vatheon | Not all things are seen eye-to-eye

Entry tags:

Not all things are seen eye-to-eye

Who: Johnny and Ky
Where: A secluded part of the park
When: Afternoon
Style: Action
Status: Closed

[Johnny was sitting in the same clearing he'd found when he'd gone out to practice his swordplay only, instead of a sword, he held a pen. A pen and a notebook. He seemed to be completely engrossed in whatever he was working on and would, often scratch things out, rewrite them, and pause as if the words he was working on were of the utmost importance.

And to him, they were.

Charley was gone, Rayfell was gone...he'd already left once...what if his time was coming? He needed to get these things written while he still had time. If it came to be that they were unneeded, then it wouldn't be that big of a deal...but at least they'd be written.

He sighed and turned the page to a clean one.]

Three down, four to go...

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[Ky paused a respectful distance away, at first. Johnny looked like he was concentrating rather seriously on his writing, and Ky didn't wish to distract him if it was important.

But perhaps he'd like the company, Ky knew well enough the theory of going somewhere more public than usual for musing in the hope that an interruption might occur.

Not that this was particularly public. Ah, nothing to be done for it now, and Ky didn't wish to stand here for long watching Johnny and intruding.

He cleared his throat softly.]

Care for some company? It's fine if the answer is no.

[Johnny glanced up from what he was working on when he heard Ky's approach and smiled.]

Please. [He gestured to a spot in the grass next to him.]

Company is always welcome. Besides, I think I've hit a mental block on this one.

[Ky settled himself on the ground, matching Johnny's smile with a subdued one of his own.]

So long as I'm not intruding.

What are you working on?

[Ky wasn't entirely sure if it was alright to ask about, but it did seem as though Johnny was open about it. Sometimes talking things through helped.]

[The vampire shrugged and glanced at what he'd wrote before handing the notebook over to Ky.

One this page there would only be two lines of words:

'Will you not be merciful and grant me a gentle touch in the darkness?

Even barbs may be made of clouds, when wrapped in dreams.']

It's just a little love letter...or will be, when I'm done. It's difficult to write something pretty to someone who hates you~

[Ky studied the words, trying to make meaning of them.

His face grew enlightened when Johnny explained it as the makings of a love letter, and then confused again as Johnny continued.]

Why would you want to write something like that to someone who hates you anyway?

If you love them... I'm sorry. That seems like it must hurt.

[Johnny waves his hand like it's nothing.]

I write it because it'll piss him off.

I want him to hate me, it's easier that way~

...I can see why it would piss him off.

[It's like when Zelos teases him, only worse.]

Why would that be easier?

Because~ Love is complicated, so as long as he hates me this won't go anywhere~~

[Because he didn't know what he would do if it actually went somewhere.]

[Confused, and a little defensive right now.]

You're not in love with him.

I-

[That catches him off guard and he pauses, thinking. He'd never admitted to it before, it was easier to deny.]

No...I am. I'm in love with him.

[And he hates Crowley for it.]

You...

Surely what you feel isn't love.

[Ky focuses his earnest attention on Johnny, shaking his head lightly.]

That would be...wrong.

[The vampire's confusion only grew stronger and he tilted his head to the side.]

Wrong? What do you mean? Do you think a vampire's incapable of loving?

No, of course not.

[Slayer's devotion to Sharon was certainly obvious.]

But you're both male.

[Oh. Oh.]

So what? Just cause I don't have tits means I have to monitor who I fall in love with?

Tell me the last time you chose who you fell in love with?

Is this some sort of religious thing? Is that why you're going homophobic on me?

[Ky stares for a moment, trying to figure out where to start in addressing that, before he attempts, calmly to answer.]

You're talking about lust, not love. Particularly given that you said you hate him.

[Ky crosses his arms.]

It's a moral thing.

[So yes, yes it is a religious thing.]

So you are homophobic. And yet you've spent the last three months being my friend you're smart and even people who've known me for thirty seconds can tell my 'leanings,' so don't pretend you didn't know.

[He pulls his knees to his chest, not quite looking at Ky. Out of all the things he'd expected to face in the bubble, this wasn't one of them.]

Why is it such a big deal to you anyway?

Edited 2012-06-29 22:58 (UTC)

[Ky tries not to respond in the rush of things, tries to settle his automatic prickliness at least a little bit. It doesn't really work; when he does speak his voice is snappish and taken aback.]

I didn't know! You've never mentioned anything of the sort.

A-and it's a deal because I care about you, and it's wrong.

[Why won't Johnny look at him? Is it because he feels guilty? Ashamed? ~~Well good!~~]

[He doesn't want to be angry. He doesn't want to snap...but this feels like left field to him. He'd faced homophobia before...but he'd never cared about the other person's opinion before.

When he speaks his tone's gone cold.]

I didn't realize it was an issue that needed to be addressed.

What are you scared of, Ky? Is it me? Do I frighten you now? Or are you scared for my 'immortal soul' cause I got news for you, it's kinda screwed no matter who I fuck.

You don't frighten me.

[Why would that even be a thing? Although Ky flinches a little at the blunt language Johnny is using. He's only trying to help, why is Johnny acting like this is an attack?]

And we've talked about that. Just because you feel like there is no hope... There always is. There's no reason to let go of all moral standards!

[Ky on the other hand is impassioned, words tumbling out of him almost as quickly as he can think of them, and without him thinking them over.]

Tch.

[ Johnny stands and takes a few steps away, feeling far to restless to remain sitting.]

I have morals, Ky. If I didn't you'd probably be dinner by now.

[One hand runs down his face in an attempt to keep his tone in check and keep his thoughts coherent.]

Ky. You have someone you love, yes? Dizzy's her name, right? What does it feel like when you think of her?

[Ky stays where he is, although he's braced for a fight if he has to.]

Then maybe you should reexamine your morals.

[But what on earth does Dizzy have to do with this? She's a friend, and a dear one, but she's not...they're not like... That would be as wrong, in its own way, as Johnny lusting after a man is.]

Dizzy's a friend. And very innocent. This doesn't have anything to do with her.

[Is Johnny threatening to do what Zelos did, to try to hurt Ky through Dizzy? That's surely not acceptable, but Ky expected better of Johnny, still hopes that's not what he means.]

[Ky's words made him pause. He didn't know which one pissed him off more, the thought Ky would rather Johnny drink someone dry than have feelings for a man or the fact that he didn't even know what he was talking about!

He rounded on the human, done with trying to keep his emotions in check.]

Just a friend, huh? Have you ever loved someone Ky? Do you even understand what you're talking about?

This isn't a matter of going into a store and choosing which outfit looks best on you. It's getting mugged in the street with feelings you weren't expecting. If you haven't experienced that, then you've no right to judge me.

[Ky thinks he knows what he's talking about just fine. It isn't appropriate to love Dizzy, so he...won't. And yes, it's a constant struggle against his own emotions, but that doesn't change the fact that it's still the right thing to do. If he keeps going, if he doesn't pause to think about it...it works, most of the time. And he can but ask forgiveness for the times it doesn't, for the times it hasn't. It's not the same as what Johnny is describing, and Ky has no intention of letting it get to that point.

It wouldn't be fair for him to...fall in love with anyone, because he can't carry through on the promises that that would require him to make. He's a soldier first, and a police officer second, and beyond that... He does his duty, or at least he tries. What Johnny's talking about isn't something he longs for, it's something he'll never understand, most likely. Hopefully.

He's not asking anything from Johnny that he hasn't already figured on giving up himself.

(Apart from the whole vampiric tendencies, but Ky doesn't count that as an issue because he trusts Johnny to have control over it, trusts his moral judgement as far as that goes and has gone, knows at least in part how much Johnny will let himself hurt because of it and doesn't think that that will change.)

Ky's anger is his only real defense against the accusations Johnny is flinging, against the fact that there are times... But it doesn't matter. Ky has God's unflinching, unfailing love, and to be worthy of that is a continual quest.]

I don't want to have to judge you, I only want you to make the right decision!

[This wasn't going anywhere, he felt like he was spinning in circles with Ky and all the were achieving was getting each other dizzy.

If this conversation were being held with someone else, someone who didn't matter, he would have walked away by now. 'There are other fish in the sea' and all that...but this wasn't just some guy, this was Ky, his friend, and as much as he hated every second of this, he wasn't prepared to loose that friendship.

However, he also wasn't about to turn his back on one of the few aspects of himself he was okay with just to appease someone.

When he finally spoke, his tone was calm again, there was less ice in it.]

And what's the right decision, Ky? Do you want me to stop loving? I've been there and done that. I spent....a long time ignoring anything that was even close to love until it finally snuck up and smacked me in the face. Then I realized it's stupid to try not to love, it just happens.

So, no, I'm not going to stop loving anyone not now, not ever.

And don't give me that 'accept God's love into your heart' speech. God loves everything of His creation, and love is His creation too.

If you want to blame my 'affliction' on being created by a demon, fine. But don't hold those same beliefs over others.

His creations have gone in directions He might have preferred we didn't before.

Such is the result of our free will.

[Ky's stubborn, too stubborn to back down in the face of logic. Not right now.]

I just...

Don't you think you'd be happier with a woman?

[Even just speaking from a lust perspective, ignoring all that about love, aren't bodies made to fit together as a man with a woman, and not...any other way around? Before getting into the general personality attributes that women have and men lack...]

[Johnny just shakes his head. He doesn't want to argue this anymore. How can he possibly explain to Ky how he feels?]

I've been with women, Ky. I spent all of my human life lying and pretending I liked women like all other men because it was that or death. And even when I became a vampire, still, I pretended because it was all I knew.

It feels wrong. Gross. I prefer woman as friends, not lovers.

So, to answer your question: I would be miserable with a woman.

[Johnny, at least theoretically, would have the experience to be able to make such a statement. But on the other hand, how could he say such a thing? Yes, having feelings for men could be a trial or a task, but not having them for women...

It would be wrong to pretend to love someone he doesn't, Ky knows at least that much.

The anger and stubbornness is fleeing him now, but it's not really leaving anything behind and that feels more than a little alarming.]

A-are you certain?

You've really tried?

[The vampire sighed, sounding a little tired. He was a 'live as you go' kind of person as much as he could be and all of this felt like a rocky road down memory lane he hadn't been prepared for.]

Ky...I'm over five hundred years old...at this point, there isn't much I haven't tried.

And in an era where knights were expected to take ladies into their company, women was one of the first things I tried.

[He finally looks at Ky directly, arms at his sides. Open.]

Look...even if it's not right this second or even a few weeks from now...I encourage- no, I challenge you to get over this homophobia you have. If you don't, I'm afraid you'll end up hurting someone you don't intend to; someone important and that, in turn, will hurt you.

Edited 2012-07-01 01:00 (UTC)

[Ky's eyes strain to meet Johnny's, to judge if what he's thinking is what he's saying.

All he finds there is that openness, and it makes him pause.

Clearly, then, Johnny has...tried to love a woman, or multiple women, and it hasn't worked.

But why would that be the case? Ky doesn't believe that even as a vampire, Johnny is damned, and to ask him to love when he cannot, or expect him to refrain when he can... Ky doesn't know what's right with regards to that.

He offers Johnny a tentative nod, a little taken aback by this new revelation.]

I'll... Yes. I'll try.

[He hasn't intended to hurt anyone, and the way Johnny's phrasing it... He has to approach some part of this very differently, then.]

[Johnny nods. He knows that's all he can ask for.

For now...he doesn't know how this is supposed to go, where they stand...anything. So he chooses the coward's route because, right now, it's easiest and what's comfortable.

He takes up his notebook and pen, brushing close to Ky as he does, for once, not intentional.]

I guess this means no more sleepovers~

I'll see you around, Ky.

[There's a sad smile and the vampire dissolves into a swarm of bats. It was easier to run away. He'd come back when things weren't so tense.]

Edited 2012-07-02 13:58 (UTC)

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Not all things are seen eye-to-eye

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