vatheon | Feelings Jammin' (backdated)

Entry tags:

Feelings Jammin' (backdated)

Who: Dualscar and Signless
Where: Their hive. Because it's theirs. Not Dualscar's alone.
When: IDK, backdated to shortly after the animal curse, when Dualscar's got his body back
Style: Action?
Status: Closed

[Finally Dualscar is able to talk again, and thank goodness for that. Certainly no one would say otherwise, or imply that life might be better when Amporas aren't capable of vocalizing. So there.

He makes sure that the others who don't live here full time are packed away, and that Psiioniic is doing whatever Psiioniics do when they're not bees, and then goes in search of his moirail.

Signless said he needed a feelings jam, and Dualscar is here for you, bro.]

Signless? You wwanted to talk to me, as I recall.

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[Psiioniics do all kinds of things when they aren't bees! They... talk to the bees in their hives, and harvest honey, and look for flowers for the bees, and... look, what Psii does with his free time is not the issue here!]

[Sufferer has been lounging in the pile Dualscar made him, and he picks up his head and looks over when he hears his moirail's voice. He, at least, is happy to see Dualscar back in his regular body, despite how nice it had been to have a lusus to cuddle with over the last week.]

Yeah, I did.

[He pats the pile beside him.]

Come join me?

[Dualscar enjoyed all the cuddling, though it was frustrating not being able to do anything more than cuddle, and not being able to have a proper conversation. Or anything involving hands. It got pretty boring, despite Signless' efforts.

He's definitely glad to be Signless' moirail, not his lusus, as he seats himself in the pile and wraps an arm around the warm troll]

Nice to be able to do this again.

It is.

[No argument there, and Sufferer rolls onto his side so he can wrap his arms around Dualscar and press his face against his cool, comforting side.]

[Oh yes, one of his favourite activities - being cuddled desperately by Signless as if Dualscar is his whole world and source of comfort.

Dualscar shifts a little and wraps both arms around Signless, cradling the smaller troll against his chest and stroking his hair]

Noww. Wwhat's on your mind?

[Yes, this is good. It isn't often that Sufferer allows himself to be vulnerable, and it's a testiment to the strength of his relationship with Dualscar that he's doing this at all.]

I failed, Dualscar. Everything I worked for, my entire life, ended in failure and turned out to be a lie.

[Whelp. There will be no dancing around the issue at hand today.]

[Once upon a time, it was Dualscar telling Signless that he was doomed to fail no matter his determination or the virtue of his position. But now hearing that from Signless makes him feel sad.]

Noww, first a all, let's be clear. You're alivve. Maybe by all rights you shouldn't be, but that is true.

[And you won't convince him otherwise, Signless, because if you're dead and it's over, then his own life is over, too. He also died before coming here, and stupidly.]

[How the tables have turned, haven't they?]

[Sufferer nods against Dualscar's shoulder.]

I know. I know I'm alive here, and now.

[He puts one hand on Dualscar's chest, over his beating heart.]

You are too.

[He nods. Well, good, at least they agree on this important thing.

He lays his own hand over Signless' and gives it a squeeze]

It wwas somethin' impossible to accomplish, that thing you did. Maybe it wwas wworthwwhile givvin' it a try, though. [He'd always believed that if you lost, that meant you were foolish and worthless, but he had had some pretty powerful defeats himself. His tone is a little uncomfortable as he asks:] Do you think I'm wworthless?

What?

[Sufferer lifts his head and squirms around, so he's looking up at his moirail.]

No, of course not. What makes you think that?

Twwo reasons. [He looks away. Gosh, maybe Signless really does think so, or will in a minute, because the more he thinks about it...] First a all, I fucked up bigtime and died, and you seem to think that makes wwhat you did before wworthless, an anywway, I wwas stupid in howw I died, so that matters. And secondly, because evverythin' I did in my old life before comin' here basically wwas to further the Condesce' aims an the hemospectrum, and those things are things you don't vvalue in the least.

Dualscar, you're being ridiculous.

[Sufferer squirms more, getting up on his knees so he can cup his moirail's face in his hands and turn it back towards him.

Obviously what you did had meaning! Look at how Eridan idolizes you and tries to do everything like you did. You were also remembered in the history books and your legacy passed down for him. You weren't forgotten after you died. As for everything else, you've changed, here. You've become a better troll and a stronger one, and while it's true that I don't value the things you used to, your values have shifted, haven't they?

[He smiles then and strokes Dualscar's fins.]

All you needed was someone to talk to you, and listen.

Wwoww, I'm bein' ridiculous? [He lifts a lip in a sneer, edging back towards an expression he hasn't worn when looking at Signless in a very long time] Because people look up to me, and I havve a legacy?

Then you're bein' fuckin' ridiculous, and you should listen to me.

Evveryone fuckin' idolizes you. I'vve seen that since the moment I first met you, and that wwas wwhat pissed me off the most. [He tightens his arms around Signless] That hasn't changed, just because you livved through the last part a your life. It hasn't changed wwhat wwent before, and wwhat is meaningful about your life.

[Sufferer recoils a little when Dualscar sneers at him, his expression shocked; sometimes he forgets how very, very highblood his moirail can be. That expression changes into disbelief as Dualscar continues, though.]

But... but I'm changed.

[He hides his face against Dualscar's chest, and his shoulders start to quake.]

I'm different, why does everyone treat me the same, I'm not the same troll anymore!

Wwhy should wwe treat you different? [He cuddles him close, growing more gentle and protective again] Wwe all kneww that this wwas goin' to happen to you, but wwe still felt the same about you. I'vve got no illusions that you feel different because a havvin' experienced somethin' so awwful, but it doesn't make us see you different.

[Who would have ever thought, back before they became moirails, that Dualscar would be capable of such gentleness and kindness? If he were thinking clearly, Sufferer would realize that was at least partially because of him, and know that in this, he was not a failure.]

[Instead, he pushes his face harder against Dualscar and makes a choking, watery little sound.]

But you should! You should all see me for what I am... a f-failure, a miserable failure who f-fucked up everything...

But that's not wwhat you are! Sure you failed, at somethin' that wwas fuckin' impossible, but you'vve still got the regard a evveryone, and no amount a belly-achin' is goin' to change that.

[Ugh, Signless, stop it. Dualscar isn't sure what to do, so he's resorted to snapping, his fins flaring in irritation and challenge, but of course Signless can't really see that. He calms a bit and continues more gently.]

Anywway, it's not about wwhether you changed the wwhole fuckin' univverse to suit your desires. People don't look up to you because you could a managed that, because you couldn't havve.

They look up to you because you're a good person, an you make them feel good, and that you tried to make things better evven though you wwere obvviously goin' to fail and fail badly. So really in dyin' that wway and failing you wwere just succeedin'.

[...That made sense...on some level in Dualscar's brain, but even he's not sure how]

[Sufferer cringes when the tone in Dualscar's voice changes, and hunches his shoulders like he's expecting to be hit. In this, he's suddenly much like Psii with his body language.]

But I don't... I'm not worth it! I don't want anyone to look up to me, I don't want them to follow me any longer! Not when I was so wrong! I told everyone the wrong thing, and gave them hope that isn't real.

Wwrong or not, you're wworth it. [He cuddles Signless tighter] I kneww you wwere wwrong all along! But noww I'vve come to change my mind, as you knoww. So howw can you be wwrong, just because you failed? That hope...

[He swallows and shrugs a bit] It's real here, so it's real somewwhere, and that makes it real.

[Ah, Dualscar... his most recent convert.]

[Sufferer starts to relax a little as he's cuddled; there's just something intrinsically soothing about being cuddled while relaxing in a nice pile, and Dualscar went out of his way to make sure this was a top-notch pile for the two of them.]

Dualscar... when you... when Summoner... you know... what did you see when it happened?

[Dualscar frowns at the question, his fins flattening a little. He starts to feel an itch around the top of his robotic leg, where the scar tissue begins. That happens every time he thinks too much about his most recent death, and the traumatic events that preceded it.]

I don't knoww...nothin' much. There wwere like...stars at first, wwhen Summoner wwas killin' me I suppose. That seemed to take a wwhile, though I knoww he tried to be quick. And then I wwoke up a wweek later in the plaza.

Oh.

[Sufferer sighs, saddened, and tucks his knees up under his chin.]

So you didn't see the neverending light either.

No...I don't think so. [He's a little confused. Signless has mentioned it before, but he really doesn't understand.] Wwhat wwas it, exactly?

It's supposed to be where we go when we die. [Sufferer's voice is soft and sad as he talks about this; the neverending light was such a beautiful dream.] It's supposed to be somewhere with no pain, and no fear, somewhere we can all be together again and have the peace we couldn't have during our lives...

[He chokes back a sob and presses harder into Dualscar again.]

And it's not there!

[Dualscar is totally nonplussed] Wwhere'd you evver hear about such an unlikely thing?

I dreamed about it.

[Really, what more explanation does Dualscar need?]

[He's silent for a bit, then sighs] Maybe it wwas just a regular dream. That happens to most people, you knoww.

No.

[Whoah, there's a little fire in Sufferer's tone there.]

It was a vision, not just a dream! I saw the neverending light the same way I saw Psii before I met him, the same way I saw Karkat. It wasn't just a dream.

[Woah. Dualscar sighs softly]

Wwell in that case, it must probably be real, just like Psiioniic and Vvantas. But maybe you didn't fully understand wwhat you wwere seein'. Wwhat did it look like?

Do you remember that curse where we could see other's dreams, and I had a vision? It was like that, except a world after death.

Oh. [He's experienced the visions, so he understands a little better, but he isn't sure what to say about it] Maybe you should ask some a the wwigglers. They might havve some fuckin' better idea, wwhat wwith their...game experience an such.

Maybe. [He sighs, and curls closer against Dualscar's chest.] They said something about dream bubbles... have you ever heard of those?

Hmm. [He holds Signless close, stroking his hair soothingly. At this point, he feels a little frustrated that he can't seem to help more, but at least Signless isn't crying any longer] I think I'vve heard reference to 'em. I could ask Eridan about them if you wwant me to.

Thanks, but I don't think they know too much about them. [Sufferer sighs again, but he just sounds tired this time.] It seems like it's the kids from our world who have experience with the dream bubbles.

You mean the human kids? [He sounds doubtful]

Yes, them. It sounds like both Dave and Rose know about them, but they're cagey and haven't told me much.

I got a admit, I don't knoww wwho either a them are. Do you wwant me to make them givve you some real answwers?

[Dualscar working to persuade the kids sounds like a really bad idea.]

No, that's okay. I think dream bubbles were a little traumatic for them; they'll tell me when they're ready.

[He snugs down against his moirail's chest, soothed.]

Is there any ice cream in the thermal hull unit?

Hmm. [He shrugs faintly, but his mind is still working away, trying to figure out how he can possibly help Signless] Wwell, if you wwon't let me invvestigate, can you at least accept that wwhatevver you experienced, it isn't the end a the wworld?

[He snorts] There's alwways ice cream. Should I call Psiioniic to get it for us?

Not the end of the world.

[Sufferer agrees, but silently amends just the end of my world in his head.]

Only if you're asking him if he wants to join us.

[This pile is big enough for three, right?]

[Damnit.]

Well, uh, a course. It's more than I didn't wwant to dislodge you.

I'll ask him.

[Sufferer stays right where he is, and sends a quick message to Psii, asking if he wants to join them with some ice cream. He doesn't know if Psii will do it or not, but if he doesn't, that's okay too.]

[Dualscar is silent while he sends the message, then nuzzles his cheek]

You feelin' any better about...wwell, evverything?

[Sufferer nuzzles back, one hand moving gently over Dualscar's fins.]

Yes. Thank you for listening.

Anytime at all. [He leans in and gives a soft kiss to his cheek]

[Sufferer wonders sometimes if this is all their world really needed: highbloods forming moirallegiances with lowbloods and having someone to actually listen to them and in turn, come to them with their problems. The changes in Dualscar have been nothing short of amazing, and he's very, very proud of his moirail.]

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Feelings Jammin' (backdated)

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