowel and wets it. He bends down a bit and curls his empty hand under the Hylian's chin so he can wash Sola's face with the towel.]

Clumsy~

[replicatedcourage]

Well I didn't-

[He doesn't finish his sentence, interrupting himself as that tell-tale numbness steals over him. It's not just his hands or his feet this time but his entire body. He can't feel his hands or feet, ears or knees. He knows without seeing that he's fading again, and that if Johnny's hand remains on his chin or that towel touches his face, he'll know.

The Hylian, wide eyed and suddenly nervous, attempts to jerk back and away.]

I-I can do it myself in the bathroom!

[Don't look not now don't look at me I don't want you to be upset I don't want you to see don't look don't look!]

[not_heavens_adam]

[The vampire goes on alert at the sudden change. He can sense and see the nervousness and the fact Sola is running away again just sends alarms off in his head. That was it. What the hell was going on?

He reached out and took Sola's arm, expression clearly reflecting the concern and confusion he felt.]

Stop. What's wrong? And don't say nothing, this isn't the first time you've done something like this.

[replicatedcourage]

[Long sleeves are always a part of Sola's wardrobe. He's lucky, really, otherwise a change to always wearing high collars and covering clothes would be exceptionally noticeable. But with Johnny's hand on him - a hand he can't feel other than the pressure from his grip - Sola knows he's caught. He can't feel anything and his mouth won't form words or maybe they will but he doesn't know because he can't feel it. His hearing wavers, everything sounding distant and muffled, as if coming from another room or outside the window in the street. He tries to pull away tries to wrestle himself from Johnny's grip but he's sluggish and thin and the arm in the vampire's grasp almost feels like nothing at all.

He has to get away, he doesn't want Johnny to see, doesn't want him to worry... so he says the only thing that he knows will make the vampire let go, shoulders shaking and voice sounding thick and far away to his ears.]

You're hurting me!

[Tears roll down his cheeks completely unheeded. He can't feel them, not at all, but the flour gives way to tracks regardless. When Sola lifts his head, Johnny can see the opposite wall as if looking through a shadow cast by some other object.]

[not_heavens_adam]

[Sola's actions were scaring him. He was afraid it was like Ghirahim, where something or someone was hurting the person he loved and he hadn't noticed until it was right in front of his face. He just wanted to know.

But those words scared him more. As if he'd touched a hot stove, Johnny snatched his hand back.]

I'm-

[The word 'sorry' didn't have a chance to come out before those tears and the transparency registered and cut him off. He ignored the self-deprecating voice in his head that was still berating him for gripping too tightly, and took hold of the Hylian's shoulders.]

Sola! What-?

...What's happening to you?

[replicatedcourage]

[He doesn't want this, he doesn't want it at all, this isn't how it was supposed to work. He's supposed to just enjoy what time they have left and then...

And then what? He'd disappear? Would the coral bring him back five days later all fixed or would he have to endure this every time? Or would he simply cease to be? Vanish, without a trace?]

I-I don't...I...

[His voice catches in his throat. His is a psyche at war, the urge to hide, to cover his ears and scream and pretend none of this was happening vying for dominance with pure, unadulterated fear. Fear of vanishing, fear of nothingness, fear of never getting to make pancakes again, never getting a hug again, never seeing what he learns, if he grows, never getting to take that next step that all relationships reach. Of never...

He gulps air, the action hurting his throat, stinging his lungs as feeling slowly comes back in the form of pins and needles everywhere. It hurts, it hurts and that's good because he's still here.]

I don't want to die again.

[It's a small, broken and raspy plea but it opens a gate and suddenly he can't stop the words.]

I want to stay with you, I don't want to fade away again. I don't want to be nothing but I don't know what to do! I don't- M-Master Ganondorf is gone and Zelda can't do everything and there isn't anyone else but I-I just wanted to make pancakes and go to the dance i-in matching coats and stay! Why can't I stay?!

[The replica sinks to his knees right there on the kitchen floor, grasping at Johnny's legs. Not enough to send him toppling, but to hide his face and wail brokenly.]

Why can't I?

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny didn't say anything, he couldn't. He'd never felt so useless and combined with the guilt, anger, fear, and sadness, words had no place in his head.

Gently, he broke from Sola's hold so he could lower himself to the ground as well and wrap his arms around his boyfriend. He knew his hold was tighter than a normal, comforting, hug....but he didn't care. If a tight hold would keep Sola grounded and with Johnny then fine. Bruises would heal, disappearing would not.

Why was he disappearing anyway? The coral was supposed to heal and protect them, why wasn't it protecting Sola? Was this it's way of warning them that it was going to send the Hylian away? Was this how it acted with Sola because he was different?

But if that where true...then why? He thought this place was different. He thought, he'd told others, that being here meant you could be happy even if you weren't at home...Johnny had faith in this place and now it was trying to take something precious to him away.]

Sola...

[He buried his nose in Sola's hair, taking in the familiar scent and shut his eyes. When he spoke, there was Iron-hard determination in his voice.]
I won't let you leave. I won't let go.

You can't leave me.

[replicatedcourage]

I don't want to go...

[Shaking arms wrap themselves around Johnny's shoulders just as tightly as the vampire holds onto Sola. His matesprit is his lifeline and he doesn't care how hard Johnny holds on so long as he does, so long as Sola can stay here. He's told Kurow, he's told many people, that he never wants to leave and that's hardly been more true than at this moment, but weeks of a steadily worsening condition leave Sola with little hope left.]

...but I don't know who could help...

[not_heavens_adam]

[He was quiet a moment, mind flying through a thousand different things at once. Out of everyone he knew, he could only come up with Zelda, Crowley, and Aziraphale who could have the power to help.

Considering their relationship, he was willing to bet Crowley was a no-go. Sola didn't seem to think Zelda could help. Aziraphale...Aziraphale could change reality itself, he'd said as much. But...if he couldn't help....Johnny had already had his faith shaken once today, he didn't want to hear the words 'I can't' come from one of the Heavenly Host.

...Well, Azi would be the back-up plan.

He pulled away enough to take Sola's hands, tightly, in his, still not willing to physically let go of his boyfriend, and leaned his forehead against the other's.]

Come on, we're going to get you help. I won't just sit around and watch you die. I can't.

[replicatedcourage]

[A small nod is the most Sola can work up the energy to reply with. He doesn't know who Johnny has in mind but at this point he'll take any chance. It's kind of a relief, in a melancholic way, to have someone else sharing the burden of worry and while he's still exhausted and there's still pins and needles everywhere and numbness tugging at his extremities, for once, he can be relatively calm. He can be calm for Johnny.

Sola rubs at his face with his sleeve, still with that hand in Johnny's and inadvertently smearing wet flour across his cheeks and nose before turning his gaze to his matesprit.]

Sorry...

[Slipping one hand from his matesprit's grip, Sola reaches up to wipe the flour he had left on Johnny's cheek, but the apology encompasses so much more than that. So many times he'd wanted to confide in his matesprit about this and never had. He'd backed down, afraid there was nothing to be done, afraid even to hear there was nothing so he didn't try. He couldn't bear knowing for certain that he was going to fade into nothing and no one could help... but that look on Johnny's face, that heart wrenching concern, he knows he should be fighting tooth and nail to stay, to keep Johnny from ever looking like that again.

He hates that expression. Johnny should always be smiling.]

Where are we going?

later in the day...

[replicatedcourage]

[Once they'd gone their separate ways with Zelda, leaving the princess in a shower of gratitude, Sola maintains a hold on Johnny's hand the entire way back to his apartment. The boy is uncommonly quiet, trying to make sense of his feelings and doubts as Johnny unlocks the apartment door.

Would this hold? Zelda seemed to think it would but she'd been wrong before. She's smart and can do most things but she's not perfect. And even if it does hold, he knows someday he'll still die. He's not immortal, he won't live forever like Johnny will. What if that happens before he'd gotten a chance to do everything he wanted? To see Hyrule if it's at all possible, to show that to Johnny, to grow older and learn everything. To be... intimate...

What if he never gets the chance?]

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny was fairly quiet as well, he didn't really know what to say. He'd almost lost Sola today...and that scared him. He was no stranger to loosing people, he'd watched everyone he'd grown up with die either in that battle or shortly afterwards. Acquaintances and humans he'd gotten to know without actually calling them 'friends' eventually saw their time come and pass. The people he couldn't be without he'd turned into monsters like himself...and that had ended badly as well.

But knowing the day would come and actually facing it prematurely shook him and it made him want to cling to Sola and protect him from anything and everything that might try to take him away from Johnny.

He would be lying if he said he'd loved Sola from the start, he'd loved the boy, yes, and he had admired him for many things. The fact Sola made him feel differently than nearly everyone else there and always seemed to have a calming effect on Johnny wasn't lost on the vampire either, but he'd still accepted Sola's declaration of love lightly. It was unfair, perhaps, but he'd done it figuring he was only a stepping stone towards the person the Hylian actually belonged with; Sola was light and pure and sweet and, while confused, ultimately good. Johnny wasn't any of these things...it made sense to him that this was only temporary.

But as time went on and he was with Sola more and could feel himself purified by the other's presence, Johnny begin to let his defenses down....and Sola had gotten in. When he saw his tired boyfriend there by the fountain, after Johnny had come back to life, that was when he realized....he'd been wrong. This wasn't temporary, not to Sola. He had no intention of leaving the vampire alone. Now...after today, Johnny could accept he didn't want him to.

It was selfish and unfair and he knew he already had and would continue to taint Sola just from being around him....but Johnny didn't want to be without him either. Selfishly, he would cling on for as long as Sola would have him.

Once they were in the apartment, Johnny led them both to the couch where he plopped down and patted the area beside him to indicate Sola should join him. All he wanted to do was cuddle his boyfriend right now.]

[replicatedcourage]

[It takes Sola a long moment before joining Johnny on the couch. In fact, he really doesn't get on the couch at all. Instead he climbs into his matesprit's lap, capturing Johnny's lips suddenly against his own in a desperate, haphazard dart of his head. He doesn't know what he's doing, it's apparent in his inexpert movements and the way his hands don't know where to go, first curling in Johnny's shirt, then slipping up to his cheek, then moving away again, completely unsure where to settle them. The signals are further confused by the raw need apparent in Sola's demeanor. He loves Johnny, he feels it so strongly, he wants to be with him, to make him happy, to stay and he can, he can stay, but...

He's not ready. He wants this, but he's only doing it now because he's afraid it will end, that they'll get sent back, that he'll die, that everything will come crashing down like the fragile structure it's seemed like since he got here. Yes he feels stronger now, more solid, but he exists in the terror that it won't last, that this will be his only chance.

And so he kisses Johnny hard, passionately, while he trembles and his heart beats fear against his rib cage.]

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny doesn't even have time to react at first before his lips are captured in a hurried, passionate kiss. It was an action that he wanted, he did, but that's not all it is. He can feel it in the way Sola doesn't know what he's doing with himself and, more than that, he can smell it. He can smell a lot of things. Desperation and fear and longing are the strongest and he already knows this isn't right.

Yes, he wanted to kiss Sola like this, when he was ready. This was an act of desperation....maybe spurred on by almost dying, he could understand that, but he needed to hear it.

The vampire gave his matesprit a moment to pull away himself and realize he needed to stop....but when he didn't, Johnny gently, but firmly, took Sola's shoulders and pushed him away so the kiss would be broken.]

Sola...what are you doing?

[replicatedcourage]

I-I want...

[How does he do this? How does he say it?]

I want you to... I want to...

[Red creeps into his cheeks and the trembling grows stronger as Sola's hands start to fumble for the ties at the neck of his shirt. That's how it works, right? You have to be naked, so...

His cheeks flush darker as he unties the string.]

This is... this is how you show love, right? The strongest way?

[not_heavens_adam]

[Quick as lightning, Johnny's hands shoot from shoulders to wrists, in an attempt to halt Sola's movements.]

Don't!

[He felt scared. He loved Sola, yes, but this felt....wrong.]

That's not how that works... I-

[There was so much wrong with this and so many feelings were hitting him all at once, he didn't even know which one to address first. First, he had to not only stop Sola but also not send the wrong message; he didn't want Sola to think Johnny didn't love him. The vampire let go of the wrists and wrapped his arms around the smaller frame to pull Sola as closely against his chest as he could.]

Please....don't. It's not....it doesn't work like that. Yes, people who love each other very much do that, but when they ready. Otherwise...it's all wrong. Someone gets hurt.

...I don't want to hurt you, Sola.

[And it wasn't always about love either. Johnny had slept with plenty of people he didn't love....and Barry....that wasn't love.]

[replicatedcourage]

B-but I want to! I-

[He's so relieved and he hates that he's relieved because he wants this, he wants to do this before it's too late, before something else happens and he dies or Johnny gets sent home or any number of terrible things that could happen and he wants to be able to feel that connection that you're supposed to have when making love for the first time because that's how it's supposed to be, isn't it? Just... love expressed? But it's terrifying and Signless never explained exactly how it works and it sounds like it really would hurt and he's so relieved but he hates that he's relieved and..

and...

Sola finds himself head bowed, forehead against his matesprit's chest as he's wracked with sobs, not just in relief for being stopped or upset for the same reason, but in release of all the anxiety, all the fear and desperation of the past months, all the terror at his disappearing, at the pins and needles and the numbness and suffering all that alone because he was too scared there would be no help, the fringe logic in knowing he almost faded because of that hopelessness, that Johnny saved him by bringing him to Zelda but if it doesn't stay permanent he really won't get a chance to grow into any of the things that people in love should do.

His voice is small and shaky as he speaks into Johnny's shirt, unwilling to pull his head away.]

I want to! I want to because what if we don't get another chance? What if this is temporary and I fade away tomorrow? Or the coral sends you home?

[He looks up then, eyes pleading.]

Johnny, please...

[not_heavens_adam]

[It hurts. This all hurts. For both of them and he doesn't even know how to put what he's feeling into words, into a way that Sola would understand.]

No....Sola, I can't.

...You're not ready...I won't do that to you.

[He brings a hand up to pet Sola's cheek.]

.....I love you, Sola.

Can't that be enough for now?

[replicatedcourage]

But what if we only have now?!

[He's shaking so badly his grip on Johnny's shirt slips and he ends up leaning into the vampire's shoulder, hiding his face in the gentle curve of his neck]

What if it didn't really work? What if what Zelda did goes away and I disappear?! I-I want to! I want to before it's too late, I-...

[Sola's mind has a tendency to process rather slowly, so it's only after this outburst that the words filter through.

I love you.

He said it.

I love you, Sola.

The Hylian feels warm, the shaking in fear quelled somewhat in the face of those all important words. Yes he's still terrified he'll disappear at any moment, yes he's still worried he'll never get to do those physical things that he'd been told bring a couple so close, but it's alright.

It's alright because what he needs isn't the experience. It's not the tactile pleasure of sex that made him approach Johnny thusly. It's love. It's wanting to show it, wanting to prove it. With those simple words, Johnny's done it for him. And he's relieved. He's so relieved because what he was about to do is big and scary and somehow life changing and that's not what he wants, not change. He wants things to stay the way they are right now.

Both here, in the bubble, together.

Sola draws his knees up to his chest, curled up in his matesprit's lap, a quiet calm descending over him as he adjusts his cheek against Johnny's shoulder and pulls the vampire's hand between his own, idly running his fingers over Johnny's piano long digits, over the multitude of rings the vampire always wears as if memorizing.

He's still frightened, he may always be frightened, but right now he can push it away in favor of dwelling on those three words.

I love you.]

It's more than enough.

[not_heavens_adam]

[Relief floods him and he wraps his free arms around Sola, holding him tightly.

Once the words were out there...the first time he'd said them seriously in ages...they weren't as scary anymore. He could say that here, in this place. No one was going to try and tear it away from him, he didn't have to hide it. And, clearly, it helped Sola....and that was what mattered most. He only wanted to take care of his boyfriend.]

I'm glad; I just want to take care of you.

...I'm sorry I haven't said it sooner.

[replicatedcourage]

[Curling up more tightly in Johnny's lap, Sola hides his face against his knees. He feels stupid. So stupid for reacting the way he had, for being scared, for not trusting that Zelda did her best. For trying to ruin everything unknowingly. Even with that, Johnny still loves him.

Even knowing he wasn't real. Even knowing he's so confused and mixed up and scared.

Johnny said it.

And Sola finds he never wants to leave this spot, huddled in Johnny's arms with his head resting on the vampire's shoulder and his long arms securely around the replica, protecting him from all the things in the world that would do him harm. From bad guys and mean people and fading away...]

...I don't want to fade away...

[not_heavens_adam]

[One of his hands came up to run his finger's through Sola's hair while the other just drew in a little tighter.]

You won't. I won't let that happen, I promise.

Just....just tell me if you ever start feeling like that again, okay? Don't try to hide it from me.

I want to be able to protect you.

[The sight of Sola being transparent crossed his mind and he closed his eyes tight, resting his cheek on top of the head on his shoulder.]

I don't want to lose you.