If he had downright rejected his heart, it would have been less painful. If he had stabbed that dagger right through his heart, Shizuo would welcomed it, and it would have been less painful. But this - Izaya was breaking, and somehow it was his fault. He had screwed up by trying and failing to take Izaya's heart by force, had screwed up by forcing him into a promise, and now - now he had broken him. In the back of his mind - which just couldn't catch up, couldn't process - Shizuo wondered if Izaya's heart was even whole, anymore. The way he laughed - sobbed, grabbed his leg - it sounded broken. He broke it. It hadn't even been his and he had broken it.
He hoped - wished as hard as he could - that Izaya would just stab him, because surely death would hurt less than this - but no. Izaya didn't even tear his clothes. He tossed the dagger away. Shizuo felt rejected and responsible for the pain and a ton of things he couldn't understand.
He took Izaya by the shoulders, holding him back away from his legs, and joined him on the ground, kneeling as well. He hated that expression, the way that Izaya's eyes looked - what he had done. Shizuo pulled Izaya to him in a hug and began to mumble over and over again, "I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm sorry." He held him tightly, but carefully, and Shizuo felt like his own heart was in pieces now, too, his breath coming in short, shallow gasps.
"I'm - I'm going to make it better. I promise. I'll show you, I'll prove it, I'll make it better - just. Please. Please stop. I'm - I can't. I'm sorry." Shizuo clenched his teeth, cutting off sound, short breaths escaping through them. He was shaking and God - his forehead felt hot and he felt like he'd never be able to let Izaya go - not like this, not after what he had done.
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If he had downright rejected his heart, it would have been less painful. If he had stabbed that dagger right through his heart, Shizuo would welcomed it, and it would have been less painful. But this - Izaya was breaking, and somehow it was his fault. He had screwed up by trying and failing to take Izaya's heart by force, had screwed up by forcing him into a promise, and now - now he had broken him. In the back of his mind - which just couldn't catch up, couldn't process - Shizuo wondered if Izaya's heart was even whole, anymore. The way he laughed - sobbed, grabbed his leg - it sounded broken. He broke it. It hadn't even been his and he had broken it.
He hoped - wished as hard as he could - that Izaya would just stab him, because surely death would hurt less than this - but no. Izaya didn't even tear his clothes. He tossed the dagger away. Shizuo felt rejected and responsible for the pain and a ton of things he couldn't understand.
He took Izaya by the shoulders, holding him back away from his legs, and joined him on the ground, kneeling as well. He hated that expression, the way that Izaya's eyes looked - what he had done. Shizuo pulled Izaya to him in a hug and began to mumble over and over again, "I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm sorry." He held him tightly, but carefully, and Shizuo felt like his own heart was in pieces now, too, his breath coming in short, shallow gasps.
"I'm - I'm going to make it better. I promise. I'll show you, I'll prove it, I'll make it better - just. Please. Please stop. I'm - I can't. I'm sorry." Shizuo clenched his teeth, cutting off sound, short breaths escaping through them. He was shaking and God - his forehead felt hot and he felt like he'd never be able to let Izaya go - not like this, not after what he had done.