vatheon | Once upon a time I didn't give a damn

Who: Johnny and Sola
When: Saturday
Where: In Johnny's apartment
Status: Closed

[Everything was irritating. Heartbeats were like drums and smells were stronger than usual and he knew what that meant but he wasn't admitting it. Instead, his annoyance just grew and grew to the point where every little thing was annoying him now.

The vampire was pacing and futzing with things in the apartment that didn't even needed to be futzed with; anything to keep from admitting he was hungry. Normally, it was annoying and disturbing at best, but with everything that had been going on, Johnny was even more against going to Otoha right now. It could wait. He'd gone longer...it wouldn't get dangerous for another week and a half, maybe two at worst.

The worst thing was that he knew he was being irritable, he'd even snapped at Minea which almost never happened, and had sent her and Sacra out for the day. He didn't want to do it again.

Maybe if he got a bloodpack....it could at least take the edge off.]

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[It's nearly afternoon when Sola finally returns to the apartment having made some deliveries for various folks around the bubble. He rubs his neck as he closes the door behind him, still sore from the curse the previous week. Those antlers had been heavy. He'd been using his soreness as an excuse not to talk to Johnny about their problems, actually. He knew it wasn't really a good reason, but when the vampire had put on a sympathetic face and given him a neck and shoulder rub, he just couldn't bring himself to be unhappy with his matesprit. If anything, when they had private moments like that, things seemed fine and he felt sort of stupid for being upset in the first place... at least until he thought of all the times Johnny had kissed someone else, or the face he makes when feeding another of the bubble's vampires...

No. Darkleer's right. He has to talk to him.

Hitching up his courage, Sola shuffles to the doorway of the kitchen, just catching Johnny putting a straw in one of his bloodpacks from the fridge.]

Hey, um... can we talk?

[Johnny was never annoyed by Sola, not even when he was having a bad day; he hoped today would be no different. Maybe talking to Sola would calm him, in the past it often had. Even after that terrible nightmares months back, the thing that had brought him the most peace had been talking to Sola.

He took a sip from the bloodpack and leaned against the counter with a shrug.]

Sure. Something wrong, Sola?

[Sola takes a deep breath, trying to figure out how to say what he needs to say. He's had all this time and still he's not sure how to explain what he's feeling. All the discomfort, the feelings of insecurity and anger and fear that he's not good enough.

Before he can really think it through, his mouth just blurts out words he had meant to arrange in a better order.]

I don't like it when you kiss other people!

[.....that took him by surprise.]

What?Where's this coming from?

[Johnny put the blood pack down, realizing this wasn't the conversation he'd been expecting.]

You mean on the lips or on the cheek too?

[Because he'd only ever kissed Sola, Serph, and Crowley on the lips...the list got longer beyond that.]

Edited 2012-10-27 21:19 (UTC)

On the lips! I mean, Crowley is one thing because he's your kismesis, but Serph isn't anything! You don't kiss you friends like that! And you go around making these faces at everyone and kissing people and even feeding all the other vampires and I don't like it!

[His voice rises to a distressed squeak as he rants, expression more and more angry yet more vulnerable too.]

Like when you feed Fai you make these faces. These... sex faces and I don't want you to make those faces! Not with other people, just 'cause I'm not ready for that kind of stuff yet it's not fair!

[He knows he should stop, he knows he should try and speak more calmly, try and sort through everything one by one, but it's built up at this point into a flood of insecurities and blame and there's no dam in the world that could keep it back now.]

[Johnny sighed and looked away. The 'never being irritated' thing was too good to be true in all cases, it seemed. He was plenty irritated right now and not just at Sola.

He knew his own behavior didn't always add up to perfect boyfriend materiel, and he did plenty of things he knew wouldn't be considered acceptable for a man in a relationship and he was frustrated at himself for it. It wasn't just Eve who gave in to temptation and all the shame he'd felt for Rayfell's flighty behavior was doubled on himself....but he'd never been in a relationship. Not like this and not for so long and he didn't know how to handle himself. He loved Sola and he wanted what was best for him....but more often than not 'what was best' wasn't Johnny and it hurt.]

I know, I shouldn't kiss other people or flirt with them or any of that....I'm sorry. I've been trying but I haven't been doing a very good job; I'll try harder.

[But that wasn't the only thing Sola had a problem with, was it...?]

But...the feeding thing...You're not asking me to stop, are you?

[Because he wouldn't. It was something useful he could do. He could help Fai and keep him happy and that was important to him.]

Yes I'm telling you to stop! Why can't they just find a friend to feed off like you do?! Otoha's happy to do it, right? Or I would even do it! It's just a bite, anyway, so who cares?! I just don't want you making sex faces at anyone! It makes me feel like I-

[He hiccups, having gotten so worked up that he's out of breath and his fists are curled so tight his hands hurt and his voice is cracking and this isn't how it was supposed to go! He's supposed to be calm, and Johnny is supposed to understand and everything would be okay. He's doing it all wrong, Johnny is doing it all wrong and it just makes Sola feel so useless with the way the vampire is looking at him. Useless, and unwanted, and angry.]

Why am I not enough for you!?

[Sola's words were like a slap and he didn't bother hiding the pain that shot across his face. He should be calm, he should be patient, but he wasn't. He didn't want to argue, he wanted to run away from all of this.]

Don't-! Don't ever say that.

When have I ever said that? I told you I loved you and you said that was enough for you, why wouldn't it be the same for me?

I can't stop the drinking thing, it isn't nothing, it's a much bigger deal than that. You should never let someone do that to you, you and Otoha are mortal don't you get that? You could die if someone were to drink from you, it's not the same for me! Besides, drinking from me gives them more energy, that's what matters!

I'm not going to stop. You can ask anything else of me, but this will not change.

Why?! So it's better, but it's not like they only have to drink from you or they'll die! You're just fine on Human blood and you don't kill Otoha if you do! You're just making excuses so you can keep doing it! Why won't you ever listen?! Why do you keep doing things that hurt?!

[Goddesses does it hurt...]

I don't want to feel like this! You know all this stuff a-and everyone else knows more than me or is ready for more things just because they've been alive for longer and all I get is a pat on the head or a kiss on the cheek when everyone else gets your fucking tongue down their throat! You say things like I'm the most important but you never mean it because you'll say that and then I find you kissing someone or feeding someone and it just makes you sound like a liar!

[His fists are curled so tight that even his thick gloves can't stop the small bruises from forming on his palms from the pressure.]

Words are only enough if you actually mean it!

[He can feel the tears threatening to spill over his cheeks, anger building more just at the thought that he might cry in front of Johnny. It doesn't matter that he's done it before, it maters that if he does it now he's the same child that Johnny obviously sees him as. Not a matesprit, not an equal, just a child.]

You didn't even go after me when I caught you with Serph. You don't even care! So don't lie to me and tell me you love me when you never act like it!

[He knows he should call it off then and there, he should listen to what Darkleer said but he can't get the words out. He can yell, he can scream, but he can't say it's over. In his rage and anguish there's still a small part of him that believes Johnny will relent, gather him up, and apologize.]

I'm not just some kid or something! I can tell when I'm being toyed with; you don't listen so I don't know why I'm even bothering!

[He can't stop the tears as they spill over so instead he flees, whirling away and retreating back through the door he'd only entered a moment ago. (Was it a moment? It seemed like a lifetime...)]

Don't follow me!

[If Johnny responds, it's lost under the slam of the door and the crack of Sola's heart.]

Once upon a time I didn't give a damn

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