Sirius Black (
black_dogstar) wrote in
vatheon2012-01-24 12:17 pm
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Entry tags:
Balance is something fragile
Who: Shin and Sirius
Where: Marauder Mansion
When: Afternoon
Style: Whatever you want, bb~
Status: Clooooosed
[A part of him really didn't want to have this discussion or to even think about what had happened ever again while he could avoid it. However, he also knew that he owed it to Shin to tell him what had happened. No matter what consequences that brought.
Telling Shin about what had gone on back home would bring up a lot of bad things: war, Lily and James' deaths, and the fact that Sirius had gone a little crazy and tried to murder someone and was now in jail and hadn't even succeeded in his 'mission.'
He had a feeling he knew what Shin's response would be to the first two...but that other part...the part Sirius wished he could bury and never bring back up, that one he couldn't guess.
But...after his conversations with Shin and what had happened with Snape...well, what if Peter showed up here one day? Sirius wasn't certain he'd be able to control himself and, by that point, it'd be too late to try and explain.
No...even if Shin was disgusted and pushed him away, he'd rather be open about what he'd done than let it be a snake-in-the-grass at some later point. So, he left a message written out where he knew Shin would find it, a simple 'I need to talk to you whe you have a chance' and then disappeared into their room to wait.
Where: Marauder Mansion
When: Afternoon
Style: Whatever you want, bb~
Status: Clooooosed
[A part of him really didn't want to have this discussion or to even think about what had happened ever again while he could avoid it. However, he also knew that he owed it to Shin to tell him what had happened. No matter what consequences that brought.
Telling Shin about what had gone on back home would bring up a lot of bad things: war, Lily and James' deaths, and the fact that Sirius had gone a little crazy and tried to murder someone and was now in jail and hadn't even succeeded in his 'mission.'
He had a feeling he knew what Shin's response would be to the first two...but that other part...the part Sirius wished he could bury and never bring back up, that one he couldn't guess.
But...after his conversations with Shin and what had happened with Snape...well, what if Peter showed up here one day? Sirius wasn't certain he'd be able to control himself and, by that point, it'd be too late to try and explain.
No...even if Shin was disgusted and pushed him away, he'd rather be open about what he'd done than let it be a snake-in-the-grass at some later point. So, he left a message written out where he knew Shin would find it, a simple 'I need to talk to you whe you have a chance' and then disappeared into their room to wait.
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What's wrong?
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He turned to face Shin, a small, slightly strained, smile crossed his lips.]
Hey...you know..that thing I didn't want to talk about; what happened when I went back home?
I think....no, you should know. It's not fair for me to not tell you.
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I meant what I said, Syr - if all it's going to do is upset you by talking about it... It doesn't matter if I should know, or if you think it's not fair, I don't need to unless you're really ready.
['Not fair' was his armor controlling who he chose to fight against and when; 'not fair' was having to re-take his armor just to help his friends. To Shin, having not a clue what Sirius had went through, it was a much smaller issue. Ignorance is indeed bliss.]
I trust you.
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...I am ready, that's why I left the note.
[Of course it was going to upset him, how could it not? But he couldn't avoid it any more. He loved Shin more than he could describe and it felt...wrong to hide this aspect of himself from the man he was supposed to trust.]
I guess....do you want to hear it all at once or in parts? [Felt like steps. Steps that got worse and worse the higher they went.]
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... Parts. I'm getting the impression I'll have questions along the way.
[Shin was worried, for sure, but trying not to sound despondent, for Sirius's sake. This was clearly important to him - to share it with Shin. Maybe that would make the pain easier to bear? Shin certainly knew that from experience with the Troopers.
Was this unknown trauma due to something in Western society? Was it due to his magical society? Was it his family, whom he'd alluded to exactly once in the months Shin had known him? Was it just... some event unique to Sirius? Shin had no idea, but he assumed the issue would be convoluted, whatever it was.]
I'll try not to drag it out any longer than necessary, though, for your sake.
....tl;dr....
When I first arrived here, I was still in school but there were already the stirrings of war. A dark wizard was gaining power and terrorizing not only my community but the muggle community too. He was of the belief that the wizarding community needed to 'purify' itself. [He didn't try to hide the disgust in his tone that came with that word.]
In my community, there's 'pure bloods' like James and I who've had wizards and witches in their families farther back than anyone should bother tracing. Then there's 'half-bloods' who've got wizards and muggles in their family; a mix. Then there's the 'muggle-born,' like Lily, who're born to purely muggle families, but have magic in them.
This dark wizard thought that the community needed to 'cleanse' itself of all half-bloods and, especially, the muggle-born. Obviously, a lot of people didn't agree, but this wizard was very powerful and had a following of the elitist pure-bloods; my family included. [A sigh.]
When I went back, I finished school and joined the war efforts of a small group of resistance called 'The Order of the Phoenix.' It was dangerous...a lot of my friends died, but James, Remus, Peter and I kept fighting. [Running a hand through his hair he stopped, finally looking to Shin. Step one...]
Bawl...
Lily told me about that in passing. It's not easy... fighting based on a hope that things will get better.
[One thing certainly made sense.] I can see why you're not keen on bloodlines now. [His tone wasn't judgmental; purely an observation. Sirius's opinion was a product of a seriously divisive circumstance, same as Shin's.]
FFF It'll get worse. 8D;
[He shook his head, that bitter smirk still in place. It was amusing on some level, but it wasn't part of this story, not really.]
Anyway...we weren't doing so well, our little resistance. Things weren't looking so good when, suddenly, we get this prophecy about his downfall and that it's supposed to be brought around by a child born on a certain date; there were only two kids who fit the prophecy.
Well, both sides foundd out about this prophecy because, as it happened, our side had a leak and no one knew who it was. Consequently, the families of these two kids were targeted. One of these families were James and Lily...their son, Harry, was born on the right day. They went into hiding and used a powerful spell to hide themselves. This spell makes them impossible to find unless you know the password that 'unlocks' the spell. One person is left with this password, like holding a key, and that's the 'secret keeper.'
[He stopped a moment, catching up and sorting his thoughts as the events played through in his mind. It felt like so long ago...but he could still see everything perfectly in his mind.]
They chose me to be their secret keeper and...I...I was fine with that...I would have rather died than give it up...but I urged them to switch to Peter because I thought I was too obvious a choice and no one would think Peter would be their keeper. They...they made the switch and we didn't tell anyone, not even Remus.
[Guilt washed over him again as that dark part of his mind berated him again for his unfair judgement on the man he was supposed to have loved.]
But...Peter...Peter was the leak. He was working for the other side...and he gave away their secret. Voldemort killed Lily and James....and he tried to kill Harry...but the killing spell he used backfired and hit him instead.
[...]
I had gone to check on them that night...I found their bodies.
Of course ;;
Oh Syr...
[So that was how Lily and James came to die. To be betrayed like that... it was nothing compared to Shin's running away. And how he'd felt when he realized he'd nearly killed his friends - the shame, the remorse, the worthlessness... He could only imagine how much worse it'd been for Sirius. It must've felt like when they'd all struck Ryou - as if he'd been the one to strike them down.]
And you blame yourself... don't you?
[So far, that was the only reason Shin could see for Sirius to feel so 'dirty' that he wouldn't come near Shin when he'd first returned.]
Or, wait... I don't know much about Peter - I don't blame you after what you just said - but why not tell Remus? I thought you... [Loved him? Maybe even back then? At least cared about him as much as James, surely. It made Shin's heart ache to think of it at all, but... that part he really wanted to know.]
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Loved him? I thought so, not as much as I love you, of course...but I thought I cared. But...towards the end there..I...I don't know what I was thinking how I could- [A sigh.]
Remus was a werewolf and I've known that for years, it's why James, Peter, and I can change like we do. We wanted to keep him company when he changed each month...and that's why the basement of this house is the way it is.
But...the werewolves were working for the other side...and...I got caught up in the paranoia and the fear and...I doubted him. Years of friendship and loyalty went out of my mind and I doubted Remus' trustworthiness. I was stupid. A complete git.
So, no, Shin, it might have been Peter who sold them out, but it was still my fault. I never should have- [He cut himself off and kept his eyes glued to anything that wasn't Shin. He didn't want to go into all the 'what ifs' and 'should haves' right there...he'd keep those with him for another time.
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[Shin sighed and folded his hands under his chin. He wanted nothing more than to comfort Sirius, but he knew that wasn't what Sirius needed right now. This was about coming to terms with this part of his past.]
You made a choice; you did what you thought was best. [He cocked his head toward Sirius for a brief look at his back, then returned it to his own lap.] And sometimes what you think is best... isn't. There's no apology that can rewrite history when human lives are at stake.
For my part, I can't think less of you for facing it head on like that, regardless of the outcome. You couldn't see the whole picture, had no idea what this powerful wizard was planning, and still you fought. That takes courage, Sirius, and selflessness.
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It doesn't matter...I doubted a friend not because of anything he did or said but be cause of what he was. For those months...I had become the Black I was supposed to be...I just didn't see it.
[Again, his hand went through his hair, a nervous habit he'd picked up from James that he couldn't help. It provided a momentary distraction.]
There's more...I wish I could say there wasn't...but there is.
When I saw the bodies...I knew what Peter had done. I made sure Harry was safe, and then I started a hunt. I didn't tell anyone what I was doing or why I was doing it, I was so blinded by my rage and pain...I finally found him. He was in the middle of a busy street when I cornered him and, of course, he tried to plead with me and gain sympathy through our friendship, but I was going to kill him and nothing he said would change that.
But the bastard- He blew the street up, killed 13 people, transformed into the rat he was, and made it look like he'd died in the explosion as well. When the dust cleared I was the one they found.
I was blamed for the deaths of James, Lily, and Peter...and they sent me to Azkaban for it; that's our jail for the scum in our community. That's why I looked as bad as I did when I arrived...it's not like it's a well-kept place...I'd been there for six months when this place pulled me back. I should have told you sooner...I'm sorry. I just...didn't want you to know that your boyfriend's a jailbird and murderer. That wasn't fair of me.
[He was silent a moment and then he looked up to the ceiling and the crack in his voice made it clear he was trying not to cry.]
You know...I saw him once...Remus. After the whole thing and before they sent me away...he believes I did it. I guess....that's only fair...
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Please, don't do this again - don't think of yourself that way. [It made sense in retrospect how Sirius had acted, but that didn't make Shin feel any better. Sirius was still in pain.] It's disgusting what Peter caused to happen - truly disgusting - but when evil people set their minds to such deeds... What would be truly horrible is if you were proud of those acts, if you had no remorse.
Anta, I'm... [He clenched his fists.] I'm no better. Do you really think anyone who's been in battle has no blood on their soul?
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...what do you mean?
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I threw it all away.
And because of me... because I couldn't bear to fight another human with that armor... my closest friends nearly died.
[He gripped Sirius's shirt, as if hoping he wouldn't turn around in that moment, and quickly said what was on his mind before his voice broke completely.] You didn't make Peter do any of those things; you weren't responsible for his actions. On the other hand, I'm- I'm responsible for mine.
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You didn't know, yeah? Besides...there's nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt people, Shin.
[There's a small pause as he looks up, trying to keep his voice steady.]
If you're still willing to have me...then I'm sure as hell still willing to have you.
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I'm not proud of my choices and neither are you, so they shouldn't define us. I don't want that. War is just... a horrible thing. [He sighed, almost grumbling.] I still wish I didn't have this armor, but at this point - [His voice got softer.] I wouldn't want anyone else to have to bear it.
... And at least this is a pain we both know.
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...thank you. [For everything.]
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[He smiled.] Just because I was a virgin doesn't mean I was - or still am - naïve, Syr.